i know its possible

i'm convinced we know nothing. and we seek others words and opinions to help us understand or know. but in the end- truth only comes from deep down. not from opinions. maybe love is truth. and thats why it feels so beautiful and hurts so, so bad. free minds. free love. free truth. how funny to live life respecting and trusting your instincts, while at the same time having another life inside who constantly fights them. its the journey, not the timing. cause in the end- thats what matters. the lessons, the growth, the love....

i want whats best for you all before myself. im learning to find a happy medium because im told im important too- but the secret about all that is i know i am. im grateful for me. i wanna effect. touch. love. experience. be. understand. trust. give. and so much more- and i feel like its all destined in my journey... but the not knowing what your journey is compels me to want everything for you first.

deep breaths? required. self love? required. perspective and strength? required. red wine? required? no no no just kidding. kind of. actually, not really. just kidding! kind of.

in the mean time? talk about the gratefulness. i only hope to inspire you. whoever you are. the economy is a mess. we know this. but there was a time i was a complete mess. and im doing okay. or perhaps i have always been a mess in SOME respect- and the goodness of another part always pulls through and shines brighter. and its very possible things may shine brighter soon. i think about it a lot. whoever you are- whatevers going on- may keep going. may stop in 8 minutes. may never be what you want it to be. but none of its bad. it all is as it is. is that so? keep asking that. is that so? i'm convinced we know nothing!!! and its all a journey. what can we do but keep the faith and have hope.

love begets love.
hope begets hope.
everything begets everything.
but among it all...
love begets love.
and i stand strongly behind that.
i love. always and forever.
and especially now.
and i put my love out there for you all.
and all i ask is you try and take it in and experience it.
or share it.
cause its very possible that its all a circle. or something like the idea of that...
let us feel. and learn. and LOVE. among all.
for in the end
i am convinced, i tell you...
that we know NOTHING,
and among it all,
i know...yes i KNOW.
i know its possible.

let go

really? almost an entire month has gone by? i dont understand. but it gives me hope that i can handle the next month. not handle- love and enjoy and LIVE in it. every second. but i know something that is going to be missed....in the next month. or two. or who knows. its the who knows that gets me. i want to know. and i dont want to know. and then i am reminded....by the wisest people i know of fluctuation. and maybe that is just a word we use as a place holder or an excuse. cause the truth is- what the eff do we actually know??? i am pretty convinced its not much. and that is so beautiful in its way. he said. she said. you said. they said. you think. they think. she thinks... all different. so what do we KNOW. not much. cause even at the source...they admit they dont know. so everything else is just a complete disaster. haha. and so are you. and we want an answer. we want to hear what we want to hear- and when we dont know what we want to hear or what we want we fish around for something that feels right. or fills something. or makes us feel something. i cant wait for a time when it all matches up. or maybe that never happens. maybe you have to just decide something feels right and no matter what go for it- believing whats meant to be just happens. which i do. and it does. no matter WHAT. having faith in that is the one of the most powerful things i have ever seen. or believed. or felt. but i believe in love. i believe in what i feel. i believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt and trusting their word- even when sometimes it makes you crazy. or something... it makes you feel something... sometimes your stomach churns...in the best way possible. sometimes you cry. sometimes you laugh- and believe in your power again. sometimes you fall hard. and all of these things happen almost at the same time. all because you dont know. whats to be. what is really going on... you stop believing for a minute that you dont get to call the shots all the time. and that throws you further down. and then you begin to feel and hear wisdom and love...and you find your power again. you dont loose any of the love in doing so...but instead of keeping yourself down- you learn to love in a new way. you love so much...you let go...to let love in.

"its only love that gets you through"

its a situation you feel like you have been in before but its just slightly different as situations usually are as you recognize them throughout the life. and you reflect, realizing you must have learned from it last time....but confused as to how to deal with it this time. do the little things make that much of a difference that you can't figure out how to deal? or do you care more this time than the last? the more i understand its other peoples feelings on the line, more than mine, and care that it is more than mine...the more careful i seem to be. i think we scare ourselves by caring more than we intended. or maybe we always wanted to care this much but tried to intend on not caring so much because we were scared of what that meant. and its not even that deep. its just the constant questioning. and realizing not everyone is on your side. whatever that means to you. but in the end...you know, deep in your gut... nothing blocks whats meant to be. whatever that outcome is. whatever goes along with it. there is no denying it. no matter what people tell you. or tells another. they can make you try and see its not meant to be. or that it absolutely is. in the end...and this is both scary and beautiful... it really does not matter. they dont have that power. no one does. whatever is meant to be just finds its way. and will be. however and whatever that means. so to give attention to the undeniable who believes they are the most powerful is a waste of time. "its only love that gets you through." and it only reminds me how true that is. why wish anything less than love for anyone. truly. sit with that thought. talk yourself in or out of it. but really. why not just love. and wish love. and spread love. and be love. knowing how powerful that is. and amazing. and real. and beautiful. what in the world do we really know anyway. except to love. i beg it of you. "its only love that gets you through." i really beg it of you.

