please.

please.
there was a time i was on top of the world. in a green volkswagen bug. with a sun roof. and i drove through the trees on my way... listening to a mix cd by a dear friend. in the ten months, i am pretty sure it was one of the only cds to play in my car. and we went to watch the show that gave you free sangria and cornbread. and deliciousness. and you knew you were watching history- no matter how funny it was. and i went home to feed the pup. and write while i listened to music on my balcony. and it usually involved wine. so sue me. and i was on my own. for the first time- far, far away. on my own. but my buddy was there. in all his joyfulness. making trouble everywhere he went. and we would take field trips to friends places. and he would wear his hooded sweatshirt. from his secret santa. and eat ice cream. and be merry. cause there we were. living for it. for the time we were given. of course we complained. but only to know we would wake up re-grateful and giggly on our way to work the next morning. still drunk. i mean. completely sober. duh. and i would get dressed up that night...and be sad to leave him. and i would go to have jamaican jerk chicken close by. or drive to the wine bar with the girls far away. and no matter how far away i was, i was always connected. i felt i knew what was happening. from home. from my heart. from the universe. and your name pops up with a new text message. and i dont want to answer it. im so scared of being disappointed. im scared of letting myself down. it could be anything. you are amazing. you know how i feel. you know i want...to give you anything i can. anything you need. anything you want. but at the same time, you are gone. to florida...to the bahamas...to california. to wherever you find comfort. and thats ok. i get it. but let me in. let me know whats going on. not rude. but. rude.
in other news. here we are. i mean....good morning. sleep tight. just woke up from my nap. wanna get lunch? coffee? should we get a drink? hey, i am going to my friends cabaret. of course you can stay with me. hey! i am coming home for a week! when does your show open? its 50 degrees today!! gotta pee. did you see what the hilary campaign is accusing obama of this week? can i get starbucks on the way to the train real quick? have you heard sufjan stevens? i just got out of class. i cant, i have to memorize sides for an audition tomorrow. i want soy nuggets. and veggie tacos. and the world. we are all alive. doing. thinking. dreaming. LOVING. wondering. confusering. doubting. we are usually wrong. in the best way possible. and sometimes we find ourselves right....down the line. we make mistakes. and follow our hearts. and we REGRET. we get scared and run away. only to regret. usually. try breaking the pattern. why not. we are only here. here we are. why is ANYONE apologizing? close your eyes. and think about things you are unsure of. or apologizing for. if you breathe and are real with yourself- you will discover there is NO REASON for this. we do it to ourselves. love. be happy. jump the hurdle. "no person can make you feel a certain way, only you can decide how to react to your environment. so.....why not be happy." fuck it all, dude. i mean, SERIOUSLY. go deeper. realize and re-live. how do you fight for what you believe in? its hard when what you feel in your heart is right. you know its right....but if theres the a big change... then it all backfires- and its all based from fear. fuck it all. to you all in this life:

wish i could.
wish you could.
i mean. comon.
just try.
here we are. here it is. live it. love it. be it.
at least take the risk to try.
please.

notes and photographs

ok. so i have a mac. and a tv. and a digital camera. and i have a myspace and facebook account that i check every day...i even have a friendster account (i know...i really dont check it, but it exists). i have an iphone that my gmail account sends its emails to every 5 seconds. and i love it. i actually love anything with an i in front of it. its automatically kind of amazing. i want a job real bad... so i can buy a wii. with guitar hero. and a fancy camera so i can walk around the city and take really amazing photos. does that make me a bad person?! eeeeeeee. i hope not. i love you. all this material talk is solely for the purpose and message of this blog. im a good person. i love trees and little dogs.

i was at a party tonight with polaroid cameras all over the place for everyones individual use. i took about six pictures. as they popped out of the weirdest looking thing...i kept noticing a common theme. they look so real!!!!!! like. i feel like i can see or feel the moment in the pics. they are definitely different then anything digital. anything new age. anything today. it made me so happy! i want a polaroid camera now. seriously. its the craziest thing. have we become crazy with all the technology. i mean, yes, we have. its gone above and beyond. and its amazing. but at the same time we are all growing with it. its a part of life now. just as the first camera was. and radio. and tv. and lightbulb, i guess. but its gotten pretty deep. we take pictures now to have a new facebook pic. or whatever. right?! and thats not bad...i mean everyone needs a new facebook pic. i just changed my myspace one. and we are all documenting and sharing...but tonight it was really about capturing the moment. i know my best friend is leaving the country for 7 months and it all became about having this minute remembered for whenever. for me. but this whole digital thought was a crazy modern day realization slash reality realization slash...i dont even know. bedtime. aka trader joes apple slices. then bedtime.

oh my technology.

geez the wheez!

