i know its possible

i'm convinced we know nothing. and we seek others words and opinions to help us understand or know. but in the end- truth only comes from deep down. not from opinions. maybe love is truth. and thats why it feels so beautiful and hurts so, so bad. free minds. free love. free truth. how funny to live life respecting and trusting your instincts, while at the same time having another life inside who constantly fights them. its the journey, not the timing. cause in the end- thats what matters. the lessons, the growth, the love....

i want whats best for you all before myself. im learning to find a happy medium because im told im important too- but the secret about all that is i know i am. im grateful for me. i wanna effect. touch. love. experience. be. understand. trust. give. and so much more- and i feel like its all destined in my journey... but the not knowing what your journey is compels me to want everything for you first.

deep breaths? required. self love? required. perspective and strength? required. red wine? required? no no no just kidding. kind of. actually, not really. just kidding! kind of.

in the mean time? talk about the gratefulness. i only hope to inspire you. whoever you are. the economy is a mess. we know this. but there was a time i was a complete mess. and im doing okay. or perhaps i have always been a mess in SOME respect- and the goodness of another part always pulls through and shines brighter. and its very possible things may shine brighter soon. i think about it a lot. whoever you are- whatevers going on- may keep going. may stop in 8 minutes. may never be what you want it to be. but none of its bad. it all is as it is. is that so? keep asking that. is that so? i'm convinced we know nothing!!! and its all a journey. what can we do but keep the faith and have hope.

love begets love.
hope begets hope.
everything begets everything.
but among it all...
love begets love.
and i stand strongly behind that.
i love. always and forever.
and especially now.
and i put my love out there for you all.
and all i ask is you try and take it in and experience it.
or share it.
cause its very possible that its all a circle. or something like the idea of that...
let us feel. and learn. and LOVE. among all.
for in the end
i am convinced, i tell you...
that we know NOTHING,
and among it all,
i know...yes i KNOW.
i know its possible.

let go

really? almost an entire month has gone by? i dont understand. but it gives me hope that i can handle the next month. not handle- love and enjoy and LIVE in it. every second. but i know something that is going to be missed....in the next month. or two. or who knows. its the who knows that gets me. i want to know. and i dont want to know. and then i am reminded....by the wisest people i know of fluctuation. and maybe that is just a word we use as a place holder or an excuse. cause the truth is- what the eff do we actually know??? i am pretty convinced its not much. and that is so beautiful in its way. he said. she said. you said. they said. you think. they think. she thinks... all different. so what do we KNOW. not much. cause even at the source...they admit they dont know. so everything else is just a complete disaster. haha. and so are you. and we want an answer. we want to hear what we want to hear- and when we dont know what we want to hear or what we want we fish around for something that feels right. or fills something. or makes us feel something. i cant wait for a time when it all matches up. or maybe that never happens. maybe you have to just decide something feels right and no matter what go for it- believing whats meant to be just happens. which i do. and it does. no matter WHAT. having faith in that is the one of the most powerful things i have ever seen. or believed. or felt. but i believe in love. i believe in what i feel. i believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt and trusting their word- even when sometimes it makes you crazy. or something... it makes you feel something... sometimes your stomach churns...in the best way possible. sometimes you cry. sometimes you laugh- and believe in your power again. sometimes you fall hard. and all of these things happen almost at the same time. all because you dont know. whats to be. what is really going on... you stop believing for a minute that you dont get to call the shots all the time. and that throws you further down. and then you begin to feel and hear wisdom and love...and you find your power again. you dont loose any of the love in doing so...but instead of keeping yourself down- you learn to love in a new way. you love so much...you let go...to let love in.

"its only love that gets you through"

its a situation you feel like you have been in before but its just slightly different as situations usually are as you recognize them throughout the life. and you reflect, realizing you must have learned from it last time....but confused as to how to deal with it this time. do the little things make that much of a difference that you can't figure out how to deal? or do you care more this time than the last? the more i understand its other peoples feelings on the line, more than mine, and care that it is more than mine...the more careful i seem to be. i think we scare ourselves by caring more than we intended. or maybe we always wanted to care this much but tried to intend on not caring so much because we were scared of what that meant. and its not even that deep. its just the constant questioning. and realizing not everyone is on your side. whatever that means to you. but in the end...you know, deep in your gut... nothing blocks whats meant to be. whatever that outcome is. whatever goes along with it. there is no denying it. no matter what people tell you. or tells another. they can make you try and see its not meant to be. or that it absolutely is. in the end...and this is both scary and beautiful... it really does not matter. they dont have that power. no one does. whatever is meant to be just finds its way. and will be. however and whatever that means. so to give attention to the undeniable who believes they are the most powerful is a waste of time. "its only love that gets you through." and it only reminds me how true that is. why wish anything less than love for anyone. truly. sit with that thought. talk yourself in or out of it. but really. why not just love. and wish love. and spread love. and be love. knowing how powerful that is. and amazing. and real. and beautiful. what in the world do we really know anyway. except to love. i beg it of you. "its only love that gets you through." i really beg it of you.

