the good and the bad

i am completely blown away to discover how similar the actions are that happen with amazing news and with devastating news. but the feeling is totally the same and totally different at the same time.

so say im in the gap and my agent calls and tells me i got some amazing contract. we talk and talk and hang up the phone. i can barely contain myself and cant call mom and dad quickly enough. and as the phone rings i scream inside myself "please be there please be there please pick up ahhhhh pick up the phone!!!!!" and when dad isnt there i call mom's cell. and when mom isnt there i call dad's cell. my minds about to explode. and when they answer i cant tell them the news quick enough.

lets say i hear news of a death (god forbid). totally unexpected. i read it. and dont believe it. but when i call the person to see if they are alive it goes straight to voicemail. i can barely contain myself and cant call mom and dad quickly enough. and as the phone rings i scream inside myself "please be there please be there please pick up ahhhhh pick up the phone!!!!!" and when dad isnt there i call mom's cell. and when mom isnt there i call dad's cell. my minds about to explode. and when they answer i cant tell them the news quick enough.

one is pure joy and excitement. one is pure disbelief and complete sorrow. yet they both move me to make the same action. is that weird? maybe its unexpectedness of both that cause that. huh.

either way. shes alive. im alive. so alive. maybe even more alive than yesterday morning. and i guess thats the only way to live this life we've been given. i mean theres not even really time for guessing. just living.

pullin pullin pullin an all nighter.

its 3:33 and we are up. not sure why. but why not, i guess? i have a few things on my mind.

a. time: time creeps up on me every second. i loose her and when i finally find her again she has run so fast i feel like i am in a new life. a new chapter of life. a new section or scene. and i get confused and question how i got here. how did it happen. and there sometimes is an answer or explanation. but mostly its just me pausing for a few moments and recalling how the past whatever has slipped by. and in some odd, frustrating, okay way...i completely see how i got here. i just want an explanation. or i want to relive it because i dont remember actually living it. but it was what it was. and it was. and here i am. learn from forgetting and pay more attention. starting now. thats all i can do.

b. love. hahahahahahahahaha. thats what i have to say about that. it plays games with me and teases me and confuses me and fascinates me and lures me to figure out more. and every time i think i learned something new about her, she taps me on the shoulder and says "im over here!" and i turn around to nothing. only to hear her voice in the distance singing to me, "come find me, i am HERE!" she is like the fucking cat from alice in wonderland....she smiles, she frowns, she disappears, she re-appears in a different outfit. and everytime she is a challenge and a mystery. i dont know what to make of her. i want to figure her out and never feel like i can. i did once. and i hope i do again. make yourself known. i cant ask you to. you must show me. i dont know what else to say.

c. music~ there is nothing quite like this one. i am inspired and moved and changed every minute. the music...the words... the stories. they all sing to me and tell me to be a better person. they tell me stories of hope and courage and love and strength. they challenge me to be different in all good ways. what has been created blows me completely away. i am speechless. people are RIDICULOUS. i dont understand, when i hear what i do, how it could have come about. i only hope and dream i can create something just as inspiring for other beings. i have been passed down a creative love for the universe. i jump up and down waiting for the time i can feel i have really passed it on. this love from my family and my friends and from him. the one i talk to every night. he is real. love is real. we have so much to give each other. try throwing it on someone and wait for the reaction. i bet it will be grand. like the music that changes me second to second.

d. words. they make things so unsafe. gotta pee. to dream, to think, to ponder to wonder....it is all a safe haven if you allow it to be. but once put to words, to text, to SPEECH-- it becomes "something put out there" and therefore is no longer in your safe haven of thoughts and wishes and dreams. yet how do we make dreams a reality. we must cross the bridge from safe to vulnerable. wait just a hot second. that is HUGE bridge. and a completely un-sturdy one. but its the only way between the two. how does that work. i guess you can always take un-worded actions... and that is just wonderful. but for the most part- our speech- our communication- is what we need in order to have others understand and in order for something to become real. you can re-think and take back dreams or thoughts. once the text is out and understood by others...it no longer is a personal thing. and of course you can try it all out and just not care what people think. that is usually what happens to me when i non-verbally- but silently scream to the world when i get dressed and venture out into the world in the morning.... haha. my outfits. they are so fun. they are non-apologetic. maybe i should learn to live like i dress. if only it were that east. words. they make things unsafe. but they are also beautiful. and allow us communication, which is a whole other beast. it is incredible. one day i wont be scared by words. i know the day will come. it has come. and they are on vacation. im excited for the day they return. words.

