not sure

"i do it for the joy it brings....cause i am a joyful girl. cause the world owes me nothing, and we owe eachother the world"


i didnt know what to call this post, but when i decided on "not sure" (cause i wasnt really sure what this blog was going to be) i remembered i have a sara bareilles song in my itunes called "not sure" cause i dont know the title of the song, but its one of my faves. is what weird?

cool. anyways~ i dont know what has been in the air lately, but the world has so kindly been on my side. i cannot put out more thankfulness then i am right now. my hopes and wishes, thoughts and questions have been spotted and have been dancing uncontrollably. i know i havent done much to deserve it all, so all i can do is be thankful and blissful about it all. i am a proud being right now... i love giving all you got and getting a loving, wonderful response to it. i was given so much overwhelming love and respect tonight, unexpectedly, and i want to take that amazing energy and throw it back into the world for everyone else to experience soon. i was told i was "inspiring" tonight by someone i very much respect. its a lot to take in.

(from dictionary.com)
inspiring:
to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence; to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence; to give inspiration.

ummm....alright. i cant see myself actually producing those qualities... but its a fun thing to live with for a while. i hope its a recurring theme because i want to do all that stuff. duh.

but outside of the opening that happened tonight of what i do to be stable in monetary form (but i'd actually do it for free shhhhh dont tell heehee) which was amazing.... life is inspiring ME...so maybe i am just influenced. the past chunk of days keep bringing forth questions and feelings that...well im not exactly sure what to do with. both have been dipped in joy and im not quite sure how to respond to it... i think i know how i want to respond to parts of the past days, but at the same time im trapped into thinking i cant. so whos side do you take? i guess i am in between sides....because i dont know how to deal with whats happening. not everyone knows how i feel....which is how it should be~ but it makes things funny. (i have come to the conclusion that funny is my default emotion when i dont really know what the appropriate emotion actually is for the situation, or if one even exists). so it makes things "funny".... and maybe the whole point is that there is NOT a solution or answer to the situation at hand, even though you want one to exist. you cant force anything...if you try, you will learn faster than you thought possible that you have no control and what will be is more powerful than you. sorry to burst the bubble. but its not so bad if you really think about it. i guess it just means you dont really have to worry...somehow something somewhere is doing that for you already. sweet. so i guess as it happens....life is beautiful. tonight was beautiful and refreshing and more than i could have tried to hope for....so thank you universe for staying by my side the whole night. and as for the other situation...........let it be what it will be. and be ok with that. i know what i want...but i dont know what it will be. but i do know that what it WILL be... will be just fine.

" i do it just because i want to...... i want to"

twentytwo and a new year

wow. back to the blogger.

3 months have gone by and it is january 22 and the world is wonderful.

a lot has happened since the twenty second three months ago, and i have learned a lot about what i was writing about months ago. and now i cant help but trust that the world knows what its doing and to enjoy the ride and try not to worry about things, especially those things you cannot control. you are more free, more strong, and your soul is lighter... its an amazing thing. i cant say i have been practicing this for the entire month....but everything kind of came together after the events of the past few days. nothing makes me happier than experiencing life with the people i love. i continue to learn more about the world and myself when i am shown them through the eyes of my friends. my friends are beautiful, inspiring, intriguing and...well... pretty much out of control. this day gives me good feelings about the world and what is here, and what can become. and although the future is exciting... it doesn't belong to us yet. that kind of is awesome though. i used to think it would be weird growing up... and i have begun to love it. the journey is like nothing else. and its yours. only yours. thats kinda ricidulously special and amazing right? go where you want....be who you are....do what makes you happy...be with who you love. this is all we have. i want to hug you now.

that was the guy who booed in the living room. we slept before right. palm tree. no meter. nems. blue shirts. red lights. 22. amazing.

"take your best shot. here i stand heart in hand.
and fearless i’m not, but i am what I am.
i know what i’m not, and I know enough to know it’s never
gonna be much more than weather, you can’t drive me away
when it’s only rain."