soomie.

i feel like i want to graduate to a new blog. or something. its been a while since i've written steadily. i know its not for lack of material, emotion or experience. maybe it was summer vacation and i'm in a new grade. whatever it may be, its all begun again, i believe. i mean, why not? i haven't really a clue whats happening in life- ok i actually think i may know a lot more than i proclaim- so sue me. but looking back a few months and skipping ahead to now... its all new. its like how different you become, or don't, but experience from age 18 to 19 to 20 to 21 to 22....and maybe it just never stops. sometimes you are growing alone, sometimes by the side of friends, lovers, cast mates...always in the company of the universe. trusting it all the time, but bad mouthing it once in a while because of something else unrelated that made you mad. however, the trust carries with you- how can it not? i look around in amazement. the appearances of beautiful people- that i get to actually talk to. and hug. and cry to. and be there for. and LAUGH A LOT. its really the best thing. i am fascinated, giggly, searching, thankful and terrified on a daily basis. and i think as inconsistent as it is, i like it this way. so sue me. and i know shit happens. this isnt a secret. it may be a lesson. i cant promise it will go away. but i can promise we can always make it through. if you are having a hard time believing come find me. i will always be here for you to remind you and make you re-believe. keep trusting. trust me. what a powerful world we live in- full of so many beings searching for power or wondering if it exists or bad mouthing it- but what if we have power by simply being. maybe giving that much simplicity to something takes away the power to have something to worry about. i dont actually know if i know what i am saying anymore. SUE ME. i am pretty sure i have too many thoughts, feelings, emotions...all still in discovery mode. but i am kind of obsessed with it all. so sue me.

a little on love.

ah, love. she really is everywhere. i am so grateful to be able to give her. i can't understand the lovely places she shows her face. i have been shown a love in all my life that is unlike anything. it can never be taken away. it's when you don't expect her. thats the kicker. when she has become a part of you in a different way than you know. or knew. or thought. ohhhhh. wait. THAT'S her?! yup. THAT WAS HER?! yup. surprise! she snuck right in there. ha. and that's what all the pushing and pulling is for. that's why you are willing to do almost anything. but just because she has found her way into your spirit doesn't always mean it will play out like it has before. it doesn't mean she is in everyone's spirit the same way. she effects people in different ways. people understand her differently- at different times, places, people. i didn't even realize she was recently here until she found a way to make me turn right around and look at myself. into myself. and to see that love exposed me to another love that had been living there for a few months. mind you it was temporary. she just needed a sublet. which isn't to say she disappears...she just shows me a new understanding of herself. and its pretty amazing."don't let them rob you of your grace/ love is all over the place/ there's nothing wrong with your face/ love is all over the place/ there's nothing wrong with your face..." and you know, maybe part of being at peace is understanding this realization isn't a bad thing. love. it is as it is. we dress it up with emotions and descriptions and words. to help us cope. because we only want to understand. we only want to allow her in. we want to make it right. make her right. love just lives. that's all she does. love just IS. and thats beautiful because ~ we are lucky if, even for a moment, we feel her dance inside of us.

a little on now.

we keep moving through all the everythings. once we decide we arn't reversing: time, age, memories, what was... we learn to only fully move in the only direction available to us. and once we get enough forward momentum there isn't energy left to give to what was. could have been. should have been. living in all that lets you pass by all the now. like the long beach to jfk jetblue direct flight. you're in california and somehow five hours later you're across the country. but to think what you flew over in those 5 hours. how many peoples lives were going on just underneath you. many people were probably born. someone had a fight. someone made up. lives probably changed in some state. someone was probably moving. someone probably adopted a dog. granted you are not directly involved with all these events, or maybe you are, but things are always going on. in everyones lives. to live in yesterday, to live in last month, last year...allows you to not live in this day, this hour, this second.

comfortable

i've heard it over and over again. not to me, and so i didnt give this phrase the attention it deserves:

i'm not here to make you comfortable.

