season three

"no i will never be a saint...but i will always say- squint your eyes and look closer"

almost everyday it seems i've forgotten
how much time has actually passed by.
the seasons keep me updated. as i
walked home tonight i thought to myself,
"its freezing!"
and as the words created themselves
in my head, more words also overlapped
while creating themselves at the same time,
"wasn't it just summer?"

can i really be entering my third season living in this new city i can foresee being my home (as the word keeps redefining itself) for a fair and good amount of time. i've seen three of my most favorite and inspiring artists since i've been here. i've lived in three places since i moved here. i even did a three day concert. weird. why. i've been examining my past, laughing at the now and hoping for the future. and its all good. i'm also currently making a leap in my understanding of happiness- or what does, will, and can make me quote on quote happy. lots of things do. i KNOW what i want right now. its at my fingertips. but what i know that i want takes up only one space of my being AND there is so much out there. so much, that as i write this, the universe must be laughing at me as it thinks i think i know better. i get it. i dont. so sue me. hurry.

but within my reach and not within my reach there is so much i will experience and i have no idea about it yet. i imagine what it will be but there is NO WAY for me or anyone to know. i dont know better. none of us do. so as i sit here and eat these stupid christmas m and m's (which was a terrible idea to purchase) and dream about this thing i want...i also am learning that THAT alone doesn't give all the happiness in the world, or won't. i still want it and am doing EVERYTHING in my will, in my power (and i can use my power), in my heart, in everything i know how to do and use and love and be....im going for it. and i will fight to end. no. matter. what. and if you try to stop me i'll kick you in the face. ha. no i wont really. but don't try. please.

but heres the lesson. there are all these other things i can explore and do instead of just waiting around for the above. i can dive into so much more and out of the blue have that thing jump out in front and do a little tap number for me as it exclaims it is here! and life will not have had stopped in the meantime. it will not then be allowed to begin again. it will have been going in all kinds of directions, doing new things as it continues the dreaming....but instead of being asleep, she will be waving at the sights along the way, singing, laughing, working, growing, knowing, and picking herself up just about every five minutes because she knows how clumsy she is. and she knows she gets herself in trouble. and thats ok. as long as doesnt drift too far away. she can always come back to that redefining home. and she is more grateful than she could ever say for that.