the good and the bad

i am completely blown away to discover how similar the actions are that happen with amazing news and with devastating news. but the feeling is totally the same and totally different at the same time.

so say im in the gap and my agent calls and tells me i got some amazing contract. we talk and talk and hang up the phone. i can barely contain myself and cant call mom and dad quickly enough. and as the phone rings i scream inside myself "please be there please be there please pick up ahhhhh pick up the phone!!!!!" and when dad isnt there i call mom's cell. and when mom isnt there i call dad's cell. my minds about to explode. and when they answer i cant tell them the news quick enough.

lets say i hear news of a death (god forbid). totally unexpected. i read it. and dont believe it. but when i call the person to see if they are alive it goes straight to voicemail. i can barely contain myself and cant call mom and dad quickly enough. and as the phone rings i scream inside myself "please be there please be there please pick up ahhhhh pick up the phone!!!!!" and when dad isnt there i call mom's cell. and when mom isnt there i call dad's cell. my minds about to explode. and when they answer i cant tell them the news quick enough.

one is pure joy and excitement. one is pure disbelief and complete sorrow. yet they both move me to make the same action. is that weird? maybe its unexpectedness of both that cause that. huh.

either way. shes alive. im alive. so alive. maybe even more alive than yesterday morning. and i guess thats the only way to live this life we've been given. i mean theres not even really time for guessing. just living.

pullin pullin pullin an all nighter.

its 3:33 and we are up. not sure why. but why not, i guess? i have a few things on my mind.

a. time: time creeps up on me every second. i loose her and when i finally find her again she has run so fast i feel like i am in a new life. a new chapter of life. a new section or scene. and i get confused and question how i got here. how did it happen. and there sometimes is an answer or explanation. but mostly its just me pausing for a few moments and recalling how the past whatever has slipped by. and in some odd, frustrating, okay way...i completely see how i got here. i just want an explanation. or i want to relive it because i dont remember actually living it. but it was what it was. and it was. and here i am. learn from forgetting and pay more attention. starting now. thats all i can do.

b. love. hahahahahahahahaha. thats what i have to say about that. it plays games with me and teases me and confuses me and fascinates me and lures me to figure out more. and every time i think i learned something new about her, she taps me on the shoulder and says "im over here!" and i turn around to nothing. only to hear her voice in the distance singing to me, "come find me, i am HERE!" she is like the fucking cat from alice in wonderland....she smiles, she frowns, she disappears, she re-appears in a different outfit. and everytime she is a challenge and a mystery. i dont know what to make of her. i want to figure her out and never feel like i can. i did once. and i hope i do again. make yourself known. i cant ask you to. you must show me. i dont know what else to say.

c. music~ there is nothing quite like this one. i am inspired and moved and changed every minute. the music...the words... the stories. they all sing to me and tell me to be a better person. they tell me stories of hope and courage and love and strength. they challenge me to be different in all good ways. what has been created blows me completely away. i am speechless. people are RIDICULOUS. i dont understand, when i hear what i do, how it could have come about. i only hope and dream i can create something just as inspiring for other beings. i have been passed down a creative love for the universe. i jump up and down waiting for the time i can feel i have really passed it on. this love from my family and my friends and from him. the one i talk to every night. he is real. love is real. we have so much to give each other. try throwing it on someone and wait for the reaction. i bet it will be grand. like the music that changes me second to second.

d. words. they make things so unsafe. gotta pee. to dream, to think, to ponder to wonder....it is all a safe haven if you allow it to be. but once put to words, to text, to SPEECH-- it becomes "something put out there" and therefore is no longer in your safe haven of thoughts and wishes and dreams. yet how do we make dreams a reality. we must cross the bridge from safe to vulnerable. wait just a hot second. that is HUGE bridge. and a completely un-sturdy one. but its the only way between the two. how does that work. i guess you can always take un-worded actions... and that is just wonderful. but for the most part- our speech- our communication- is what we need in order to have others understand and in order for something to become real. you can re-think and take back dreams or thoughts. once the text is out and understood by others...it no longer is a personal thing. and of course you can try it all out and just not care what people think. that is usually what happens to me when i non-verbally- but silently scream to the world when i get dressed and venture out into the world in the morning.... haha. my outfits. they are so fun. they are non-apologetic. maybe i should learn to live like i dress. if only it were that east. words. they make things unsafe. but they are also beautiful. and allow us communication, which is a whole other beast. it is incredible. one day i wont be scared by words. i know the day will come. it has come. and they are on vacation. im excited for the day they return. words.

e. people. i think this needs to be its own entire story. family is unbelievable. friends are constantly growing. but there are those who will always know you. and then there is the group of lovers. have been lovers. will be lovers. lovers that arnt yours. lovers you crush on. lovers you say im sorry to, and im glad we are friends. there are the current crushes that you want to run up to and just ask how they feel. do you like boys. do you like girls. do you like people. who are you? people are confusing and beautiful and different and amazingly inspiring and threatening and SCARY AS HELL....and wonderful and intriguing. people are people. all want something. some get it. some dont. i often cry for those who dont. i want to give it to them. I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. we are all alive. we are all fighting. and struggling. and working so hard. and praying. and hoping. and wishing. and believing. and giving up. and trying again. and changing oaths. and making choices. and thinking we know whats best.