soomie.

i feel like i want to graduate to a new blog. or something. its been a while since i've written steadily. i know its not for lack of material, emotion or experience. maybe it was summer vacation and i'm in a new grade. whatever it may be, its all begun again, i believe. i mean, why not? i haven't really a clue whats happening in life- ok i actually think i may know a lot more than i proclaim- so sue me. but looking back a few months and skipping ahead to now... its all new. its like how different you become, or don't, but experience from age 18 to 19 to 20 to 21 to 22....and maybe it just never stops. sometimes you are growing alone, sometimes by the side of friends, lovers, cast mates...always in the company of the universe. trusting it all the time, but bad mouthing it once in a while because of something else unrelated that made you mad. however, the trust carries with you- how can it not? i look around in amazement. the appearances of beautiful people- that i get to actually talk to. and hug. and cry to. and be there for. and LAUGH A LOT. its really the best thing. i am fascinated, giggly, searching, thankful and terrified on a daily basis. and i think as inconsistent as it is, i like it this way. so sue me. and i know shit happens. this isnt a secret. it may be a lesson. i cant promise it will go away. but i can promise we can always make it through. if you are having a hard time believing come find me. i will always be here for you to remind you and make you re-believe. keep trusting. trust me. what a powerful world we live in- full of so many beings searching for power or wondering if it exists or bad mouthing it- but what if we have power by simply being. maybe giving that much simplicity to something takes away the power to have something to worry about. i dont actually know if i know what i am saying anymore. SUE ME. i am pretty sure i have too many thoughts, feelings, emotions...all still in discovery mode. but i am kind of obsessed with it all. so sue me.

a little on love.

ah, love. she really is everywhere. i am so grateful to be able to give her. i can't understand the lovely places she shows her face. i have been shown a love in all my life that is unlike anything. it can never be taken away. it's when you don't expect her. thats the kicker. when she has become a part of you in a different way than you know. or knew. or thought. ohhhhh. wait. THAT'S her?! yup. THAT WAS HER?! yup. surprise! she snuck right in there. ha. and that's what all the pushing and pulling is for. that's why you are willing to do almost anything. but just because she has found her way into your spirit doesn't always mean it will play out like it has before. it doesn't mean she is in everyone's spirit the same way. she effects people in different ways. people understand her differently- at different times, places, people. i didn't even realize she was recently here until she found a way to make me turn right around and look at myself. into myself. and to see that love exposed me to another love that had been living there for a few months. mind you it was temporary. she just needed a sublet. which isn't to say she disappears...she just shows me a new understanding of herself. and its pretty amazing."don't let them rob you of your grace/ love is all over the place/ there's nothing wrong with your face/ love is all over the place/ there's nothing wrong with your face..." and you know, maybe part of being at peace is understanding this realization isn't a bad thing. love. it is as it is. we dress it up with emotions and descriptions and words. to help us cope. because we only want to understand. we only want to allow her in. we want to make it right. make her right. love just lives. that's all she does. love just IS. and thats beautiful because ~ we are lucky if, even for a moment, we feel her dance inside of us.

a little on now.

we keep moving through all the everythings. once we decide we arn't reversing: time, age, memories, what was... we learn to only fully move in the only direction available to us. and once we get enough forward momentum there isn't energy left to give to what was. could have been. should have been. living in all that lets you pass by all the now. like the long beach to jfk jetblue direct flight. you're in california and somehow five hours later you're across the country. but to think what you flew over in those 5 hours. how many peoples lives were going on just underneath you. many people were probably born. someone had a fight. someone made up. lives probably changed in some state. someone was probably moving. someone probably adopted a dog. granted you are not directly involved with all these events, or maybe you are, but things are always going on. in everyones lives. to live in yesterday, to live in last month, last year...allows you to not live in this day, this hour, this second.

comfortable

i've heard it over and over again. not to me, and so i didnt give this phrase the attention it deserves:

i'm not here to make you comfortable.