and you refers to you, and you and you and me. i dont need to prove a thing to anyone. just give goodness. i will inspire- and i dont need to wait around trying to figure out how. it will just happen. its not gonna come in an email. its not gonna come in what i thought i could be. or would be. its not gonna matter if you dont share the info with me. or keep me in the loop. it doesnt matter! oh my goodness. it doesnt! ha! how beautiful is that?! im not a fit for all the molds, all the people, all the roles, all the songs... but i am fit for what im fit for. whatever that means. whatever that is. and i am so grateful that i dont need to worry about all the cha cha that keeps dancing in front of me as it tries to prove i need it, or should be it, or should need it. or that its right. its just lost and looking to entertain someone. its bored. and wants to distract. i'll applaud it- but i wont let it live for me. i am strong. my heart has seen a lot and is constantly searching and feeling and loving and grieving. physically i am strong. when my mind stays out of the way, i can do almost anything. getting lost, getting caught up is all too funny to me now. and we all do it. but at the end of whatever- it all goes away. the sadness, the beauty, the he said she said, the voice, the roles we play- on and off stage, our bed, my wii, my protection necklace, my strong body.... it all strips itself away to reveal what was always there and what always will. we allow ourselves to be lost. maybe so we have something to try and find. or we are scared of what we might find so we decide its better to search our whole lives instead. i'm not here to make you comfortable. but i am here to inspire and to love...harder than i know.

maybe all the plans i think i have will be completely different. maybe no one is ever better than anyone else. maybe i rise above it to my own level of understanding and perspective. and smile at all the dancing cha cha from my cloud. or as i shyly peek around the corner. or as i cry with someone i love. or as i cry to myself because i dont know how to give all this love inside away fast enough and to everyone i can. what can i do??? i want to do it all.

i will inspire in my own ways- whatever they may be. in ways i know and in ones i dont. and even though some things or events seem to appear as the only way i can express and inspire, they are actually someone else's expression and inspiration covered in a gooey, glossy shine. they look better on the outside.. but maybe its just cause they arnt your inspiration to give away. the ones that really choose you do it very carefully. be happy and grateful for those. they are the real deal. their hearts are bigger than their character description. you can choose to drool over the shiny glossy ones that dont belong to you, or realize they are just teasing you. leave them alone. get back in your life, in your heart, in your inspiration and try to make your spirit understand the good stuff. your stuff. the real stuff. this stuff.

we got it good, dude.try taking a trip to a cloud. peek around a corner only to amuse yourself. cry. love. harder. i'm not here to make you comfortable. you don't have to either. but i will never stop loving. and i will never stop being and doing all the good i know how. cause thats the real stuff. my stuff. the good stuff. this stuff.

i mean, they're just stairs.

as i wandered out of apartment for a tall soy chai at the starbucks around the corner in my pajamas and uggers, i realized i live in a neighborhood. some of the places on my block i go to multiple times a week. i see a lot of the same people. its a cool thing. i just had never taken the time to stop and really feel that until now. i dont drive there and i go through two doors and up 5 flights of stairs to get there...but its my home. now. the hallways right outside my door are blue. baby blue. people lived here a long time ago. i wont live here forever. my roommate will change 3 times. i will walk to work in the park this summer. central park. wait. thats nuts. i can WALK there. and a million other places. events that have truly effected my life for all different reasons and ways have happened in this neighborhood. at bars. food places. certain walking paths to get places. to the train. in the train. at a popular stop. on my corner. in our apt. in anyones apt. in class. in taxis. in entryways. fire escape. whatever. a lot has happened. thats the reality of it all. we can decide to see things any way we want at any given time. but sometimes its not what is right in front of you. but when you look back and see things just as they are, you realize how much you missed while you were busy fluffing it all up. time is a changin. time is a goin. pretty fast if you ask me. so i might as well start practicing cutting the fluffing routine. isnt it just getting in the way? we are love. we have been given so much. we have WORKED for so much. we have LOVED for so much. i have compassion, i feel compassion. i want to give so much. i want to do so much, be so much. and then you miss the train- by a long shot, or just as they announce "stand clear of the closing doors please ding dong"- you sometimes just gotta decide to take a taxi. hahaha just kidding. just remember another train is coming. and you can decide to watch the express trains in misery as they fly by your stop- or you can rejoice in your own way that one WILL be coming. and you will get on. and be on your way. but in the waiting time- dont sit and wait. read a book. listen to your ipod. iphone. ishuff, ilisten, ilove, ithinkyouregreat, hahaha ianything. smile at someone. write something. buy a water or skittles if there is a stand at your stop (50th st. 1 station). why a train analogy you may ask?
i have no idea.
in the meantime, dont forget who you are. who you have been. how many changes you will have in life. remember to always be grateful for what you have. and think good thoughts for people. believe that you really help by doing so. treat people the way you want to be treated unless they're a jerk, remember how people saw you in high school. other schools. other chapters of your life. i get mixed tapes from a boy from high school. that i still talk to! and share things with. like. thats crazy. so is the fact that i've been out of high school for six years. YIKES. but how much has happened since then. wow. we've been so many places. and will be so many places. but for now. im in my hood. with my soy chai. and this is the real thing. im alive. 5 flights up.