e. people. i think this needs to be its own entire story. family is unbelievable. friends are constantly growing. but there are those who will always know you. and then there is the group of lovers. have been lovers. will be lovers. lovers that arnt yours. lovers you crush on. lovers you say im sorry to, and im glad we are friends. there are the current crushes that you want to run up to and just ask how they feel. do you like boys. do you like girls. do you like people. who are you? people are confusing and beautiful and different and amazingly inspiring and threatening and SCARY AS HELL....and wonderful and intriguing. people are people. all want something. some get it. some dont. i often cry for those who dont. i want to give it to them. I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. we are all alive. we are all fighting. and struggling. and working so hard. and praying. and hoping. and wishing. and believing. and giving up. and trying again. and changing oaths. and making choices. and thinking we know whats best.

i wish everyone finds something soon to be happy about. i wish everyone search for something. i wish everyone finds something- whether it is what they were looking for or not. i wish EVERYONE love. any kind of love. i hope for love. i hope to give love. what is a world without love. we are blessed, fortunate, lucky, grateful. never forget that. be grateful everyday. it is INCREDIBLE...what we have.

smile to a stranger today. please.
do something unexpected today. please.
surprise yourself today. promise.
let someone help you today. please.
be brave today. please.
give love today. an extra amount. please.

thank you. and, at 4:20 am. i bid you sweet dreams and peace. tonight and always.

decisions.

they are what they are i guess. there is no point in trying to fight with them, they will always win and loose at the same time. but so will you. re-think big decisions from the past and you will come up with a list of things, people, experiences you gained by not going one way and not the other. and if you would have gone the other way you would have a different list. but maybe the big things in life happen no matter what decision you make. what can you do but be as smart as you can about which way to go, gain and experience what your path has to offer and keep the faith. so. im going to be sad at what could have been for a hot second...then stay here. and keep the faith, always.

resolutions.

what if i was enough. what if this was all there is. and its incredible. what if i was always on the right path whether i knew it or not. what if i trusted myself enough to do anything i wanted. what if i was enough. what if i was to get really serious, work harder than i know how, love harder than that....and in the end still be able to laugh it off. honestly. what if i stopped saying dude all the time. nah. what if i was to tell myself that NOW is the time to do anything and everything i need to do before i fall asleep in order to wake up exactly (or close to) where i want to be. what if i was so lucky. and blessed. and fortunate. and oh so grateful. what if i convince myself i AM enough. and i always will be. cause under all the stuff i learned to do wrong, i am still there, dripping in goo, telling my heart the right thing to do. what if i rhymed. what if i was to remind myself every day of the good stuff i got. right here. right now. what if i was enough. what if i was incredibly patient (whew), but working really hard in the meantime. what if i made a promise to the girl in goo to do whatever it is she needs to do to get through. what if i rhymed twice. three times. what if i actually (gasp) didn't know better. what if the time was now. what if its on its way. surprises and i have a love hate relationship. what if i embrace the love part. what if i was enough. thats it. i am enough. its time to be great in two oh oh eight. (four times).

thankful grateful love.

oh my goodness. how is this happening? how am i being here right now. i am in my own movie that i have seen over a million times. i am here. i am happy. i am full of love and can't wait to give most of it away. i am so fortunate that all i can think to do is cry and cry and then laugh from crying. you are such a small speck in this infinate universe yet you want to change everyone for good. i cant help but contribute just about all of it to this unbelievable love from the family. and the friends who have become the family. and the people...the person that will become part of the family. for where i've been. for where i am. for what i will be, try to be, fail at being. for who i love. for who i will love. for situations. for emotionally giving. for sadness. for people. for animals. for weenie dogs. for the sky and the clouds that constantly shift and say. for all that has inspired me. for inspiration in its most undefinable way. for the west village. for love. for love. for love. for trying to understand. for trying to be. for being. for asking you to join me. here we are. we grew up and living the lives we want to live. well we should be....when else will it be but now. just BE. just GO. just DO and LOVE it all because we dont know where we are going. and if there are things and people and who or whatever that you love now why not fight for them. and fight hard because who knows. anything. i know that at this moment i cant even begin to express how grateful i am for what life has been so far. its been amazing. i am so excited for this. i want to know more. but know i cant know more now. and i love being okay with that. and also not being ok with that at all. what can you do. i wish every one of the billion trillion beings and souls there are that exist...i wish SOMETHING wonderful to them. everyone is deserving of this. i just wish it upon everyone so much. whoever wished this before me should know its reached me. and im working through it and loving it and hating it. through all the shit and all the love and amazingness i have been so fortunate and wish i could begin to express how thankful and lucky and loved and grateful i have felt.

and through the woods....