i wish everyone finds something soon to be happy about. i wish everyone search for something. i wish everyone finds something- whether it is what they were looking for or not. i wish EVERYONE love. any kind of love. i hope for love. i hope to give love. what is a world without love. we are blessed, fortunate, lucky, grateful. never forget that. be grateful everyday. it is INCREDIBLE...what we have.

smile to a stranger today. please.
do something unexpected today. please.
surprise yourself today. promise.
let someone help you today. please.
be brave today. please.
give love today. an extra amount. please.

thank you. and, at 4:20 am. i bid you sweet dreams and peace. tonight and always.

decisions.

they are what they are i guess. there is no point in trying to fight with them, they will always win and loose at the same time. but so will you. re-think big decisions from the past and you will come up with a list of things, people, experiences you gained by not going one way and not the other. and if you would have gone the other way you would have a different list. but maybe the big things in life happen no matter what decision you make. what can you do but be as smart as you can about which way to go, gain and experience what your path has to offer and keep the faith. so. im going to be sad at what could have been for a hot second...then stay here. and keep the faith, always.

resolutions.

what if i was enough. what if this was all there is. and its incredible. what if i was always on the right path whether i knew it or not. what if i trusted myself enough to do anything i wanted. what if i was enough. what if i was to get really serious, work harder than i know how, love harder than that....and in the end still be able to laugh it off. honestly. what if i stopped saying dude all the time. nah. what if i was to tell myself that NOW is the time to do anything and everything i need to do before i fall asleep in order to wake up exactly (or close to) where i want to be. what if i was so lucky. and blessed. and fortunate. and oh so grateful. what if i convince myself i AM enough. and i always will be. cause under all the stuff i learned to do wrong, i am still there, dripping in goo, telling my heart the right thing to do. what if i rhymed. what if i was to remind myself every day of the good stuff i got. right here. right now. what if i was enough. what if i was incredibly patient (whew), but working really hard in the meantime. what if i made a promise to the girl in goo to do whatever it is she needs to do to get through. what if i rhymed twice. three times. what if i actually (gasp) didn't know better. what if the time was now. what if its on its way. surprises and i have a love hate relationship. what if i embrace the love part. what if i was enough. thats it. i am enough. its time to be great in two oh oh eight. (four times).

thankful grateful love.

oh my goodness. how is this happening? how am i being here right now. i am in my own movie that i have seen over a million times. i am here. i am happy. i am full of love and can't wait to give most of it away. i am so fortunate that all i can think to do is cry and cry and then laugh from crying. you are such a small speck in this infinate universe yet you want to change everyone for good. i cant help but contribute just about all of it to this unbelievable love from the family. and the friends who have become the family. and the people...the person that will become part of the family. for where i've been. for where i am. for what i will be, try to be, fail at being. for who i love. for who i will love. for situations. for emotionally giving. for sadness. for people. for animals. for weenie dogs. for the sky and the clouds that constantly shift and say. for all that has inspired me. for inspiration in its most undefinable way. for the west village. for love. for love. for love. for trying to understand. for trying to be. for being. for asking you to join me. here we are. we grew up and living the lives we want to live. well we should be....when else will it be but now. just BE. just GO. just DO and LOVE it all because we dont know where we are going. and if there are things and people and who or whatever that you love now why not fight for them. and fight hard because who knows. anything. i know that at this moment i cant even begin to express how grateful i am for what life has been so far. its been amazing. i am so excited for this. i want to know more. but know i cant know more now. and i love being okay with that. and also not being ok with that at all. what can you do. i wish every one of the billion trillion beings and souls there are that exist...i wish SOMETHING wonderful to them. everyone is deserving of this. i just wish it upon everyone so much. whoever wished this before me should know its reached me. and im working through it and loving it and hating it. through all the shit and all the love and amazingness i have been so fortunate and wish i could begin to express how thankful and lucky and loved and grateful i have felt.

and through the woods....

sometimes we need to run away. its often not looked upon as facing reality which makes it not ok. but i really believe that we need to sometimes run away in order to become completely lost only to search out our reality. you have to leave to come back home. or wherever you want to be. and sometimes you dont know where you want to be. only a better reason to become lost. i guess what is important is to not run away for too long. because once you are lost too long- it can become a much harder task to try and be found. so maybe you dont want to be found? well- where are you then. where do you exist? there is too much of this beautiful world to want to hide from it forever. so just hide for a little while. and know you will be ok. if things arnt ok... then its not the end. and when you want it to be the end and it isnt- well then its just not the end of your journey yet. only the most difficult. so imagine you are living through the hardest time- and you are living. it only has to get better. so live. and live. and love, always.