monopoly.

sometimes you have to fool yourself. you gotta tell yourself everything is ok when its not. and if you keep reminding yourself everyday- by the time it figures out the joke you are playing, things have made a turn for the better. funny how that works. they haven't turned yet, i'm still in the game... sometimes im sure i'm ahead and then i dont pass go. dont collect $200. damn it. but its really just breathing deep and trusting. my heart knows the game but plays anyway for amusement. maybe it does it out of kindness for me. for my spirit. maybe they are best friends. looking out for each other. thats what friends do anyway, right? its like those little white lies that are for good purpose. "hey dude, you're looking better" to a sick friend. "briley just wanted me to tell you how proud you make him" a text message from a father to a daughter who feels like she failed. briley is her dog. sometimes you gotta have a friday night with yourself. what am i doing? what am i loving? who am i loving? who is this person i am creating? whats worth while. whats not. and why do we hold on to the not. even when the not doesn't give you the time of day. we find nots all over the place. in events, in people, in winning and loosing. some of them are tricky. they dont let you go. so how do you let it go? do you go all old fashioned and just tie a string around your finger to remind you to do so? why are there so many questions? why are there even more answers...like the ratio of questions to answers is pretty stupid. there can be a million different answers for each question. so why is it so easy to ask a question but so hard to find answers. shouldn't they just be like falling from the sky at this point? hello? answers? no? none for you? enjoy. like, its crazy. maybe a lot of our questions are answers restated. or maybe we know answers deep down but we keep asking questions to recover them. "if you dont ask the right questions, every answer seems wrong." thats how ani difranco feels about the situation. maybe we are just always changing. evolving. growing. sprouting. i think i say that a lot in blogs, just in different ways. well i just repeat myself all the time in different ways. especially in the blogsters. sorry bout it. how can you want so much, want to do so much, know you can do so much and feel so unorganized about everything. and then you always ask what took you so long? what takes anyone so long? especially when there is so much importance in the world. so much to give. to do. to be. to love. to sing. so why does it take so long? and why does it all seem to happen so fast. one day you're on top of the world. and the next day the part goes to someone else. how much do we actually control? when we are working so hard all we want is time off. when we have time off all we want is something to do. we are crazy. and complex. and deep. and full of energy. and love. and thoughts. and emotions. why do we fight? why do we build walls? why do some things effect us so much deeper that the rest. i want to know so much. but i dont want to do research. im stubborn. and im tough. even though i look like a sweet 16 year old. i dont like pink. i do like flowers. a lot. and pictures. and music. woah music. i just wish to experience it all before i die. all of it. in my own way. i'll get unstuck. i'll become re-confident. but i will always gain the most from humbling moments. i hope we all will. and i'll find my way again, sometime and somehow. but until then, i'll smile cause it uses less muscles then it does to frown. and i'll keep playing the fool myself game. and i'll win. WITHOUT a get out of jail free card. suckers.

la familia

la familia
we are in a constant battle of being what we think we need to be. and with what we think we are. and with what we think we should be. or could be. or with what we are not. and what we were but arnt really anymore. and through all of the time with our thoughts... they support us more than we could ever get a grasp on. unconditional love. even when we dont believe it. or think about it. someone is always on our side. rooting for us. living through our ups and downs from across the country. wanting us to succeed more than we know. whenever we feel joyful, its possible that it comes from the people thinking good thoughts about us all the time. our family, some love, some dont. they are a part of us. they are my heart. they are a part of me that lives so strongly and beautifully and that i can never let go of. i owe it all to them. i could cry with gratefulness for them. they are the most beautiful spirit i know. and i always feel them with me. i want them always there. i get excited for things that go my way... but as soon as they appear, i think of my family. and how when i am happy i wish that for them. when i take off in a plane... i use the quick runway time to thank the universe for everything and ask to get me to point b safely. always immediately after that i ask for the health and happiness of my family. they will always be my heart. they will always be the first ones i call. i will always feel them with me. i will always be inspired by them. i will always long for them. i know its different for everyone. but until the day i die i will live for my family. the strength they have taught me. the goodness they have given me. the goodness they have taught me to live on forever. i only hope to spread their goodness in the world a little bit at a time. i am their number one fan. i would hug them 24 hours a day if i could. their love is the most special i have known. i cant even put a word to it. all i know for sure nowadays is a few things i learned from them. be kind. work hard. do what you love. love. just love. be grateful. and i am. i try. i do. all of these things. thank you. from the whole of my heart. this world means a lot to me. but means the world to me because of you. i wish i knew what to do to make you understand. you are my heart. you live fully with me everyday. im lost a lot of the time. but the thought of you always makes it ok. i talk a lot. i listen hard. i love hard. i work hard. im hard on myself. the world can be hard on me but i secretly dont mind. i know its always temporary. i try to understand. i’m often lost. and found. just to find myself...lost again. and im ok with that. so much LOVE always. why not? love hard. harder. hardest. i hope i make you as proud, everyday, as you make me. i wish you could understand my gratefulness. thank you. thank you. i love you.

