feb. 07
"im gonna quit my job and move to new york. cause somebody told me thats where dreamers should go. im gonna quit my job and move to new york and tattoo my body with every broadway show"
i definitly saw the person who wrote that walk out of the theatre i was in on my 4th and last night in nyc.....
what is~ is. what will be~ will be. what was~ was.
so theres no reason to worry, or overthink or be lost or overwhelmed. but that mentality is also a journey. it doesnt just happen, at least for me it doesnt. its something i have worked and worked on. but i am proud to know in my heart it has gotten easier for me- probably because of experience, and definitly because of the amazing people that surround themselves around me day to day. and even those who cant surround themselves, find some way to do something equally as beautiful. but ya know, i talk a lot of the world, the universe, and what its all about. i learn more about it the more i experience what it can do and therefore it can always surprise me- and it does. the only thing i am sure of is this moment.
god~ there is so much i want to grasp in this beautiful world. and things that fall on such different levels. and i never know if i will grasp it all in the little time i have here... but moment to moment.....second to SECOND.... things are changing. and i am always changing too~ and STILL i dont think i can keep up. but im giving it my best shot. and im liking the challenge it gives me everyday. but sometimes its a lot-~ and i want to challenge it back. but the funny part is i cant. some things just ARE. well everything just is. but no matter how hard i challenge the world on some things~ it reminds me that i have no control. and i think it laughs at me a little, and thats ok. it knows better than i do. but sometimes i dont want to believe it. but the defenses have gone down in the past year or so.... maybe it is because i get it now.... i get that im not in charge, and that i dont know who is, but whoever it is, knows exactly what they are doing. and that everything will eventually just be ok.
and i call myself lucky. and i know this to be true. i am so passionate about things that i feel are right. and even when one of those things dont work out, or are just....funny (default emotion) it doesnt bring the other things down with it. i feel like there is something that resides inside of me or in my heart....or that someone that is running this show... knows. they put up a blocker that doesnt allow anything to effect other situations at hand that i am passionate about. i am still able to live fully and fight harder than ever for the other things i want in life...or for a place i want to be in in my life. and with all that seems to be actually happening right now, i am overwhelmed by life and what it~ is. and what it could be. or i guess what it WILL be, because whatever it will be~ will be. (oh my reccurring theme) but when you are in a position where you must make choices about the future, its....scary and.... funny (default 2). something will....be in 3 or 4 months....and i dont know what that is. but i am forced to make decisions in the NOW based upon what it COULD be.... which is just....AHHHHHH............ funny. (funny for real this time, no default emotion here)
so what was~ was. but that carried over into the now, and i am kinda being pulled in different directions about it. people come from different points of view right? and people see the world differently right? and to be an outsider looking in on another situation has a dis advantage right? but so does being IN a situation that doesnt really have a conclusion, or an answer~~ not that i believe everything SHOULD have an answer because i absolutely dont.... but when you are still trying to figure out a situation (oh jeez.... not that everything should be "figured out") but.... when you are living inside of a situation, listening to it, questioning it, feeding it, breathing it, understanding it... its hard to get outside opinions....ESPECIALLY when they are out of absolute PURE love. because you want to believe you know whats best, but when you are just the littlest in love with a situation, its sometimes hard to see what could be a reality, or what already is a reality, but you cant be made aware of it yet~ wow. and i hope i am right about what i see and my awareness of it.... but there is always a good chance i am wrong. but no one likes to see other people get hurt. i absolutely hate it....and hate is an extremely strong word... and so that statement reads loud to me.
im trying to give my head over to my heart~ but its stubborn sometimes. it wants to believe what it believes. and maybe that is the same as me and the universe....it just is what it is....and i want it to be what i want it to be~ which isnt what it IS. and i kinda have to laugh at how casual the word "is"... is... but how much power it actually posseses. and id like to believe no matter how casual and small i am in this amazing, enormaus and ever-changing universe.... i am powerful too. i am full of love thanks to my friends and family, and at times....strangers....who teach me this love and a love stronger that that... and i always want to use ANY power i feel i have for nothing but goodness, and give that goodness back to the universe... and i cant help but be confused by the people who have a lot of power and choose to not give it back as love and goodness.... but i guess we are who we are... i dont know. funny. (default 3)
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