monopoly.

sometimes you have to fool yourself. you gotta tell yourself everything is ok when its not. and if you keep reminding yourself everyday- by the time it figures out the joke you are playing, things have made a turn for the better. funny how that works. they haven't turned yet, i'm still in the game... sometimes im sure i'm ahead and then i dont pass go. dont collect $200. damn it. but its really just breathing deep and trusting. my heart knows the game but plays anyway for amusement. maybe it does it out of kindness for me. for my spirit. maybe they are best friends. looking out for each other. thats what friends do anyway, right? its like those little white lies that are for good purpose. "hey dude, you're looking better" to a sick friend. "briley just wanted me to tell you how proud you make him" a text message from a father to a daughter who feels like she failed. briley is her dog. sometimes you gotta have a friday night with yourself. what am i doing? what am i loving? who am i loving? who is this person i am creating? whats worth while. whats not. and why do we hold on to the not. even when the not doesn't give you the time of day. we find nots all over the place. in events, in people, in winning and loosing. some of them are tricky. they dont let you go. so how do you let it go? do you go all old fashioned and just tie a string around your finger to remind you to do so? why are there so many questions? why are there even more answers...like the ratio of questions to answers is pretty stupid. there can be a million different answers for each question. so why is it so easy to ask a question but so hard to find answers. shouldn't they just be like falling from the sky at this point? hello? answers? no? none for you? enjoy. like, its crazy. maybe a lot of our questions are answers restated. or maybe we know answers deep down but we keep asking questions to recover them. "if you dont ask the right questions, every answer seems wrong." thats how ani difranco feels about the situation. maybe we are just always changing. evolving. growing. sprouting. i think i say that a lot in blogs, just in different ways. well i just repeat myself all the time in different ways. especially in the blogsters. sorry bout it. how can you want so much, want to do so much, know you can do so much and feel so unorganized about everything. and then you always ask what took you so long? what takes anyone so long? especially when there is so much importance in the world. so much to give. to do. to be. to love. to sing. so why does it take so long? and why does it all seem to happen so fast. one day you're on top of the world. and the next day the part goes to someone else. how much do we actually control? when we are working so hard all we want is time off. when we have time off all we want is something to do. we are crazy. and complex. and deep. and full of energy. and love. and thoughts. and emotions. why do we fight? why do we build walls? why do some things effect us so much deeper that the rest. i want to know so much. but i dont want to do research. im stubborn. and im tough. even though i look like a sweet 16 year old. i dont like pink. i do like flowers. a lot. and pictures. and music. woah music. i just wish to experience it all before i die. all of it. in my own way. i'll get unstuck. i'll become re-confident. but i will always gain the most from humbling moments. i hope we all will. and i'll find my way again, sometime and somehow. but until then, i'll smile cause it uses less muscles then it does to frown. and i'll keep playing the fool myself game. and i'll win. WITHOUT a get out of jail free card. suckers.