love, kindess and strength

with all the events that are constantly happening, and as it seems, more constantly changing, i cant help but be inspired. growing up i was taught ideas....and as i grew up i found my own ideas about things. but i must give credit to the people who taught me what they did, because in the end i was eventually allowed to discover my own ideas, thoughts and feelings.

the more and more i know and learn, the more i change what i thought i knew and learned. people are surprising me more now, or maybe i am just more aware now. but back to the inspiration...

i sit here on my porch and look at the rain clouds, the sun setting, eat pasta, drink my glass of shiraz and take in what the week threw at me. its absolutely more than one could have thought. big issues, new lessons and exciting stories all came together to put this weeks show on. and it was entertaining, for the most part. i would have paid good money to see it. but put the new lessons and exciting stories aside, big issues had the spotlight. the realization of what life can throw at you is overwhelming. i wish i could fix everyones problems.

at this moment in my life i cannot help but look around and be so incredibly grateful for what i have right now. i have accomplished more then i could have hoped for. i was taught love the minute i was born and continue to try and spread that anywhere i can. i hope with all of my heart that all the people in the world, no matter who they be, what they want, what they have done or strive to do, believe in something they want so much that they are willing to fight with their whole soul for it. it will happen, if you are sure of it.

as for me, i want to give people hope. in a world that is not easy, finding things to believe in and things to fight for seems to help me roll along with it. or find your own way of rolling....

so blame the shiraz if you want, but i cant help but give credit to the amazing people who have inspired me throughout my life.... teaching me love, kindness and most recently, incredible strength. i love my friends and my family with my entire being.

the taste of something so sweet

"silly me, look what i did again. i found what i want is what i cannot have.... i didn't mean to be so predictable, but i blame all on who made you irresistable"

so love triangles dont only happen in the movies. you dont really realize you are at the point of one until you sit back and look at the situation. and i am absolutely in that triangle. whoops. and people say i should be happy to feel loved. i do, and i understand that. but what happens when you love the wrong person. is there a wrong person? or do we just make assumptions. i mean you never know till you try, right? but what makes you want to try it with someone over another person, even when someone wants to try it with you, and you want to try it with someone else, and they have no idea any of these feelings are happening. and what happens when you cant tell them?

i dont like getting myself in binds like this. who does? but i also hate not being able to express anything. i have my own ideas on what could be, or how things should be, but am i denying reality? is reality what you make it, or is it a preconcieved thing that you will never be able to change? or is it always evolving as we evolve....

so i am trying to just go with it, but so many factors make it so hard. i want to love again. i think i am capable of it, but my luck hasn't been on my side yet. i am still waiting for it to come round soon. maybe i am just denying i am scared. how do you overcome fear? "two dragons guard fear's mansion. one is ceramic and chinese. the other is real. if you make it past the dragons and speak to him up close, it is amazing to see how fragile he is." how do you break past the dragons? anyone?

"you should of warned me about the undertow....."

fearless flyer

"love, i get so lost sometimes. so much wasted, and this emptiness fills my heart. when i want to run away, i drive off in my car... but which ever way i go, i come back to the place you are."

you arn't looking for anything. you might secretly want something, but you allow other things to fill up your time and energy. then, without notice, what you wanted is yours, and you didnt even really know THATS what you wanted, but as soon as it was yours, you knew what the longing was all about. its no longer a confusion, but a clear picture playing in life, and you are a part of it.

then it goes away. and you do everything you can to find it. if you could, every tree, every branch, every post, every soul would be covered in wanted signs. but over the years of searching, you grow up and you learn that you found what you wanted when you wernt conducting a hunt every day for it. it just appears and catches you by surprise.

so you stop looking. and all of a sudden something comes your way ~

and immediately you ask is this it? is it finally here? but now all of a sudden new obstacles stand in your sight lines and you dont know how to deal with them. you cant get them to leave you alone, and you even take their side for everything while noticing they could be jeopardizing your happiness. confusion sets in and your little voice reminds you how you are an adult. you tell the little voice youre not good at being an adult. so, sorry. but then one night, it is all stripped down and you are able to blind the obstacles, you allow yourself to let go, just to SEE if you can. and there it is. you see it can work. but after the test run, the obstacles run up to you and are ready for a challenge. is this how it will be for the rest of existence on earth? or is this just how it is? am i not being patient enough?

or am i not allowing myself to fly....

i wait for a time when i am fearless and able to love with my whole being. i hope its soon.

"without a noise, without my pride, i reach out from the inside...."

hey, stranger

"and i think when you grow up surrounded by willful ignorance, you have to believe that mercy has its own country, and that its round and borderless...."

all of a sudden one question threw us on the path of my life thus far. i think the stars are skipping in funny alignments right now, because it seems like the universe is throwing so much at me right now. i am remembering home so much....and life events that changed my life. i got thrown back into a time that, when i try to look back and remember why or how that chapter of my life came to be, i cant.

chapters of life are so seriously incredible to me. one year you are this person...and the next you are that person. and you have to believe that there is still a core part of YOU that has stayed the same, but when you are drawn into these different past lives, you look so hard to find that part of you now that lived in that time, and shes lost. you pass by an apartment you used to hang out all the time and you are immediately drawn back to that time. you FEEL it. a song puts me in that place, too. i wish i knew how that worked.

but you visit that chapter of time, and then you feel funny abut it for a while. and to believe that everything DOES happen for a reason helps you get through it... but you cant help but be curious why. will you ever feel like this or that person again? and all of these chapters are making up your novel.... and i know i want to read it when its finished... but its like i didnt have a choice as to what material i wanted in it. i guess thats why your life experience is so precious -- things you would have NEVER thought could be written in, somehow get there, and the ink is permanent. when i look back at the stories, the tales, the lessons, the proud moments of success, whatever that is to you, i wouldnt have it any other way because no one else gets my novel. no one else gets me....yet. i want to share so much with the world, but i am afraid they wouldnt understand so much, or maybe i am just not giving them enough credit.

"then you have to grow wings and rise above...."

regretting the half-assed

"just show me a moment that is mine. its beauty, blinding and unsurpassed. make me forget every moment that went by and left me so half-hearted cause i felt it so half-assed."

because i learn something new about me everyday, my opinions and loves and fears and words change as i grow. sometimes the roots get cut from underneath me impairing my balance. other times water is poured into their souls and they get me to dance. the more i grow, the more i learn....and the more i learn, the more i regret.

what if you couldn't regret. what if you just went through life and made decisions knowing all you know at the time and it would be the right one. maybe you always do make the right decision, until you learn more, and then things become shakey. but it is what it is, right? i guess living with no regrets is a strong motto, but how do you keep regrets out. it seems like they sneak in and invite all of their friends (jealousy, anger, frustration and sadness, but who's naming names?)

i want to get to that point where i can believe that i do what i know is right, whether that's the truth or not. whoulda coulda shoulda is my least favorite dance.

i want to get to that point in my life where i believe in the things i am doing and feeling and loving and singing so much that i taste every second that i have. i don't want to do anything half-assed. not anymore. all that does is get you to regret as you grow and learn. can you make that decision? or is it fate. can you change fate? or are you just stuck.

i love life. i love people. i love my dog and pancakes...at the same time. i dont love looking back and wishing for more when the moment is gone. i dont love the guilt it invited with it.

i want to ride free and go wherever i can. i know i can do so much if i imagine and believe.

"so i'll be outside in love with the kind of beauty it takes more than eyes to know."