the way.

this is my space. not myspace like the billion dollar organization that frankly i love to play in. but MY space. my place. my den. my living room. my bed. my place. i can dance here. i can sing here. i can say EFF YOU here. :) i can cry here and laugh and fall over and skip and jump as high as i want and i am still safe. my words come from my heart-most of the time-and i put them out in the universe with hopes of making myself and other people...not better...of course that would be splendid (ha, what a funny, fancy word) but different. or just something.

i have been getting engrossed in the past...so far into the past that it moves me to tears and i bring myself back. why do we cry when we are SO hurt...and when we are SO loved....and when we are SO frustrated...and when we are SO sad...and when we are SO happy. what do our tears mean? are we so overcome with emotion that it must liquify itself and come to the surface because there is no more room for it? tears have always been a proven symbol of sadness. but what about when you cry uncontrollably for gratefulness? what then? why isnt that so common? count your blessings...until you have no more to count, and try to not cry. i'm telling you it's rough. good luck to you. BUT i dont mean this like you are a bad person if you dont cry....i speak...well type... from what i know, or try to understand about myself. i cant hold the tears back. and thats not to say that if someone is JUST as amazingly grateful or MORE than i am, but doesnt cry they arnt grateful. comon. duh. but i wasnt clear. you are beautiful.

wow. green tea parties. not knowing so much. obscure musicals. exploring. loving. taking risks. believing in the ghosts in the tunnels under the school from the 60s. singing in the common room. wanting too badly to be liked and accepted in the department. being frustrated at not knowing as much as other people. wanting to be so smart. wanting respect. being the cute one. challenges. workshops. champagne. growing. failing. loving. not knowing ANY better. and so much more.

i want to be on broadway. as cliche and funny and STUPID as it sounds. thats what i want. i am willing to fight as HARD and LONG as may be. but please, universe....make it as soon as you possibly can. give me strength, talent, love, patience, skill, work ethics and anything else you think i may need. i am willing to take it ALL on. and go further than you have ever seen. just let me be. love. love. so much love. all i need is love. all i want is love. all i want to give and show and tell the story of is... love. please.

season three

"no i will never be a saint...but i will always say- squint your eyes and look closer"

almost everyday it seems i've forgotten
how much time has actually passed by.
the seasons keep me updated. as i
walked home tonight i thought to myself,
"its freezing!"
and as the words created themselves
in my head, more words also overlapped
while creating themselves at the same time,
"wasn't it just summer?"

can i really be entering my third season living in this new city i can foresee being my home (as the word keeps redefining itself) for a fair and good amount of time. i've seen three of my most favorite and inspiring artists since i've been here. i've lived in three places since i moved here. i even did a three day concert. weird. why. i've been examining my past, laughing at the now and hoping for the future. and its all good. i'm also currently making a leap in my understanding of happiness- or what does, will, and can make me quote on quote happy. lots of things do. i KNOW what i want right now. its at my fingertips. but what i know that i want takes up only one space of my being AND there is so much out there. so much, that as i write this, the universe must be laughing at me as it thinks i think i know better. i get it. i dont. so sue me. hurry.

but within my reach and not within my reach there is so much i will experience and i have no idea about it yet. i imagine what it will be but there is NO WAY for me or anyone to know. i dont know better. none of us do. so as i sit here and eat these stupid christmas m and m's (which was a terrible idea to purchase) and dream about this thing i want...i also am learning that THAT alone doesn't give all the happiness in the world, or won't. i still want it and am doing EVERYTHING in my will, in my power (and i can use my power), in my heart, in everything i know how to do and use and love and be....im going for it. and i will fight to end. no. matter. what. and if you try to stop me i'll kick you in the face. ha. no i wont really. but don't try. please.

but heres the lesson. there are all these other things i can explore and do instead of just waiting around for the above. i can dive into so much more and out of the blue have that thing jump out in front and do a little tap number for me as it exclaims it is here! and life will not have had stopped in the meantime. it will not then be allowed to begin again. it will have been going in all kinds of directions, doing new things as it continues the dreaming....but instead of being asleep, she will be waving at the sights along the way, singing, laughing, working, growing, knowing, and picking herself up just about every five minutes because she knows how clumsy she is. and she knows she gets herself in trouble. and thats ok. as long as doesnt drift too far away. she can always come back to that redefining home. and she is more grateful than she could ever say for that.

now.

we have to be proactive. you have to prove we are funnier than johnny. who's johnny? johnny a, johnny b, johnny c...yeah i know. what if we were watching ourselves right now, what would we think? we are always just another reality show, realizing itself just as fast as the other twenty two billion. we exist without most writing, except for the kind we can't help but hide under. and we want there to be prizes and fame at the end and so we miss what we can so easily catch (dream, wish, learn, love, be) along the way. all of a sudden we grow into our mid twenties and we can't seem to understand how we got here. do we choose to ignore some of our most uphill adventures, just to say now....this is just how i am, this is just who i am. but how did we stumble into this time. i recall to the past less and less now yet all i want to know is how i came to be here. in a constant disconnect she finds beauty and glory and love...but she isn't sure if this love will end up the way she's sure it should. she can't help but dream that she knows the good ending and the bad ending. we think we know whats right...and we do...but just not as often as we imagine. who are we fooling. love. love. love.

go go go now.