i want a doughnut

dont ask me
i said dont ask me
dont you even ask me
why
i want a doughnut.
i just do.

hello. what?? oh. the doughnuts are not gonna happen. but i love the cake kind with the vanilla frosting and rainbow sprinkles. haha. shut up allison.

its all complicated and weird. and you cant avoid it. so why try.
thanks patty.

well...i do try. so sue me. im sure we all try, in our own ways. but how can we not be effected and inspired and persuaded by everything. there are norms that exist. rules of society. there are rules among our family. among our chosen family of friends. to our pets we are someone. to our friends from high school we are someone. to our bosses. to our parents. to our lovers. to ourselves. who are we the most truthful with? does it change? we must always be changing... i mean we experience new things, people, lives... everyday. how can we not change. how do we find a truthful rock...a place we know we can always go back to when we go home at night. that no matter what we feel we need to adjust for certain friends, family, situations... what we take away from the reality of who we are right now or what we add to it... how do we know what the thing that makes us us stays. where does she live? does our perspective change, making it easier to loose her or find her at any given point? how do we even discover her?? is it just a feeling we know. is it something we do? is it the way we laugh. or love. or what. different for each person? moving across the country can hide her...or change her....or discover another part of her. so how do you know whats what? how do you sort through her? how are you sure of how many parts of her exist? is there only one part of her that truly exists that can be seen a million different ways. do you ever actually and honestly find her slash figure her out? shes a mess.

we place importance on different things on a daily/weekly/monthly/yearly....secondly basis.

so possibly the answer is we just never know. maybe because she runs around and hides. maybe she changes with us. maybe she is always there in the exact place. but we wander. and go back and forth. loosing and finding her along the way.

either way. i have dreams. i love hard. and im never positive where the "she" is at any moment... but the belief and the faith and the know that she is there...somewhere, is enough. dancing. or running. or being crazy. shes there. and i may scatter. and i may loose perspective and than gain it back. we may miss eachother on the upside and find eachother on the down side. either way... we are always there with eachother. sometimes we know it. sometimes we dont.

but why worry, right? its all complicated and weird. and you cant avoid it. so why try?

please.

