now.

we have to be proactive. you have to prove we are funnier than johnny. who's johnny? johnny a, johnny b, johnny c...yeah i know. what if we were watching ourselves right now, what would we think? we are always just another reality show, realizing itself just as fast as the other twenty two billion. we exist without most writing, except for the kind we can't help but hide under. and we want there to be prizes and fame at the end and so we miss what we can so easily catch (dream, wish, learn, love, be) along the way. all of a sudden we grow into our mid twenties and we can't seem to understand how we got here. do we choose to ignore some of our most uphill adventures, just to say now....this is just how i am, this is just who i am. but how did we stumble into this time. i recall to the past less and less now yet all i want to know is how i came to be here. in a constant disconnect she finds beauty and glory and love...but she isn't sure if this love will end up the way she's sure it should. she can't help but dream that she knows the good ending and the bad ending. we think we know whats right...and we do...but just not as often as we imagine. who are we fooling. love. love. love.

go go go now.

"i walked into your dream and now i've forgotten how to dream my own dream. black chariot for the redhead."


she arrives back at the check point. it seems like its been forever since they last spoke. even so, they still seem to remember their language. but something is different now. maybe that's always how it always is, but they can never be too sure. sometimes it seems like a forgotten memory and they only seem to recognize certain feelings and clues about where they stand at this visit. "i've been here before" she sings out. but once again she has no answers to the questions.

but she is so interested by the questions that she searches for answers and even thinks about trying to get away with pretend answers for her story just to come to some conclusion. but this time is different because she doesn't want the pretend story at this moment... she's searching for the real thing which seems to be locked up somewhere. and she can almost find it all the time- but questions its' truth. she thinks too much, and dreams more than that and with so many freeways and off-roads of thoughts, it becomes more difficult to sift out realities. (and it doesn't help that she believes in so many things). she wants so many things to be true but knows she has no control over most of them. she's waiting for something to jump out of all the false truths and surprise her by announcing itself real.

until then, she's still ok dreaming...


"maybe you'll leave the light on just in case i like the dancing. i can't remember where i go mother..."

and so it is....

feb. 07

"im gonna quit my job and move to new york. cause somebody told me thats where dreamers should go. im gonna quit my job and move to new york and tattoo my body with every broadway show"

i definitly saw the person who wrote that walk out of the theatre i was in on my 4th and last night in nyc.....


what is~ is. what will be~ will be. what was~ was.

so theres no reason to worry, or overthink or be lost or overwhelmed. but that mentality is also a journey. it doesnt just happen, at least for me it doesnt. its something i have worked and worked on. but i am proud to know in my heart it has gotten easier for me- probably because of experience, and definitly because of the amazing people that surround themselves around me day to day. and even those who cant surround themselves, find some way to do something equally as beautiful. but ya know, i talk a lot of the world, the universe, and what its all about. i learn more about it the more i experience what it can do and therefore it can always surprise me- and it does. the only thing i am sure of is this moment.

god~ there is so much i want to grasp in this beautiful world. and things that fall on such different levels. and i never know if i will grasp it all in the little time i have here... but moment to moment.....second to SECOND.... things are changing. and i am always changing too~ and STILL i dont think i can keep up. but im giving it my best shot. and im liking the challenge it gives me everyday. but sometimes its a lot-~ and i want to challenge it back. but the funny part is i cant. some things just ARE. well everything just is. but no matter how hard i challenge the world on some things~ it reminds me that i have no control. and i think it laughs at me a little, and thats ok. it knows better than i do. but sometimes i dont want to believe it. but the defenses have gone down in the past year or so.... maybe it is because i get it now.... i get that im not in charge, and that i dont know who is, but whoever it is, knows exactly what they are doing. and that everything will eventually just be ok.

and i call myself lucky. and i know this to be true. i am so passionate about things that i feel are right. and even when one of those things dont work out, or are just....funny (default emotion) it doesnt bring the other things down with it. i feel like there is something that resides inside of me or in my heart....or that someone that is running this show... knows. they put up a blocker that doesnt allow anything to effect other situations at hand that i am passionate about. i am still able to live fully and fight harder than ever for the other things i want in life...or for a place i want to be in in my life. and with all that seems to be actually happening right now, i am overwhelmed by life and what it~ is. and what it could be. or i guess what it WILL be, because whatever it will be~ will be. (oh my reccurring theme) but when you are in a position where you must make choices about the future, its....scary and.... funny (default 2). something will....be in 3 or 4 months....and i dont know what that is. but i am forced to make decisions in the NOW based upon what it COULD be.... which is just....AHHHHHH............ funny. (funny for real this time, no default emotion here)

so what was~ was. but that carried over into the now, and i am kinda being pulled in different directions about it. people come from different points of view right? and people see the world differently right? and to be an outsider looking in on another situation has a dis advantage right? but so does being IN a situation that doesnt really have a conclusion, or an answer~~ not that i believe everything SHOULD have an answer because i absolutely dont.... but when you are still trying to figure out a situation (oh jeez.... not that everything should be "figured out") but.... when you are living inside of a situation, listening to it, questioning it, feeding it, breathing it, understanding it... its hard to get outside opinions....ESPECIALLY when they are out of absolute PURE love. because you want to believe you know whats best, but when you are just the littlest in love with a situation, its sometimes hard to see what could be a reality, or what already is a reality, but you cant be made aware of it yet~ wow. and i hope i am right about what i see and my awareness of it.... but there is always a good chance i am wrong. but no one likes to see other people get hurt. i absolutely hate it....and hate is an extremely strong word... and so that statement reads loud to me.

im trying to give my head over to my heart~ but its stubborn sometimes. it wants to believe what it believes. and maybe that is the same as me and the universe....it just is what it is....and i want it to be what i want it to be~ which isnt what it IS. and i kinda have to laugh at how casual the word "is"... is... but how much power it actually posseses. and id like to believe no matter how casual and small i am in this amazing, enormaus and ever-changing universe.... i am powerful too. i am full of love thanks to my friends and family, and at times....strangers....who teach me this love and a love stronger that that... and i always want to use ANY power i feel i have for nothing but goodness, and give that goodness back to the universe... and i cant help but be confused by the people who have a lot of power and choose to not give it back as love and goodness.... but i guess we are who we are... i dont know. funny. (default 3)

moon

two twenty two oh seven

the moon smiled at me tonight. i mean... recently its been giving me small slivers of a smirk...but on the way home tonight, this 22nd night, it bloomed into its own big grin. and looked right at me.

and i think that could have been the universe smiling at me... reminding me everything is going to be ok. when things feel weird or bad in life you have to remember that "the universe is not trying to trick you- its trying to steer you in the right direction" and that has been quite the path.... i never thought that the right path could feel so strange. but i guess thats the point right? you dont really know, all the time, that you are on the right path until you get to the end of that specific road, and its that time when you turn around to take a last look at it.....and go....oh. wow. i traveled that path. and its gotten me here, and now that i can look back at it and understand it was the right path. and i think sometimes you are like DUH. right path. but other times its more of a...wow. i never would have picked that path as the right one, but look how i have grown from it, and look what i've learned from it. i can apply to my life now. how grateful i am for that.