"i walked into your dream and now i've forgotten how to dream my own dream. black chariot for the redhead."


she arrives back at the check point. it seems like its been forever since they last spoke. even so, they still seem to remember their language. but something is different now. maybe that's always how it always is, but they can never be too sure. sometimes it seems like a forgotten memory and they only seem to recognize certain feelings and clues about where they stand at this visit. "i've been here before" she sings out. but once again she has no answers to the questions.

but she is so interested by the questions that she searches for answers and even thinks about trying to get away with pretend answers for her story just to come to some conclusion. but this time is different because she doesn't want the pretend story at this moment... she's searching for the real thing which seems to be locked up somewhere. and she can almost find it all the time- but questions its' truth. she thinks too much, and dreams more than that and with so many freeways and off-roads of thoughts, it becomes more difficult to sift out realities. (and it doesn't help that she believes in so many things). she wants so many things to be true but knows she has no control over most of them. she's waiting for something to jump out of all the false truths and surprise her by announcing itself real.

until then, she's still ok dreaming...


"maybe you'll leave the light on just in case i like the dancing. i can't remember where i go mother..."

and so it is....

feb. 07

"im gonna quit my job and move to new york. cause somebody told me thats where dreamers should go. im gonna quit my job and move to new york and tattoo my body with every broadway show"

i definitly saw the person who wrote that walk out of the theatre i was in on my 4th and last night in nyc.....


what is~ is. what will be~ will be. what was~ was.

so theres no reason to worry, or overthink or be lost or overwhelmed. but that mentality is also a journey. it doesnt just happen, at least for me it doesnt. its something i have worked and worked on. but i am proud to know in my heart it has gotten easier for me- probably because of experience, and definitly because of the amazing people that surround themselves around me day to day. and even those who cant surround themselves, find some way to do something equally as beautiful. but ya know, i talk a lot of the world, the universe, and what its all about. i learn more about it the more i experience what it can do and therefore it can always surprise me- and it does. the only thing i am sure of is this moment.

god~ there is so much i want to grasp in this beautiful world. and things that fall on such different levels. and i never know if i will grasp it all in the little time i have here... but moment to moment.....second to SECOND.... things are changing. and i am always changing too~ and STILL i dont think i can keep up. but im giving it my best shot. and im liking the challenge it gives me everyday. but sometimes its a lot-~ and i want to challenge it back. but the funny part is i cant. some things just ARE. well everything just is. but no matter how hard i challenge the world on some things~ it reminds me that i have no control. and i think it laughs at me a little, and thats ok. it knows better than i do. but sometimes i dont want to believe it. but the defenses have gone down in the past year or so.... maybe it is because i get it now.... i get that im not in charge, and that i dont know who is, but whoever it is, knows exactly what they are doing. and that everything will eventually just be ok.

and i call myself lucky. and i know this to be true. i am so passionate about things that i feel are right. and even when one of those things dont work out, or are just....funny (default emotion) it doesnt bring the other things down with it. i feel like there is something that resides inside of me or in my heart....or that someone that is running this show... knows. they put up a blocker that doesnt allow anything to effect other situations at hand that i am passionate about. i am still able to live fully and fight harder than ever for the other things i want in life...or for a place i want to be in in my life. and with all that seems to be actually happening right now, i am overwhelmed by life and what it~ is. and what it could be. or i guess what it WILL be, because whatever it will be~ will be. (oh my reccurring theme) but when you are in a position where you must make choices about the future, its....scary and.... funny (default 2). something will....be in 3 or 4 months....and i dont know what that is. but i am forced to make decisions in the NOW based upon what it COULD be.... which is just....AHHHHHH............ funny. (funny for real this time, no default emotion here)

so what was~ was. but that carried over into the now, and i am kinda being pulled in different directions about it. people come from different points of view right? and people see the world differently right? and to be an outsider looking in on another situation has a dis advantage right? but so does being IN a situation that doesnt really have a conclusion, or an answer~~ not that i believe everything SHOULD have an answer because i absolutely dont.... but when you are still trying to figure out a situation (oh jeez.... not that everything should be "figured out") but.... when you are living inside of a situation, listening to it, questioning it, feeding it, breathing it, understanding it... its hard to get outside opinions....ESPECIALLY when they are out of absolute PURE love. because you want to believe you know whats best, but when you are just the littlest in love with a situation, its sometimes hard to see what could be a reality, or what already is a reality, but you cant be made aware of it yet~ wow. and i hope i am right about what i see and my awareness of it.... but there is always a good chance i am wrong. but no one likes to see other people get hurt. i absolutely hate it....and hate is an extremely strong word... and so that statement reads loud to me.

