"i get a little warm in my heart when i think of...."
so this blog is going to be about memories. ok well i dont aaaactually know what this blog is going to be about....it always kinda takes its own path as it gets written- but what i mean is that parts of it will stem from memories because it was a memory that got me to the blogger....um, and when this came to my attention, the whole memory thing, i thought of using "memory" from cats as my song as a joke. and then i realized it just wouldn't be funny at all. that was a lot of memory. youre welcome.
soooooooo as i was watching the water ripple and ripple and you guessed it....ripple into the bubbles of my bath tonight i got caught up in a song from the past...a blast if you will (from the past, get it?) no but for real (cause so far this blog has been all fake?) i was taken back and sat there listening....and thought about what my life is about right now. when i was first introduced to this song did i EVER think that in 5 years i would be working at disney world in ORLANDO with a freckled face weenie dog (ok im going to be honest im not shocked....shut up) surrounded by people i had no idea existed until 6 months ago and doing ok. there still is a void in my heart that belongs to the people that mean so much to me and cannot be here... but i guess how do you fix that? the people i love cant move around as much as i do. its a weird thing to get used to- the whole "one minute you are constantly surrounded by them to see you in 6 months" thing; and it still makes my eyes water when i think about their faces and their energy in my life, but as i grow and learn, which i am always doing, my spirit learns to sway without their physical presence. it sways because of their energy that lives in my heart. cue: eyes water... go.
no but really....i thought about where i was in my life then, and it was funny because i felt my core being remembering right along with me. i dont really know if "core being" is an actual term, but its just....you i guess. i think its who your mind talks to. maybe its just your heart (ha- ya know, JUST your heart). no, but its that thing that your mind talks to and says "hey dude... remember sitting in that room, listening to this song, with that person, thinking that thought...." and that thing responds with "yep, i do remember feeling opened up to the world, safe, happy, excited and right where i want to be." its amazing how they interpret memories and situations differently, but somehow always manage to communicate perfectly.
and you can skip into new stages of your life and see what you were learning...and not learning at that time. and the most important thing i have learned to do when looking back at yourself and your life and your decisions is to not judge them. dont judge yourself. you did what you did and what you could at the time. and the situation isnt different now that you can look back and see another option for yourself because for whatever reason that option didnt happen then and therefore wasnt available. and we all get stuck. and we get back up on our feet and we learn. and we dont sometimes. somehow, when you decide to randomly see your past in ripples in the water, you see a chapter that you can understand now. it makes sense. what was happening then comes full circle and it clicks. and im sure at somepoint i will see another chapter of my past in the clouds, or when i look at my dog, or in another song... and i will remember that chapter for a reason, and get it. and sometimes you have to work through the chapters... they didnt always seem to come at a right time... and i didnt always understand them and i wasnt anywhere close to "getting" them. but i eventually came around to it. and they still make my heart hurt a little.... and maybe the conclusion is that it wont ever fully go away. but i believe in so much more, and i dream and i dream and i know what ive been through and i want to believe i know where i want to go.... and all i can do is continue to sway from the love of my friends and my family that i miss so much, and try to dance like those darn ripples, and always continue to allow myself to grow....and always trust that thing that loves talking to my mind. somehow i get the feeling it knows what its saying.
"when you gonna make up your mind? cause things are gonna change so fast...."