sometimes we need to run away. its often not looked upon as facing reality which makes it not ok. but i really believe that we need to sometimes run away in order to become completely lost only to search out our reality. you have to leave to come back home. or wherever you want to be. and sometimes you dont know where you want to be. only a better reason to become lost. i guess what is important is to not run away for too long. because once you are lost too long- it can become a much harder task to try and be found. so maybe you dont want to be found? well- where are you then. where do you exist? there is too much of this beautiful world to want to hide from it forever. so just hide for a little while. and know you will be ok. if things arnt ok... then its not the end. and when you want it to be the end and it isnt- well then its just not the end of your journey yet. only the most difficult. so imagine you are living through the hardest time- and you are living. it only has to get better. so live. and live. and love, always.

the way.

this is my space. not myspace like the billion dollar organization that frankly i love to play in. but MY space. my place. my den. my living room. my bed. my place. i can dance here. i can sing here. i can say EFF YOU here. :) i can cry here and laugh and fall over and skip and jump as high as i want and i am still safe. my words come from my heart-most of the time-and i put them out in the universe with hopes of making myself and other people...not better...of course that would be splendid (ha, what a funny, fancy word) but different. or just something.

i have been getting engrossed in the past...so far into the past that it moves me to tears and i bring myself back. why do we cry when we are SO hurt...and when we are SO loved....and when we are SO frustrated...and when we are SO sad...and when we are SO happy. what do our tears mean? are we so overcome with emotion that it must liquify itself and come to the surface because there is no more room for it? tears have always been a proven symbol of sadness. but what about when you cry uncontrollably for gratefulness? what then? why isnt that so common? count your blessings...until you have no more to count, and try to not cry. i'm telling you it's rough. good luck to you. BUT i dont mean this like you are a bad person if you dont cry....i speak...well type... from what i know, or try to understand about myself. i cant hold the tears back. and thats not to say that if someone is JUST as amazingly grateful or MORE than i am, but doesnt cry they arnt grateful. comon. duh. but i wasnt clear. you are beautiful.

wow. green tea parties. not knowing so much. obscure musicals. exploring. loving. taking risks. believing in the ghosts in the tunnels under the school from the 60s. singing in the common room. wanting too badly to be liked and accepted in the department. being frustrated at not knowing as much as other people. wanting to be so smart. wanting respect. being the cute one. challenges. workshops. champagne. growing. failing. loving. not knowing ANY better. and so much more.

i want to be on broadway. as cliche and funny and STUPID as it sounds. thats what i want. i am willing to fight as HARD and LONG as may be. but please, universe....make it as soon as you possibly can. give me strength, talent, love, patience, skill, work ethics and anything else you think i may need. i am willing to take it ALL on. and go further than you have ever seen. just let me be. love. love. so much love. all i need is love. all i want is love. all i want to give and show and tell the story of is... love. please.

season three

"no i will never be a saint...but i will always say- squint your eyes and look closer"

almost everyday it seems i've forgotten
how much time has actually passed by.
the seasons keep me updated. as i
walked home tonight i thought to myself,
"its freezing!"
and as the words created themselves
in my head, more words also overlapped
while creating themselves at the same time,
"wasn't it just summer?"

can i really be entering my third season living in this new city i can foresee being my home (as the word keeps redefining itself) for a fair and good amount of time. i've seen three of my most favorite and inspiring artists since i've been here. i've lived in three places since i moved here. i even did a three day concert. weird. why. i've been examining my past, laughing at the now and hoping for the future. and its all good. i'm also currently making a leap in my understanding of happiness- or what does, will, and can make me quote on quote happy. lots of things do. i KNOW what i want right now. its at my fingertips. but what i know that i want takes up only one space of my being AND there is so much out there. so much, that as i write this, the universe must be laughing at me as it thinks i think i know better. i get it. i dont. so sue me. hurry.

but within my reach and not within my reach there is so much i will experience and i have no idea about it yet. i imagine what it will be but there is NO WAY for me or anyone to know. i dont know better. none of us do. so as i sit here and eat these stupid christmas m and m's (which was a terrible idea to purchase) and dream about this thing i want...i also am learning that THAT alone doesn't give all the happiness in the world, or won't. i still want it and am doing EVERYTHING in my will, in my power (and i can use my power), in my heart, in everything i know how to do and use and love and be....im going for it. and i will fight to end. no. matter. what. and if you try to stop me i'll kick you in the face. ha. no i wont really. but don't try. please.

but heres the lesson. there are all these other things i can explore and do instead of just waiting around for the above. i can dive into so much more and out of the blue have that thing jump out in front and do a little tap number for me as it exclaims it is here! and life will not have had stopped in the meantime. it will not then be allowed to begin again. it will have been going in all kinds of directions, doing new things as it continues the dreaming....but instead of being asleep, she will be waving at the sights along the way, singing, laughing, working, growing, knowing, and picking herself up just about every five minutes because she knows how clumsy she is. and she knows she gets herself in trouble. and thats ok. as long as doesnt drift too far away. she can always come back to that redefining home. and she is more grateful than she could ever say for that.