im trying to give my head over to my heart~ but its stubborn sometimes. it wants to believe what it believes. and maybe that is the same as me and the universe....it just is what it is....and i want it to be what i want it to be~ which isnt what it IS. and i kinda have to laugh at how casual the word "is"... is... but how much power it actually posseses. and id like to believe no matter how casual and small i am in this amazing, enormaus and ever-changing universe.... i am powerful too. i am full of love thanks to my friends and family, and at times....strangers....who teach me this love and a love stronger that that... and i always want to use ANY power i feel i have for nothing but goodness, and give that goodness back to the universe... and i cant help but be confused by the people who have a lot of power and choose to not give it back as love and goodness.... but i guess we are who we are... i dont know. funny. (default 3)

moon

two twenty two oh seven

the moon smiled at me tonight. i mean... recently its been giving me small slivers of a smirk...but on the way home tonight, this 22nd night, it bloomed into its own big grin. and looked right at me.

and i think that could have been the universe smiling at me... reminding me everything is going to be ok. when things feel weird or bad in life you have to remember that "the universe is not trying to trick you- its trying to steer you in the right direction" and that has been quite the path.... i never thought that the right path could feel so strange. but i guess thats the point right? you dont really know, all the time, that you are on the right path until you get to the end of that specific road, and its that time when you turn around to take a last look at it.....and go....oh. wow. i traveled that path. and its gotten me here, and now that i can look back at it and understand it was the right path. and i think sometimes you are like DUH. right path. but other times its more of a...wow. i never would have picked that path as the right one, but look how i have grown from it, and look what i've learned from it. i can apply to my life now. how grateful i am for that.

oh my fall.

"sights and sounds pull me back down another year. i was here..."

the days have been beautiful. love getting up in the morning, pulling up the blinds, opening my window to greet another new pigeon on the firescape. and feeling what the air is like this day. i like e-mail a lot right now. why? no idea...so many opportunites could come over some satellite from whoever at any moment. weird. but kinda fun. i am liking the 'what-ifs' but not in any kind of terrible or frustrated way. just in a light hearted laughable way... ahhhh there are so many of them! what-if ANYTHING. nothing ever really makes sense until it does. the hard part is breathing until then. my breathing hasn't been incredibly deep lately, but im not finding anything too wrong with it. i know, yoga, there is just a lot going on. i think i actually like walking up to our 5th floor apt everyday. thats weird. seeing tori amos two nights in a row was pretty much out of control. why the random funny thoughts. i think it's fall. i love fall. it's beautiful. especially this one. so is life. and all the amazing people i have come across thus far. just love and thanks forever and forever and forever and forever...


"...and we make it up as we go along...and as we are looking back then we'll understand we held gold dust in our hands..."

part one

and i am humbled i feel small and plain he loves with rhythm and paints with flame he comes in pieces with no name.

Why do we make ourselves so impatient. We drive ourselves nuts over something that doesn't even belong to us a little bit. And the more distance there is the more questions appear....and thoughts fight eachother and pound at your skull yelling "let us out" but you don't respond because you can't even make out what they are trying to say. So the thoughts jump into the rest of your body and drive you nuts with feelings of endless anxiousness as they bounce from side to side, jump up and down and continue with their chanting. And then there's the other thing that is dancing in your heart that you don't want to calm down
because its what keeps tricking you to believe everything is going to work out- because why would they dance so freely and joyfully if they knew things wouldn't be ok. And you have to trust that your dancing heart knows much, much more than those pitiful chanting thoughts flailing around pretending they know better. But I can't take sides because I can't make a decision to save my life. And I just don't know better. For someone who can trust her instincts stronger than she can say what she wants in life....she's pretty stuck on this.

part two

the future is no place to place your better days.
You are great. And great seems pretty ordinary, but here, great is used as anything but. And can't help but wonder how much you know and what you do with what you know. Do you recycle? And if you do, do you separate the paper from the plastic from the aluminum from the garbage from the thoughts from the feelings from the friends from the lovers from what's left. Was that too much to ask too soon? Oh my gosh you don't even know what you don't even know! Ha. What would you say to it? Or not say. Just get out of the apt for a day and tell her what to do with these chanting thoughts and this jumping heart because they are getting louder and jumping higher and bouncing faster everyday. And secretly its pretty fun, but patience keeps guiding her to the finish line. And she's mad that the express train doesn't stop at every station. And she's glad it stops at the good ones. But she wants to change things up and doesn't know what's happening with you. She told me yesterday that she was scared it wouldn't be the right time. I smiled and told her to go read a book or listen to her ipod. we all know that time laughs at us everyday and always has the last word. She and Time are both stubborn and she knows she will never slip the last word in so she doesn't even think to try and challange him. Instead she fights her own battles with herself. She challanges herself to grow and learn and love and run and jump and trust that the net will show up somewhere during the downfall. And she knows that even if the net flakes on their stupid 8 o'clock movie plans, there is always a "worst that can happen" situation...and no matter what that is, she can get herself through it because she's a lot stronger than she tells herself. And as humble as she reminds herself to always be, she knows that in the end, everything will be ok, because if its not "its not the end." Ha! And that's pretty great. Great in the most uncommon way possible. She also recycles, sometimes separating everything, and she definitly thinks you're amazingly and un-ordinarily great.

