little jim cricket

sometimes something just feels right. something in us just lets us know. they dont give specifics, which is kind of fun. but they are also so smart. but the truth is, they don't know too much more than we do. i believe my instincts to be geniuses because they let me know. but they really just give me the first burst of knowing....cause thats all they can do. help us sense something is right, or wrong, or feels a certain way, or hint us towards an idea. but after that- through our feelings, decisions and the universe, it plays out and unfolds. and later we get to look back and be like ohhhh thats why this felt right. i mean, whether we follow our instincts or not...almost ALWAYS dont we look back and either in our head, or heart or out loud, we scream I KNEW IT!!! the tricky part is sometimes something feels so right, or simple, or too good to be true. so we go against it only to once again repeat ourselves....i knew it. when it seems too good or right, its so much safer to make up reasons why you are seeing it in a strewed light, why you are wrong, why it couldnt be, or shouldnt be. and even harder than that, its impossible not to close your eyes and imagine the future of the situation. its impossible for you to know how it will all play out- but by making up false ideas of how it will or will not go, it helps you decide what the right decision is now. and the whole thing is RIDICULOUS. but we love ourselves deep down. we have experienced. we have known and not known. and we secretly want to protect ourselves. how to let go of the defenses? the stories we write in our head that dont exist? i mean...im not saying we should stop looking both ways before we cross the street. silly. but maybe live for what we have- for this day- for this millisecond- cause the next one doesnt belong to us. and throughout our ENTIRE life....it never will. ever. but its all such a scary thing to trust. secretly, we've only worried about tomorrow since we can remember. so how do you make the change? im asking. seriously. haha. no seriously. wait. we are real serious. haha. no. i dont know. i get moments of not worrying. and maybe that will progress into hours of not worrying. and on and up from there. i replay my past in my head so often as to remember how things all fell into place. and kind of built the path i have been walking on to...who knows where. i worried about everything that turned out ok. i didnt realize most of how or why or when or who until it happened. or until it was gone. or until i was drinking a soy chai on the way to the subway and had a revelation. or when i was reading but really just looking at words on a page as i was recalling other things in my head and understood some event. from years ago. or from that morning. or whatever. its all up and its all down...but it goes down so it can go back up. i dont know a lot of things. but i recognize how fortunate i am, and how thankful and grateful i am. and that i think, question, love, do, be, laugh. a lot. cry, scream, write long blogs about the same thing, eat lots of cereal, wonder, dream and i recognize i cant control, but i can breathe deeply, love deeply, dream deeply and not worry about a thing. maybe one. wait. no. not the point. not worry. about. a. thing.