its 3:33 and we are up. not sure why. but why not, i guess? i have a few things on my mind.
a. time: time creeps up on me every second. i loose her and when i finally find her again she has run so fast i feel like i am in a new life. a new chapter of life. a new section or scene. and i get confused and question how i got here. how did it happen. and there sometimes is an answer or explanation. but mostly its just me pausing for a few moments and recalling how the past whatever has slipped by. and in some odd, frustrating, okay way...i completely see how i got here. i just want an explanation. or i want to relive it because i dont remember actually living it. but it was what it was. and it was. and here i am. learn from forgetting and pay more attention. starting now. thats all i can do.
b. love. hahahahahahahahaha. thats what i have to say about that. it plays games with me and teases me and confuses me and fascinates me and lures me to figure out more. and every time i think i learned something new about her, she taps me on the shoulder and says "im over here!" and i turn around to nothing. only to hear her voice in the distance singing to me, "come find me, i am HERE!" she is like the fucking cat from alice in wonderland....she smiles, she frowns, she disappears, she re-appears in a different outfit. and everytime she is a challenge and a mystery. i dont know what to make of her. i want to figure her out and never feel like i can. i did once. and i hope i do again. make yourself known. i cant ask you to. you must show me. i dont know what else to say.
c. music~ there is nothing quite like this one. i am inspired and moved and changed every minute. the music...the words... the stories. they all sing to me and tell me to be a better person. they tell me stories of hope and courage and love and strength. they challenge me to be different in all good ways. what has been created blows me completely away. i am speechless. people are RIDICULOUS. i dont understand, when i hear what i do, how it could have come about. i only hope and dream i can create something just as inspiring for other beings. i have been passed down a creative love for the universe. i jump up and down waiting for the time i can feel i have really passed it on. this love from my family and my friends and from him. the one i talk to every night. he is real. love is real. we have so much to give each other. try throwing it on someone and wait for the reaction. i bet it will be grand. like the music that changes me second to second.
d. words. they make things so unsafe. gotta pee. to dream, to think, to ponder to wonder....it is all a safe haven if you allow it to be. but once put to words, to text, to SPEECH-- it becomes "something put out there" and therefore is no longer in your safe haven of thoughts and wishes and dreams. yet how do we make dreams a reality. we must cross the bridge from safe to vulnerable. wait just a hot second. that is HUGE bridge. and a completely un-sturdy one. but its the only way between the two. how does that work. i guess you can always take un-worded actions... and that is just wonderful. but for the most part- our speech- our communication- is what we need in order to have others understand and in order for something to become real. you can re-think and take back dreams or thoughts. once the text is out and understood by others...it no longer is a personal thing. and of course you can try it all out and just not care what people think. that is usually what happens to me when i non-verbally- but silently scream to the world when i get dressed and venture out into the world in the morning.... haha. my outfits. they are so fun. they are non-apologetic. maybe i should learn to live like i dress. if only it were that east. words. they make things unsafe. but they are also beautiful. and allow us communication, which is a whole other beast. it is incredible. one day i wont be scared by words. i know the day will come. it has come. and they are on vacation. im excited for the day they return. words.
e. people. i think this needs to be its own entire story. family is unbelievable. friends are constantly growing. but there are those who will always know you. and then there is the group of lovers. have been lovers. will be lovers. lovers that arnt yours. lovers you crush on. lovers you say im sorry to, and im glad we are friends. there are the current crushes that you want to run up to and just ask how they feel. do you like boys. do you like girls. do you like people. who are you? people are confusing and beautiful and different and amazingly inspiring and threatening and SCARY AS HELL....and wonderful and intriguing. people are people. all want something. some get it. some dont. i often cry for those who dont. i want to give it to them. I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. we are all alive. we are all fighting. and struggling. and working so hard. and praying. and hoping. and wishing. and believing. and giving up. and trying again. and changing oaths. and making choices. and thinking we know whats best.
i wish everyone finds something soon to be happy about. i wish everyone search for something. i wish everyone finds something- whether it is what they were looking for or not. i wish EVERYONE love. any kind of love. i hope for love. i hope to give love. what is a world without love. we are blessed, fortunate, lucky, grateful. never forget that. be grateful everyday. it is INCREDIBLE...what we have.
smile to a stranger today. please.
do something unexpected today. please.
surprise yourself today. promise.
let someone help you today. please.
be brave today. please.
give love today. an extra amount. please.
thank you. and, at 4:20 am. i bid you sweet dreams and peace. tonight and always.
No comments:
Post a Comment