twelve days.

i'll miss beer, minus the bear, briley and the sun on the porch. i'll miss tank tops in january. i'll miss looking out the window from my bed. i'll miss being bold or going home. i'll miss the forest. i'll miss video chat from 5 buildings away. i'll miss uncomfortable benches. i'll miss the lessons. i'll miss the horrible carpet. i'll miss first watch. i'll miss brendas porch that i've yet to sleep on. i'll miss my bed. i'll miss sex and city anytime i want. i'll miss running late to animal kingdom. i'll miss drive on. i'll miss being stressed about not being the best i can be. i'll miss missing you. i'll miss random rainstorms in 95 degree weather. i'll miss rude but funny leasing office ladies. i'll miss the shitzu downstairs. i'll miss marshas notes, kinda. i'll miss the powerade. i'll miss my 10 dollar patio chairs. i'll miss paws in the park. i'll miss berts lessons. i'll miss kitties. i'll miss lisa's baking. i'll miss super target runs. i'll miss ds challenges. i'll miss sushi and sake. i'll miss opening night parties with drunk writers. i'll miss the laughs. i'll miss the show downs. i'll miss spending time with myself at home. i'll miss laughing with frank onstage. i'll miss asking why it was below 70 degrees. i'll miss ice cream, ..., top model and american idol nights. i'll miss the feeling of taking off my costume after my shows. i'll miss working harder than i ever have before. i'll miss leaving the radio on for briley. i'll miss eating cereal for more meals than i can count. i'll miss walking to franks. i'll miss bahama breeze. i'll miss the fanciness. i'll miss kiwi, ruby, snickers, romeo, bailey and keiko. i'll miss thanksgiving with the goldsteins. i'll miss downtown disney's virgin megastore. i'll miss opening night parties. i'll miss opening night after parties more. i'll miss the green room. i'll miss secret santa. i'll miss the millenia mall. i'll miss bicycle rides into work. i'll miss the safari ride. i'll miss everest. i'll miss perkins pie. i'll miss icepacks. i'll miss alchemy. i'll miss chick fil parking lot extravaganzas until sundown. i'll miss flying up to new york for just a few days. i'll miss making unbelievable faces at nicole onstage. i'll miss the dippin dots store down the street. i'll miss 12 hour rehearsals. i'll miss crying in vocal rehearsals. i'll miss vanessa yelling in them. i'll miss looking at lisa offstage in tank 1. i'll miss sleeping on my futon. i'll miss the pageant. i'll miss why "it doesn't get any better than that." i'll miss surviving. i'll miss madgab. i'll miss roadtrips across the country. i'll miss the amazing clouds here. i'll miss overtime. i'll miss long olive garden adventures. i'll miss salsa. i'll miss a fat, chubby cheeked puppet. i'll miss photoshoots. i'll miss body for life. i'll miss snow in orlando. i'll miss hoop de doo. i'll miss sweet jerseys. i'll miss the ale house. i'll miss too much.

i'll miss some of the most incredible people in the world. i won't miss light duty. i will miss nemo, dearly.

i am excited for the journey ahead...

how far do i have to go....

"i made up my mind when i was a young girl, that given this one whirl, i wont worry it away... now and again i loose sight of the good life, i get stuck in the low life....then love comes in"

there must come a point, or many points, in one's life where you wake up and look around and realize that your current state of mind, activities and motivation actually are NOT going to get you where you are trying to get. call it shocking, but i think it's just a little wake up call from....someone looking out for you. the world does that sometimes.

so you try to change. or you say today is the day i am going to do this and this and this and that to eventually get me ready for that, prepared for this, etc. and then i thought to myself, how can i prepare for something that doesnt exist? am i just telling meself i cant prepare for anything because the future doesnt belong to me? and i think it goes both ways. at least my conclusion for now says that. i dont have the future... and i cant prepare for something that doesnt exist yet, and isnt definable yet....but then there is a side of the future that i can work hard for. i can be prepared for anything...i can be organized... i can do a lot of things.

but the more and more i think about it, the more i feel in my core the truth. the truth is to take care of yourself is the best thing you could ever do. for the now. and for the future. thats the best ground work you can do. something got you in a funk, in a mindset, not thinking clearly.... and if you wake up one day and realize you've done things differently then you are now and its worked out pretty well for you.... then maybe its time to be as strong as you know you are. i sit here feeling stuck in a place i know ive been before...and i know where that place has gotten me...and not gotten me. and there comes a time when no matter how a piscean is supposed to act, i have to find that middle ground between my dreams that jump in the clouds waaaaay above my head, and the reality that lays on the grass just at my feet.

