comfortable

i've heard it over and over again. not to me, and so i didnt give this phrase the attention it deserves:

i'm not here to make you comfortable.

and you refers to you, and you and you and me. i dont need to prove a thing to anyone. just give goodness. i will inspire- and i dont need to wait around trying to figure out how. it will just happen. its not gonna come in an email. its not gonna come in what i thought i could be. or would be. its not gonna matter if you dont share the info with me. or keep me in the loop. it doesnt matter! oh my goodness. it doesnt! ha! how beautiful is that?! im not a fit for all the molds, all the people, all the roles, all the songs... but i am fit for what im fit for. whatever that means. whatever that is. and i am so grateful that i dont need to worry about all the cha cha that keeps dancing in front of me as it tries to prove i need it, or should be it, or should need it. or that its right. its just lost and looking to entertain someone. its bored. and wants to distract. i'll applaud it- but i wont let it live for me. i am strong. my heart has seen a lot and is constantly searching and feeling and loving and grieving. physically i am strong. when my mind stays out of the way, i can do almost anything. getting lost, getting caught up is all too funny to me now. and we all do it. but at the end of whatever- it all goes away. the sadness, the beauty, the he said she said, the voice, the roles we play- on and off stage, our bed, my wii, my protection necklace, my strong body.... it all strips itself away to reveal what was always there and what always will. we allow ourselves to be lost. maybe so we have something to try and find. or we are scared of what we might find so we decide its better to search our whole lives instead. i'm not here to make you comfortable. but i am here to inspire and to love...harder than i know.

maybe all the plans i think i have will be completely different. maybe no one is ever better than anyone else. maybe i rise above it to my own level of understanding and perspective. and smile at all the dancing cha cha from my cloud. or as i shyly peek around the corner. or as i cry with someone i love. or as i cry to myself because i dont know how to give all this love inside away fast enough and to everyone i can. what can i do??? i want to do it all.

i will inspire in my own ways- whatever they may be. in ways i know and in ones i dont. and even though some things or events seem to appear as the only way i can express and inspire, they are actually someone else's expression and inspiration covered in a gooey, glossy shine. they look better on the outside.. but maybe its just cause they arnt your inspiration to give away. the ones that really choose you do it very carefully. be happy and grateful for those. they are the real deal. their hearts are bigger than their character description. you can choose to drool over the shiny glossy ones that dont belong to you, or realize they are just teasing you. leave them alone. get back in your life, in your heart, in your inspiration and try to make your spirit understand the good stuff. your stuff. the real stuff. this stuff.

we got it good, dude.try taking a trip to a cloud. peek around a corner only to amuse yourself. cry. love. harder. i'm not here to make you comfortable. you don't have to either. but i will never stop loving. and i will never stop being and doing all the good i know how. cause thats the real stuff. my stuff. the good stuff. this stuff.