i mean, they're just stairs.

as i wandered out of apartment for a tall soy chai at the starbucks around the corner in my pajamas and uggers, i realized i live in a neighborhood. some of the places on my block i go to multiple times a week. i see a lot of the same people. its a cool thing. i just had never taken the time to stop and really feel that until now. i dont drive there and i go through two doors and up 5 flights of stairs to get there...but its my home. now. the hallways right outside my door are blue. baby blue. people lived here a long time ago. i wont live here forever. my roommate will change 3 times. i will walk to work in the park this summer. central park. wait. thats nuts. i can WALK there. and a million other places. events that have truly effected my life for all different reasons and ways have happened in this neighborhood. at bars. food places. certain walking paths to get places. to the train. in the train. at a popular stop. on my corner. in our apt. in anyones apt. in class. in taxis. in entryways. fire escape. whatever. a lot has happened. thats the reality of it all. we can decide to see things any way we want at any given time. but sometimes its not what is right in front of you. but when you look back and see things just as they are, you realize how much you missed while you were busy fluffing it all up. time is a changin. time is a goin. pretty fast if you ask me. so i might as well start practicing cutting the fluffing routine. isnt it just getting in the way? we are love. we have been given so much. we have WORKED for so much. we have LOVED for so much. i have compassion, i feel compassion. i want to give so much. i want to do so much, be so much. and then you miss the train- by a long shot, or just as they announce "stand clear of the closing doors please ding dong"- you sometimes just gotta decide to take a taxi. hahaha just kidding. just remember another train is coming. and you can decide to watch the express trains in misery as they fly by your stop- or you can rejoice in your own way that one WILL be coming. and you will get on. and be on your way. but in the waiting time- dont sit and wait. read a book. listen to your ipod. iphone. ishuff, ilisten, ilove, ithinkyouregreat, hahaha ianything. smile at someone. write something. buy a water or skittles if there is a stand at your stop (50th st. 1 station). why a train analogy you may ask?
i have no idea.
in the meantime, dont forget who you are. who you have been. how many changes you will have in life. remember to always be grateful for what you have. and think good thoughts for people. believe that you really help by doing so. treat people the way you want to be treated unless they're a jerk, remember how people saw you in high school. other schools. other chapters of your life. i get mixed tapes from a boy from high school. that i still talk to! and share things with. like. thats crazy. so is the fact that i've been out of high school for six years. YIKES. but how much has happened since then. wow. we've been so many places. and will be so many places. but for now. im in my hood. with my soy chai. and this is the real thing. im alive. 5 flights up.

monopoly.

sometimes you have to fool yourself. you gotta tell yourself everything is ok when its not. and if you keep reminding yourself everyday- by the time it figures out the joke you are playing, things have made a turn for the better. funny how that works. they haven't turned yet, i'm still in the game... sometimes im sure i'm ahead and then i dont pass go. dont collect $200. damn it. but its really just breathing deep and trusting. my heart knows the game but plays anyway for amusement. maybe it does it out of kindness for me. for my spirit. maybe they are best friends. looking out for each other. thats what friends do anyway, right? its like those little white lies that are for good purpose. "hey dude, you're looking better" to a sick friend. "briley just wanted me to tell you how proud you make him" a text message from a father to a daughter who feels like she failed. briley is her dog. sometimes you gotta have a friday night with yourself. what am i doing? what am i loving? who am i loving? who is this person i am creating? whats worth while. whats not. and why do we hold on to the not. even when the not doesn't give you the time of day. we find nots all over the place. in events, in people, in winning and loosing. some of them are tricky. they dont let you go. so how do you let it go? do you go all old fashioned and just tie a string around your finger to remind you to do so? why are there so many questions? why are there even more answers...like the ratio of questions to answers is pretty stupid. there can be a million different answers for each question. so why is it so easy to ask a question but so hard to find answers. shouldn't they just be like falling from the sky at this point? hello? answers? no? none for you? enjoy. like, its crazy. maybe a lot of our questions are answers restated. or maybe we know answers deep down but we keep asking questions to recover them. "if you dont ask the right questions, every answer seems wrong." thats how ani difranco feels about the situation. maybe we are just always changing. evolving. growing. sprouting. i think i say that a lot in blogs, just in different ways. well i just repeat myself all the time in different ways. especially in the blogsters. sorry bout it. how can you want so much, want to do so much, know you can do so much and feel so unorganized about everything. and then you always ask what took you so long? what takes anyone so long? especially when there is so much importance in the world. so much to give. to do. to be. to love. to sing. so why does it take so long? and why does it all seem to happen so fast. one day you're on top of the world. and the next day the part goes to someone else. how much do we actually control? when we are working so hard all we want is time off. when we have time off all we want is something to do. we are crazy. and complex. and deep. and full of energy. and love. and thoughts. and emotions. why do we fight? why do we build walls? why do some things effect us so much deeper that the rest. i want to know so much. but i dont want to do research. im stubborn. and im tough. even though i look like a sweet 16 year old. i dont like pink. i do like flowers. a lot. and pictures. and music. woah music. i just wish to experience it all before i die. all of it. in my own way. i'll get unstuck. i'll become re-confident. but i will always gain the most from humbling moments. i hope we all will. and i'll find my way again, sometime and somehow. but until then, i'll smile cause it uses less muscles then it does to frown. and i'll keep playing the fool myself game. and i'll win. WITHOUT a get out of jail free card. suckers.

la familia

la familia
we are in a constant battle of being what we think we need to be. and with what we think we are. and with what we think we should be. or could be. or with what we are not. and what we were but arnt really anymore. and through all of the time with our thoughts... they support us more than we could ever get a grasp on. unconditional love. even when we dont believe it. or think about it. someone is always on our side. rooting for us. living through our ups and downs from across the country. wanting us to succeed more than we know. whenever we feel joyful, its possible that it comes from the people thinking good thoughts about us all the time. our family, some love, some dont. they are a part of us. they are my heart. they are a part of me that lives so strongly and beautifully and that i can never let go of. i owe it all to them. i could cry with gratefulness for them. they are the most beautiful spirit i know. and i always feel them with me. i want them always there. i get excited for things that go my way... but as soon as they appear, i think of my family. and how when i am happy i wish that for them. when i take off in a plane... i use the quick runway time to thank the universe for everything and ask to get me to point b safely. always immediately after that i ask for the health and happiness of my family. they will always be my heart. they will always be the first ones i call. i will always feel them with me. i will always be inspired by them. i will always long for them. i know its different for everyone. but until the day i die i will live for my family. the strength they have taught me. the goodness they have given me. the goodness they have taught me to live on forever. i only hope to spread their goodness in the world a little bit at a time. i am their number one fan. i would hug them 24 hours a day if i could. their love is the most special i have known. i cant even put a word to it. all i know for sure nowadays is a few things i learned from them. be kind. work hard. do what you love. love. just love. be grateful. and i am. i try. i do. all of these things. thank you. from the whole of my heart. this world means a lot to me. but means the world to me because of you. i wish i knew what to do to make you understand. you are my heart. you live fully with me everyday. im lost a lot of the time. but the thought of you always makes it ok. i talk a lot. i listen hard. i love hard. i work hard. im hard on myself. the world can be hard on me but i secretly dont mind. i know its always temporary. i try to understand. i’m often lost. and found. just to find myself...lost again. and im ok with that. so much LOVE always. why not? love hard. harder. hardest. i hope i make you as proud, everyday, as you make me. i wish you could understand my gratefulness. thank you. thank you. i love you.