and i know i have a long way to go. at one point in my life i lived in california wishing i could be far away. and now as i sit in my orlando apartment, i wish of chronic taco on the beach. and mango martinis at east west. drives to santa barbara to see amazing music. and laughing with the people who i love so much and wish i could give the world to so they can hold it in their hands. i miss a short trip to san fran... a beautiful place where i felt i was getting away, but i hadnt really gone too far. it still felt home. but it felt free when i needed it to. and i miss having to pee really bad in the car ride home. but in that moment of california bliss all i wanted was to leave.

and now im gone. and i look back at a place that holds my life history thus far (until it decided to share with florida a litttttle bit) and give a gentle smile. and behind the smile is so many feelings of love, and joy and FUN....and heartache and growth, and lessons. nothing can ever replace you, my dear california.

so im going to new york. i can feeeeel deep down its the right thing. for whatever reason. but that same place way down deep hints at it not being easy. but what is easy, right? the advice i always give people when they ask me about "making it" (whatever that means to you) is that if you want something bad enough, and do EVERYTHING possible to bring your jumping dreams in the clouds down to play in the grass, then no matter how things end up....you can have NO regrets because you did EVERYTHING possible. its meant to be a happy and good thing, but i just relaized it didnt sound that way. well, the end of the advice is, i beleive in my heart if you want something bad enough and are willing to put up a fight everytime, it will happen.

so as i give myself my own "advice" i realize some things i need to do. but its hard. i need to make changes. and i know if i dont start them now i am already going against my so-called words of...wisdom. or truth. or belief. whatever they can be defined as...im not going along with them right now. i dont think change is as scary as we make it out to be. i think the scary part of it is that it can test our strengths as beings. but we are given little cracks of things to go through that relveals to us how beautifully and powerfully strong we actually are.

i dont know the right way to go about finding my dreams, but i do know i have some pretty tough road blockers right now, and i have built them. so maybe all there is to do is not worry about which way is the right way, but instead understand there is no way to go at this point until i break down the road blocks. and thats what i CAN do, now, to help clear any path i may be lucky enough to stumble upon, later.

"there's too many things i havent done yet...theres too many sunsets i havent seen...and surely something has got to, got to give, because i can't keep waiting to live"

just a little blog.

"what did you do out there... what did you decide?"

what was~ was. what will be~ will be. what is~ is.

yep, that statement definitly deserved its own blogger.

but isn't it funny how casual "is".... is? but how much power it actually has....

i am happy. i am here. now. i am just be-ing. we have so much more control when we let it all go and let the universe do all the work. i am in love with that universe right now.

"i guess everything is timing, i guess everythings been said... so i am coming home with an empty head."

when i think of winter

"i get a little warm in my heart when i think of...."

so this blog is going to be about memories. ok well i dont aaaactually know what this blog is going to be about....it always kinda takes its own path as it gets written- but what i mean is that parts of it will stem from memories because it was a memory that got me to the blogger....um, and when this came to my attention, the whole memory thing, i thought of using "memory" from cats as my song as a joke. and then i realized it just wouldn't be funny at all. that was a lot of memory. youre welcome.

soooooooo as i was watching the water ripple and ripple and you guessed it....ripple into the bubbles of my bath tonight i got caught up in a song from the past...a blast if you will (from the past, get it?) no but for real (cause so far this blog has been all fake?) i was taken back and sat there listening....and thought about what my life is about right now. when i was first introduced to this song did i EVER think that in 5 years i would be working at disney world in ORLANDO with a freckled face weenie dog (ok im going to be honest im not shocked....shut up) surrounded by people i had no idea existed until 6 months ago and doing ok. there still is a void in my heart that belongs to the people that mean so much to me and cannot be here... but i guess how do you fix that? the people i love cant move around as much as i do. its a weird thing to get used to- the whole "one minute you are constantly surrounded by them to see you in 6 months" thing; and it still makes my eyes water when i think about their faces and their energy in my life, but as i grow and learn, which i am always doing, my spirit learns to sway without their physical presence. it sways because of their energy that lives in my heart. cue: eyes water... go.

no but really....i thought about where i was in my life then, and it was funny because i felt my core being remembering right along with me. i dont really know if "core being" is an actual term, but its just....you i guess. i think its who your mind talks to. maybe its just your heart (ha- ya know, JUST your heart). no, but its that thing that your mind talks to and says "hey dude... remember sitting in that room, listening to this song, with that person, thinking that thought...." and that thing responds with "yep, i do remember feeling opened up to the world, safe, happy, excited and right where i want to be." its amazing how they interpret memories and situations differently, but somehow always manage to communicate perfectly.