and you refers to you, and you and you and me. i dont need to prove a thing to anyone. just give goodness. i will inspire- and i dont need to wait around trying to figure out how. it will just happen. its not gonna come in an email. its not gonna come in what i thought i could be. or would be. its not gonna matter if you dont share the info with me. or keep me in the loop. it doesnt matter! oh my goodness. it doesnt! ha! how beautiful is that?! im not a fit for all the molds, all the people, all the roles, all the songs... but i am fit for what im fit for. whatever that means. whatever that is. and i am so grateful that i dont need to worry about all the cha cha that keeps dancing in front of me as it tries to prove i need it, or should be it, or should need it. or that its right. its just lost and looking to entertain someone. its bored. and wants to distract. i'll applaud it- but i wont let it live for me. i am strong. my heart has seen a lot and is constantly searching and feeling and loving and grieving. physically i am strong. when my mind stays out of the way, i can do almost anything. getting lost, getting caught up is all too funny to me now. and we all do it. but at the end of whatever- it all goes away. the sadness, the beauty, the he said she said, the voice, the roles we play- on and off stage, our bed, my wii, my protection necklace, my strong body.... it all strips itself away to reveal what was always there and what always will. we allow ourselves to be lost. maybe so we have something to try and find. or we are scared of what we might find so we decide its better to search our whole lives instead. i'm not here to make you comfortable. but i am here to inspire and to love...harder than i know.

maybe all the plans i think i have will be completely different. maybe no one is ever better than anyone else. maybe i rise above it to my own level of understanding and perspective. and smile at all the dancing cha cha from my cloud. or as i shyly peek around the corner. or as i cry with someone i love. or as i cry to myself because i dont know how to give all this love inside away fast enough and to everyone i can. what can i do??? i want to do it all.

i will inspire in my own ways- whatever they may be. in ways i know and in ones i dont. and even though some things or events seem to appear as the only way i can express and inspire, they are actually someone else's expression and inspiration covered in a gooey, glossy shine. they look better on the outside.. but maybe its just cause they arnt your inspiration to give away. the ones that really choose you do it very carefully. be happy and grateful for those. they are the real deal. their hearts are bigger than their character description. you can choose to drool over the shiny glossy ones that dont belong to you, or realize they are just teasing you. leave them alone. get back in your life, in your heart, in your inspiration and try to make your spirit understand the good stuff. your stuff. the real stuff. this stuff.

we got it good, dude.try taking a trip to a cloud. peek around a corner only to amuse yourself. cry. love. harder. i'm not here to make you comfortable. you don't have to either. but i will never stop loving. and i will never stop being and doing all the good i know how. cause thats the real stuff. my stuff. the good stuff. this stuff.

i mean, they're just stairs.

as i wandered out of apartment for a tall soy chai at the starbucks around the corner in my pajamas and uggers, i realized i live in a neighborhood. some of the places on my block i go to multiple times a week. i see a lot of the same people. its a cool thing. i just had never taken the time to stop and really feel that until now. i dont drive there and i go through two doors and up 5 flights of stairs to get there...but its my home. now. the hallways right outside my door are blue. baby blue. people lived here a long time ago. i wont live here forever. my roommate will change 3 times. i will walk to work in the park this summer. central park. wait. thats nuts. i can WALK there. and a million other places. events that have truly effected my life for all different reasons and ways have happened in this neighborhood. at bars. food places. certain walking paths to get places. to the train. in the train. at a popular stop. on my corner. in our apt. in anyones apt. in class. in taxis. in entryways. fire escape. whatever. a lot has happened. thats the reality of it all. we can decide to see things any way we want at any given time. but sometimes its not what is right in front of you. but when you look back and see things just as they are, you realize how much you missed while you were busy fluffing it all up. time is a changin. time is a goin. pretty fast if you ask me. so i might as well start practicing cutting the fluffing routine. isnt it just getting in the way? we are love. we have been given so much. we have WORKED for so much. we have LOVED for so much. i have compassion, i feel compassion. i want to give so much. i want to do so much, be so much. and then you miss the train- by a long shot, or just as they announce "stand clear of the closing doors please ding dong"- you sometimes just gotta decide to take a taxi. hahaha just kidding. just remember another train is coming. and you can decide to watch the express trains in misery as they fly by your stop- or you can rejoice in your own way that one WILL be coming. and you will get on. and be on your way. but in the waiting time- dont sit and wait. read a book. listen to your ipod. iphone. ishuff, ilisten, ilove, ithinkyouregreat, hahaha ianything. smile at someone. write something. buy a water or skittles if there is a stand at your stop (50th st. 1 station). why a train analogy you may ask?
i have no idea.
in the meantime, dont forget who you are. who you have been. how many changes you will have in life. remember to always be grateful for what you have. and think good thoughts for people. believe that you really help by doing so. treat people the way you want to be treated unless they're a jerk, remember how people saw you in high school. other schools. other chapters of your life. i get mixed tapes from a boy from high school. that i still talk to! and share things with. like. thats crazy. so is the fact that i've been out of high school for six years. YIKES. but how much has happened since then. wow. we've been so many places. and will be so many places. but for now. im in my hood. with my soy chai. and this is the real thing. im alive. 5 flights up.