OKAY. i get it. its actually geez lousie according to urbandictionary.com. and other people. but thats how i say it. so sue me. dont be mad. also, i bought chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzals at trader joes today. so dont be mad again. ok lets get serious. haha. i promise i can be serious sometimes. sometimes. its exciting to know you have been working towards thinking a certain way- and its effecting your actions and getting you to a place where you know its making a difference. i want to worry right now. i dont know what to say or if i am supposed to say anything. until i recognize worrying is only going to hurt myself. i can pretend i know better, or pretend i have some situation "figured out" (what a joke) or whatever. but in reality. not much belongs to me. except this moment. and maybe a little more. wait. i dont know. i think im making shit up. but DEF this moment is ours. and what a gift it is. it belongs to us. and it doesnt make us decide whats next. only asks that we believe in it now. and live in it now. but of course with its beauty comes the temptation to look far beyond it. to look to a place where we think we know better. but thats all the stuff we make up in our head. its the stuff that drives us crazy. SO CRAZY. right?! omg you guys. and im trying hard not to drive myself crazy. and take it all as it comes. and not believe in harsh false truths because they are exactly what they advertise themselves to be.

in the end we are all just people.
just beings.
who are trying to figure all this out.
and live. and love.
we have all hurt. we have all wished. and believed in things.
and wanted.
and we have all tried to figure it all out.
and we have all failed.
only to learn how we can pick ourselves back up.
and love harder.
and fail harder.
and be ok with that.

i cant wish anything but good upon you all. whoever you are. whatever you have done. whatever you may take. whatever you may want. whatever you may be. how can we control so much. isnt it pretty amazing to be in control of ourselves but be absolutely uncontrollable at the same time?? its so human. and truthful. one day i wont have to feel apologetic for some of my feelings. they are all justified because they are true. and here. and now. and i always want the best for people. i mean well. so im not sure why i feel like some of my feelings are wrong. but i see a change. i see myself understanding that they are what they are. and i shouldnt have to apologize for that. and i think everyone around me knows that. so its just a battle with myself. again. we kill ourselves! its hilarious! and amazing! and crazy. geez the wheez. dont be mad.

little jim cricket

sometimes something just feels right. something in us just lets us know. they dont give specifics, which is kind of fun. but they are also so smart. but the truth is, they don't know too much more than we do. i believe my instincts to be geniuses because they let me know. but they really just give me the first burst of knowing....cause thats all they can do. help us sense something is right, or wrong, or feels a certain way, or hint us towards an idea. but after that- through our feelings, decisions and the universe, it plays out and unfolds. and later we get to look back and be like ohhhh thats why this felt right. i mean, whether we follow our instincts or not...almost ALWAYS dont we look back and either in our head, or heart or out loud, we scream I KNEW IT!!! the tricky part is sometimes something feels so right, or simple, or too good to be true. so we go against it only to once again repeat ourselves....i knew it. when it seems too good or right, its so much safer to make up reasons why you are seeing it in a strewed light, why you are wrong, why it couldnt be, or shouldnt be. and even harder than that, its impossible not to close your eyes and imagine the future of the situation. its impossible for you to know how it will all play out- but by making up false ideas of how it will or will not go, it helps you decide what the right decision is now. and the whole thing is RIDICULOUS. but we love ourselves deep down. we have experienced. we have known and not known. and we secretly want to protect ourselves. how to let go of the defenses? the stories we write in our head that dont exist? i mean...im not saying we should stop looking both ways before we cross the street. silly. but maybe live for what we have- for this day- for this millisecond- cause the next one doesnt belong to us. and throughout our ENTIRE life....it never will. ever. but its all such a scary thing to trust. secretly, we've only worried about tomorrow since we can remember. so how do you make the change? im asking. seriously. haha. no seriously. wait. we are real serious. haha. no. i dont know. i get moments of not worrying. and maybe that will progress into hours of not worrying. and on and up from there. i replay my past in my head so often as to remember how things all fell into place. and kind of built the path i have been walking on to...who knows where. i worried about everything that turned out ok. i didnt realize most of how or why or when or who until it happened. or until it was gone. or until i was drinking a soy chai on the way to the subway and had a revelation. or when i was reading but really just looking at words on a page as i was recalling other things in my head and understood some event. from years ago. or from that morning. or whatever. its all up and its all down...but it goes down so it can go back up. i dont know a lot of things. but i recognize how fortunate i am, and how thankful and grateful i am. and that i think, question, love, do, be, laugh. a lot. cry, scream, write long blogs about the same thing, eat lots of cereal, wonder, dream and i recognize i cant control, but i can breathe deeply, love deeply, dream deeply and not worry about a thing. maybe one. wait. no. not the point. not worry. about. a. thing.

let the sun shine.

everythings gonna be ok. it has to be ok. so it will. and even though i have no idea how and in what way thats going to happen, i trust its gonna get there. im so fortunate. and i will get through it all. i am stronger than i know. i love harder than i know. but i secretly wanna giggle it all off. you know. dont be mad. im letting it all go to let it all in. here it goes.........