and you can skip into new stages of your life and see what you were learning...and not learning at that time. and the most important thing i have learned to do when looking back at yourself and your life and your decisions is to not judge them. dont judge yourself. you did what you did and what you could at the time. and the situation isnt different now that you can look back and see another option for yourself because for whatever reason that option didnt happen then and therefore wasnt available. and we all get stuck. and we get back up on our feet and we learn. and we dont sometimes. somehow, when you decide to randomly see your past in ripples in the water, you see a chapter that you can understand now. it makes sense. what was happening then comes full circle and it clicks. and im sure at somepoint i will see another chapter of my past in the clouds, or when i look at my dog, or in another song... and i will remember that chapter for a reason, and get it. and sometimes you have to work through the chapters... they didnt always seem to come at a right time... and i didnt always understand them and i wasnt anywhere close to "getting" them. but i eventually came around to it. and they still make my heart hurt a little.... and maybe the conclusion is that it wont ever fully go away. but i believe in so much more, and i dream and i dream and i know what ive been through and i want to believe i know where i want to go.... and all i can do is continue to sway from the love of my friends and my family that i miss so much, and try to dance like those darn ripples, and always continue to allow myself to grow....and always trust that thing that loves talking to my mind. somehow i get the feeling it knows what its saying.

"when you gonna make up your mind? cause things are gonna change so fast...."

not sure

"i do it for the joy it brings....cause i am a joyful girl. cause the world owes me nothing, and we owe eachother the world"


i didnt know what to call this post, but when i decided on "not sure" (cause i wasnt really sure what this blog was going to be) i remembered i have a sara bareilles song in my itunes called "not sure" cause i dont know the title of the song, but its one of my faves. is what weird?

cool. anyways~ i dont know what has been in the air lately, but the world has so kindly been on my side. i cannot put out more thankfulness then i am right now. my hopes and wishes, thoughts and questions have been spotted and have been dancing uncontrollably. i know i havent done much to deserve it all, so all i can do is be thankful and blissful about it all. i am a proud being right now... i love giving all you got and getting a loving, wonderful response to it. i was given so much overwhelming love and respect tonight, unexpectedly, and i want to take that amazing energy and throw it back into the world for everyone else to experience soon. i was told i was "inspiring" tonight by someone i very much respect. its a lot to take in.

(from dictionary.com)
inspiring:
to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence; to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence; to give inspiration.

ummm....alright. i cant see myself actually producing those qualities... but its a fun thing to live with for a while. i hope its a recurring theme because i want to do all that stuff. duh.

but outside of the opening that happened tonight of what i do to be stable in monetary form (but i'd actually do it for free shhhhh dont tell heehee) which was amazing.... life is inspiring ME...so maybe i am just influenced. the past chunk of days keep bringing forth questions and feelings that...well im not exactly sure what to do with. both have been dipped in joy and im not quite sure how to respond to it... i think i know how i want to respond to parts of the past days, but at the same time im trapped into thinking i cant. so whos side do you take? i guess i am in between sides....because i dont know how to deal with whats happening. not everyone knows how i feel....which is how it should be~ but it makes things funny. (i have come to the conclusion that funny is my default emotion when i dont really know what the appropriate emotion actually is for the situation, or if one even exists). so it makes things "funny".... and maybe the whole point is that there is NOT a solution or answer to the situation at hand, even though you want one to exist. you cant force anything...if you try, you will learn faster than you thought possible that you have no control and what will be is more powerful than you. sorry to burst the bubble. but its not so bad if you really think about it. i guess it just means you dont really have to worry...somehow something somewhere is doing that for you already. sweet. so i guess as it happens....life is beautiful. tonight was beautiful and refreshing and more than i could have tried to hope for....so thank you universe for staying by my side the whole night. and as for the other situation...........let it be what it will be. and be ok with that. i know what i want...but i dont know what it will be. but i do know that what it WILL be... will be just fine.

" i do it just because i want to...... i want to"

twentytwo and a new year

wow. back to the blogger.

3 months have gone by and it is january 22 and the world is wonderful.

a lot has happened since the twenty second three months ago, and i have learned a lot about what i was writing about months ago. and now i cant help but trust that the world knows what its doing and to enjoy the ride and try not to worry about things, especially those things you cannot control. you are more free, more strong, and your soul is lighter... its an amazing thing. i cant say i have been practicing this for the entire month....but everything kind of came together after the events of the past few days. nothing makes me happier than experiencing life with the people i love. i continue to learn more about the world and myself when i am shown them through the eyes of my friends. my friends are beautiful, inspiring, intriguing and...well... pretty much out of control. this day gives me good feelings about the world and what is here, and what can become. and although the future is exciting... it doesn't belong to us yet. that kind of is awesome though. i used to think it would be weird growing up... and i have begun to love it. the journey is like nothing else. and its yours. only yours. thats kinda ricidulously special and amazing right? go where you want....be who you are....do what makes you happy...be with who you love. this is all we have. i want to hug you now.

that was the guy who booed in the living room. we slept before right. palm tree. no meter. nems. blue shirts. red lights. 22. amazing.

"take your best shot. here i stand heart in hand.
and fearless i’m not, but i am what I am.
i know what i’m not, and I know enough to know it’s never
gonna be much more than weather, you can’t drive me away
when it’s only rain."