"i made up my mind when i was a young girl, that given this one whirl, i wont worry it away... now and again i loose sight of the good life, i get stuck in the low life....then love comes in"
there must come a point, or many points, in one's life where you wake up and look around and realize that your current state of mind, activities and motivation actually are NOT going to get you where you are trying to get. call it shocking, but i think it's just a little wake up call from....someone looking out for you. the world does that sometimes.
so you try to change. or you say today is the day i am going to do this and this and this and that to eventually get me ready for that, prepared for this, etc. and then i thought to myself, how can i prepare for something that doesnt exist? am i just telling meself i cant prepare for anything because the future doesnt belong to me? and i think it goes both ways. at least my conclusion for now says that. i dont have the future... and i cant prepare for something that doesnt exist yet, and isnt definable yet....but then there is a side of the future that i can work hard for. i can be prepared for anything...i can be organized... i can do a lot of things.
but the more and more i think about it, the more i feel in my core the truth. the truth is to take care of yourself is the best thing you could ever do. for the now. and for the future. thats the best ground work you can do. something got you in a funk, in a mindset, not thinking clearly.... and if you wake up one day and realize you've done things differently then you are now and its worked out pretty well for you.... then maybe its time to be as strong as you know you are. i sit here feeling stuck in a place i know ive been before...and i know where that place has gotten me...and not gotten me. and there comes a time when no matter how a piscean is supposed to act, i have to find that middle ground between my dreams that jump in the clouds waaaaay above my head, and the reality that lays on the grass just at my feet.
and i know i have a long way to go. at one point in my life i lived in california wishing i could be far away. and now as i sit in my orlando apartment, i wish of chronic taco on the beach. and mango martinis at east west. drives to santa barbara to see amazing music. and laughing with the people who i love so much and wish i could give the world to so they can hold it in their hands. i miss a short trip to san fran... a beautiful place where i felt i was getting away, but i hadnt really gone too far. it still felt home. but it felt free when i needed it to. and i miss having to pee really bad in the car ride home. but in that moment of california bliss all i wanted was to leave.
and now im gone. and i look back at a place that holds my life history thus far (until it decided to share with florida a litttttle bit) and give a gentle smile. and behind the smile is so many feelings of love, and joy and FUN....and heartache and growth, and lessons. nothing can ever replace you, my dear california.
so im going to new york. i can feeeeel deep down its the right thing. for whatever reason. but that same place way down deep hints at it not being easy. but what is easy, right? the advice i always give people when they ask me about "making it" (whatever that means to you) is that if you want something bad enough, and do EVERYTHING possible to bring your jumping dreams in the clouds down to play in the grass, then no matter how things end up....you can have NO regrets because you did EVERYTHING possible. its meant to be a happy and good thing, but i just relaized it didnt sound that way. well, the end of the advice is, i beleive in my heart if you want something bad enough and are willing to put up a fight everytime, it will happen.
so as i give myself my own "advice" i realize some things i need to do. but its hard. i need to make changes. and i know if i dont start them now i am already going against my so-called words of...wisdom. or truth. or belief. whatever they can be defined as...im not going along with them right now. i dont think change is as scary as we make it out to be. i think the scary part of it is that it can test our strengths as beings. but we are given little cracks of things to go through that relveals to us how beautifully and powerfully strong we actually are.
i dont know the right way to go about finding my dreams, but i do know i have some pretty tough road blockers right now, and i have built them. so maybe all there is to do is not worry about which way is the right way, but instead understand there is no way to go at this point until i break down the road blocks. and thats what i CAN do, now, to help clear any path i may be lucky enough to stumble upon, later.
"there's too many things i havent done yet...theres too many sunsets i havent seen...and surely something has got to, got to give, because i can't keep waiting to live"