please.
there was a time i was on top of the world. in a green volkswagen bug. with a sun roof. and i drove through the trees on my way... listening to a mix cd by a dear friend. in the ten months, i am pretty sure it was one of the only cds to play in my car. and we went to watch the show that gave you free sangria and cornbread. and deliciousness. and you knew you were watching history- no matter how funny it was. and i went home to feed the pup. and write while i listened to music on my balcony. and it usually involved wine. so sue me. and i was on my own. for the first time- far, far away. on my own. but my buddy was there. in all his joyfulness. making trouble everywhere he went. and we would take field trips to friends places. and he would wear his hooded sweatshirt. from his secret santa. and eat ice cream. and be merry. cause there we were. living for it. for the time we were given. of course we complained. but only to know we would wake up re-grateful and giggly on our way to work the next morning. still drunk. i mean. completely sober. duh. and i would get dressed up that night...and be sad to leave him. and i would go to have jamaican jerk chicken close by. or drive to the wine bar with the girls far away. and no matter how far away i was, i was always connected. i felt i knew what was happening. from home. from my heart. from the universe. and your name pops up with a new text message. and i dont want to answer it. im so scared of being disappointed. im scared of letting myself down. it could be anything. you are amazing. you know how i feel. you know i want...to give you anything i can. anything you need. anything you want. but at the same time, you are gone. to florida...to the bahamas...to california. to wherever you find comfort. and thats ok. i get it. but let me in. let me know whats going on. not rude. but. rude.
in other news. here we are. i mean....good morning. sleep tight. just woke up from my nap. wanna get lunch? coffee? should we get a drink? hey, i am going to my friends cabaret. of course you can stay with me. hey! i am coming home for a week! when does your show open? its 50 degrees today!! gotta pee. did you see what the hilary campaign is accusing obama of this week? can i get starbucks on the way to the train real quick? have you heard sufjan stevens? i just got out of class. i cant, i have to memorize sides for an audition tomorrow. i want soy nuggets. and veggie tacos. and the world. we are all alive. doing. thinking. dreaming. LOVING. wondering. confusering. doubting. we are usually wrong. in the best way possible. and sometimes we find ourselves right....down the line. we make mistakes. and follow our hearts. and we REGRET. we get scared and run away. only to regret. usually. try breaking the pattern. why not. we are only here. here we are. why is ANYONE apologizing? close your eyes. and think about things you are unsure of. or apologizing for. if you breathe and are real with yourself- you will discover there is NO REASON for this. we do it to ourselves. love. be happy. jump the hurdle. "no person can make you feel a certain way, only you can decide how to react to your environment. so.....why not be happy." fuck it all, dude. i mean, SERIOUSLY. go deeper. realize and re-live. how do you fight for what you believe in? its hard when what you feel in your heart is right. you know its right....but if theres the a big change... then it all backfires- and its all based from fear. fuck it all. to you all in this life:

wish i could.
wish you could.
i mean. comon.
just try.
here we are. here it is. live it. love it. be it.
at least take the risk to try.
please.

notes and photographs

ok. so i have a mac. and a tv. and a digital camera. and i have a myspace and facebook account that i check every day...i even have a friendster account (i know...i really dont check it, but it exists). i have an iphone that my gmail account sends its emails to every 5 seconds. and i love it. i actually love anything with an i in front of it. its automatically kind of amazing. i want a job real bad... so i can buy a wii. with guitar hero. and a fancy camera so i can walk around the city and take really amazing photos. does that make me a bad person?! eeeeeeee. i hope not. i love you. all this material talk is solely for the purpose and message of this blog. im a good person. i love trees and little dogs.

i was at a party tonight with polaroid cameras all over the place for everyones individual use. i took about six pictures. as they popped out of the weirdest looking thing...i kept noticing a common theme. they look so real!!!!!! like. i feel like i can see or feel the moment in the pics. they are definitely different then anything digital. anything new age. anything today. it made me so happy! i want a polaroid camera now. seriously. its the craziest thing. have we become crazy with all the technology. i mean, yes, we have. its gone above and beyond. and its amazing. but at the same time we are all growing with it. its a part of life now. just as the first camera was. and radio. and tv. and lightbulb, i guess. but its gotten pretty deep. we take pictures now to have a new facebook pic. or whatever. right?! and thats not bad...i mean everyone needs a new facebook pic. i just changed my myspace one. and we are all documenting and sharing...but tonight it was really about capturing the moment. i know my best friend is leaving the country for 7 months and it all became about having this minute remembered for whenever. for me. but this whole digital thought was a crazy modern day realization slash reality realization slash...i dont even know. bedtime. aka trader joes apple slices. then bedtime.

oh my technology.

geez the wheez!

OKAY. i get it. its actually geez lousie according to urbandictionary.com. and other people. but thats how i say it. so sue me. dont be mad. also, i bought chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzals at trader joes today. so dont be mad again. ok lets get serious. haha. i promise i can be serious sometimes. sometimes. its exciting to know you have been working towards thinking a certain way- and its effecting your actions and getting you to a place where you know its making a difference. i want to worry right now. i dont know what to say or if i am supposed to say anything. until i recognize worrying is only going to hurt myself. i can pretend i know better, or pretend i have some situation "figured out" (what a joke) or whatever. but in reality. not much belongs to me. except this moment. and maybe a little more. wait. i dont know. i think im making shit up. but DEF this moment is ours. and what a gift it is. it belongs to us. and it doesnt make us decide whats next. only asks that we believe in it now. and live in it now. but of course with its beauty comes the temptation to look far beyond it. to look to a place where we think we know better. but thats all the stuff we make up in our head. its the stuff that drives us crazy. SO CRAZY. right?! omg you guys. and im trying hard not to drive myself crazy. and take it all as it comes. and not believe in harsh false truths because they are exactly what they advertise themselves to be.

