please.

please.
there was a time i was on top of the world. in a green volkswagen bug. with a sun roof. and i drove through the trees on my way... listening to a mix cd by a dear friend. in the ten months, i am pretty sure it was one of the only cds to play in my car. and we went to watch the show that gave you free sangria and cornbread. and deliciousness. and you knew you were watching history- no matter how funny it was. and i went home to feed the pup. and write while i listened to music on my balcony. and it usually involved wine. so sue me. and i was on my own. for the first time- far, far away. on my own. but my buddy was there. in all his joyfulness. making trouble everywhere he went. and we would take field trips to friends places. and he would wear his hooded sweatshirt. from his secret santa. and eat ice cream. and be merry. cause there we were. living for it. for the time we were given. of course we complained. but only to know we would wake up re-grateful and giggly on our way to work the next morning. still drunk. i mean. completely sober. duh. and i would get dressed up that night...and be sad to leave him. and i would go to have jamaican jerk chicken close by. or drive to the wine bar with the girls far away. and no matter how far away i was, i was always connected. i felt i knew what was happening. from home. from my heart. from the universe. and your name pops up with a new text message. and i dont want to answer it. im so scared of being disappointed. im scared of letting myself down. it could be anything. you are amazing. you know how i feel. you know i want...to give you anything i can. anything you need. anything you want. but at the same time, you are gone. to florida...to the bahamas...to california. to wherever you find comfort. and thats ok. i get it. but let me in. let me know whats going on. not rude. but. rude.
in other news. here we are. i mean....good morning. sleep tight. just woke up from my nap. wanna get lunch? coffee? should we get a drink? hey, i am going to my friends cabaret. of course you can stay with me. hey! i am coming home for a week! when does your show open? its 50 degrees today!! gotta pee. did you see what the hilary campaign is accusing obama of this week? can i get starbucks on the way to the train real quick? have you heard sufjan stevens? i just got out of class. i cant, i have to memorize sides for an audition tomorrow. i want soy nuggets. and veggie tacos. and the world. we are all alive. doing. thinking. dreaming. LOVING. wondering. confusering. doubting. we are usually wrong. in the best way possible. and sometimes we find ourselves right....down the line. we make mistakes. and follow our hearts. and we REGRET. we get scared and run away. only to regret. usually. try breaking the pattern. why not. we are only here. here we are. why is ANYONE apologizing? close your eyes. and think about things you are unsure of. or apologizing for. if you breathe and are real with yourself- you will discover there is NO REASON for this. we do it to ourselves. love. be happy. jump the hurdle. "no person can make you feel a certain way, only you can decide how to react to your environment. so.....why not be happy." fuck it all, dude. i mean, SERIOUSLY. go deeper. realize and re-live. how do you fight for what you believe in? its hard when what you feel in your heart is right. you know its right....but if theres the a big change... then it all backfires- and its all based from fear. fuck it all. to you all in this life:

wish i could.
wish you could.
i mean. comon.
just try.
here we are. here it is. live it. love it. be it.
at least take the risk to try.
please.