in the end we are all just people.
just beings.
who are trying to figure all this out.
and live. and love.
we have all hurt. we have all wished. and believed in things.
and wanted.
and we have all tried to figure it all out.
and we have all failed.
only to learn how we can pick ourselves back up.
and love harder.
and fail harder.
and be ok with that.

i cant wish anything but good upon you all. whoever you are. whatever you have done. whatever you may take. whatever you may want. whatever you may be. how can we control so much. isnt it pretty amazing to be in control of ourselves but be absolutely uncontrollable at the same time?? its so human. and truthful. one day i wont have to feel apologetic for some of my feelings. they are all justified because they are true. and here. and now. and i always want the best for people. i mean well. so im not sure why i feel like some of my feelings are wrong. but i see a change. i see myself understanding that they are what they are. and i shouldnt have to apologize for that. and i think everyone around me knows that. so its just a battle with myself. again. we kill ourselves! its hilarious! and amazing! and crazy. geez the wheez. dont be mad.

little jim cricket

sometimes something just feels right. something in us just lets us know. they dont give specifics, which is kind of fun. but they are also so smart. but the truth is, they don't know too much more than we do. i believe my instincts to be geniuses because they let me know. but they really just give me the first burst of knowing....cause thats all they can do. help us sense something is right, or wrong, or feels a certain way, or hint us towards an idea. but after that- through our feelings, decisions and the universe, it plays out and unfolds. and later we get to look back and be like ohhhh thats why this felt right. i mean, whether we follow our instincts or not...almost ALWAYS dont we look back and either in our head, or heart or out loud, we scream I KNEW IT!!! the tricky part is sometimes something feels so right, or simple, or too good to be true. so we go against it only to once again repeat ourselves....i knew it. when it seems too good or right, its so much safer to make up reasons why you are seeing it in a strewed light, why you are wrong, why it couldnt be, or shouldnt be. and even harder than that, its impossible not to close your eyes and imagine the future of the situation. its impossible for you to know how it will all play out- but by making up false ideas of how it will or will not go, it helps you decide what the right decision is now. and the whole thing is RIDICULOUS. but we love ourselves deep down. we have experienced. we have known and not known. and we secretly want to protect ourselves. how to let go of the defenses? the stories we write in our head that dont exist? i mean...im not saying we should stop looking both ways before we cross the street. silly. but maybe live for what we have- for this day- for this millisecond- cause the next one doesnt belong to us. and throughout our ENTIRE life....it never will. ever. but its all such a scary thing to trust. secretly, we've only worried about tomorrow since we can remember. so how do you make the change? im asking. seriously. haha. no seriously. wait. we are real serious. haha. no. i dont know. i get moments of not worrying. and maybe that will progress into hours of not worrying. and on and up from there. i replay my past in my head so often as to remember how things all fell into place. and kind of built the path i have been walking on to...who knows where. i worried about everything that turned out ok. i didnt realize most of how or why or when or who until it happened. or until it was gone. or until i was drinking a soy chai on the way to the subway and had a revelation. or when i was reading but really just looking at words on a page as i was recalling other things in my head and understood some event. from years ago. or from that morning. or whatever. its all up and its all down...but it goes down so it can go back up. i dont know a lot of things. but i recognize how fortunate i am, and how thankful and grateful i am. and that i think, question, love, do, be, laugh. a lot. cry, scream, write long blogs about the same thing, eat lots of cereal, wonder, dream and i recognize i cant control, but i can breathe deeply, love deeply, dream deeply and not worry about a thing. maybe one. wait. no. not the point. not worry. about. a. thing.

let the sun shine.

everythings gonna be ok. it has to be ok. so it will. and even though i have no idea how and in what way thats going to happen, i trust its gonna get there. im so fortunate. and i will get through it all. i am stronger than i know. i love harder than i know. but i secretly wanna giggle it all off. you know. dont be mad. im letting it all go to let it all in. here it goes.........

d express

one can get a lot done during the columbus circle express stretch to the 125th street stop. and i was going to 145 (even better). if you close your eyes you get this really fun feeling of moving really fast knowing you're not going to get the sudden sway to one side anytime soon as you express pass. headphones in, eyes closed, backpack held tight, mind on- i couldn't help but remember some already read chapters of my life thus far. woah i'm so grateful for it all. i thought back to a time where there didn't seem to be any escape. where love had come and gone and had convinced me on her way out that she would never appear again. or maybe she tried to convince me otherwise and i only heard what i wanted. and i questioned everything. and that what i was feeling or thinking would never go away- that is just how it was and how it was going to be. or fast forward to a time where i was really being on my own. for the first time really. where i grew so much. where i learned so much. where i was surrounded by a whole new family of friends. and i couldn't get over the fact that i hadn't known them before. except for one of them- and he made me feel just enough home and familiarity that made everything ok as i started that journey. or rewind way back before love left to when she was there. and even before that. woah. quite a few chapters there. just joy. meeting best friends. learning how much was available to you in the world. open hearts, open minds, hard working, discovering, rolling down grassy hills, a pub with a history since the 60's, picking yourself up, letting yourself fall and getting through it all. rewind way back. to a time only me can understand in this life now. it reminds me how strong and lucky i am. these chapters are only part of the book- but i kept having the same thought on the d express. never ever ever in all these times could i or would i have imagined myself being where i am at this minute. location-wise, working hard-wise, enjoying life-wise, not taking anything for granted-wise....being surrounded by some of the most amazing and beautiful human beings i could have ever imagined. where did they come from?! i am inspired everyday. i am laughing harder than i can remember. i am here. and i am happy. and the more i close my eyes and let it all go- the more i am allowed to invite it all in....and it actually feels like it all wants to. and i welcome it all with open arms and gratitude. and am thankful for whoever keeps reminding me to let it all go to let it all in- and honestly making me do it. i can feel it happening. i dont know. i think i just want to hug the world.

this is it

"its just a little voice. and if you're listening~ sometimes a little voice can say the biggest things."

dear life, i love you. love allison. i mean we are here. we are there. we are lost and found, just to find ourselves lost again. we learn lost to be a negative thing. but i think its another opportunity to find ourselves. or a part of us. or just an excuse to search. stuff is good, stuff is not so good... or we perceive everything to be certain way depending on what feels comfortable for us to feel at any given moment. or we are trying it all on to see if it fits. or we dont know what we are doing so we just play it out. live it out. think or feel it out. we are only human. and as incredibly powerful as that is, its also just so human. what a beautiful thing it is to figure things out. its even more beautiful to just try. cause eventually, as it turns out, who knows if we ever figure things out. maybe things work the way they are supposed to and when they turn out ok we believe this to be so because we believe them to have worked out how we thought they should. but maybe they just did what they were supposed to. and when it feels right, or feels good, we are sure this was what SHOULD have happened. this is what was going to happen. we are strong and powerful beings. and i dont always know what i am doing. ha. i know who i am because of this feeling i get. i get instincts. i listen to them. i believe in them. i have hopes. i have many fears. i try to overcome, i try to challenge, i try to give in, i try to think i know better. and then i laugh because i know i dont. i enjoy myself. i get down on myself. i talk to myself. i pick myself back up. i remind myself how many thoughts, feelings, opportunities, performances, loves, talks, situations, lost moments, truths and falses there will be. and i remind myself to laugh at it all. to enjoy it all. to question it all. but only in all positive lights. because only we can allow ourself to an unpleasant place. keep it up. be up. because why not?! you are truly brilliant. you are truly lovely. you are truly inspiring, amazing and precious if you allow yourself to be. you are more wonderful than you give yourself credit for. so give yourself more credit than you feel you deserve. because i guarentee you will discover you are amazing. and brilliant. and the DEAL. go out there and get what you want. or what you think you want. fight for what you believe in. i believe in you.

"when you gonna love you as much as i do"

mother.

there is this woman i know. i have lived with her, grown with her... i have even lived inside of her. i am who i am today because of her. she has shown the most love i have seen capable of and she has proven herself the strongest being alive and she carries a wisdom i only dream of achieving. she is never caught un-caring. i think about her just about every other second of every day. she has taught me more than a lifetime of experience could~ and i have only lived a quarter of my life. sometimes i cry in the night, or the middle of the day, or even when i wake up because of the gratefulness i feel having known this woman. she is more important, more loving, more extraordinary and more special then she would ever give herself credit for. if i were in rhode island and she was driving across the country and was already to arizona she would turn around just to give me another kiss. or to drop off the book report i forgot at home. and that's not an exaggeration. she is the most brilliant women i know. i want to write her into all of the history books. i can't imagine a life without her and my only wish in this world is that i can carry on the love...the greatest love i could ever know, which is hers, on and in to this world as i grow. no one should experience a life without her. and i have so far been given a lifetime. i consider myself the luckiest human being alive. i love you more than you could ever try to understand. and if you ever did understand... its more than that. nothing i say or do could ever express my thankfulness. you are my favorite woman that has ever existed. you are brilliant. you are strong. you are hilarious. you are love. you are so special. you are beautiful. you are my mom. and i love you more than anything in this universe.