d express

one can get a lot done during the columbus circle express stretch to the 125th street stop. and i was going to 145 (even better). if you close your eyes you get this really fun feeling of moving really fast knowing you're not going to get the sudden sway to one side anytime soon as you express pass. headphones in, eyes closed, backpack held tight, mind on- i couldn't help but remember some already read chapters of my life thus far. woah i'm so grateful for it all. i thought back to a time where there didn't seem to be any escape. where love had come and gone and had convinced me on her way out that she would never appear again. or maybe she tried to convince me otherwise and i only heard what i wanted. and i questioned everything. and that what i was feeling or thinking would never go away- that is just how it was and how it was going to be. or fast forward to a time where i was really being on my own. for the first time really. where i grew so much. where i learned so much. where i was surrounded by a whole new family of friends. and i couldn't get over the fact that i hadn't known them before. except for one of them- and he made me feel just enough home and familiarity that made everything ok as i started that journey. or rewind way back before love left to when she was there. and even before that. woah. quite a few chapters there. just joy. meeting best friends. learning how much was available to you in the world. open hearts, open minds, hard working, discovering, rolling down grassy hills, a pub with a history since the 60's, picking yourself up, letting yourself fall and getting through it all. rewind way back. to a time only me can understand in this life now. it reminds me how strong and lucky i am. these chapters are only part of the book- but i kept having the same thought on the d express. never ever ever in all these times could i or would i have imagined myself being where i am at this minute. location-wise, working hard-wise, enjoying life-wise, not taking anything for granted-wise....being surrounded by some of the most amazing and beautiful human beings i could have ever imagined. where did they come from?! i am inspired everyday. i am laughing harder than i can remember. i am here. and i am happy. and the more i close my eyes and let it all go- the more i am allowed to invite it all in....and it actually feels like it all wants to. and i welcome it all with open arms and gratitude. and am thankful for whoever keeps reminding me to let it all go to let it all in- and honestly making me do it. i can feel it happening. i dont know. i think i just want to hug the world.

this is it

"its just a little voice. and if you're listening~ sometimes a little voice can say the biggest things."

dear life, i love you. love allison. i mean we are here. we are there. we are lost and found, just to find ourselves lost again. we learn lost to be a negative thing. but i think its another opportunity to find ourselves. or a part of us. or just an excuse to search. stuff is good, stuff is not so good... or we perceive everything to be certain way depending on what feels comfortable for us to feel at any given moment. or we are trying it all on to see if it fits. or we dont know what we are doing so we just play it out. live it out. think or feel it out. we are only human. and as incredibly powerful as that is, its also just so human. what a beautiful thing it is to figure things out. its even more beautiful to just try. cause eventually, as it turns out, who knows if we ever figure things out. maybe things work the way they are supposed to and when they turn out ok we believe this to be so because we believe them to have worked out how we thought they should. but maybe they just did what they were supposed to. and when it feels right, or feels good, we are sure this was what SHOULD have happened. this is what was going to happen. we are strong and powerful beings. and i dont always know what i am doing. ha. i know who i am because of this feeling i get. i get instincts. i listen to them. i believe in them. i have hopes. i have many fears. i try to overcome, i try to challenge, i try to give in, i try to think i know better. and then i laugh because i know i dont. i enjoy myself. i get down on myself. i talk to myself. i pick myself back up. i remind myself how many thoughts, feelings, opportunities, performances, loves, talks, situations, lost moments, truths and falses there will be. and i remind myself to laugh at it all. to enjoy it all. to question it all. but only in all positive lights. because only we can allow ourself to an unpleasant place. keep it up. be up. because why not?! you are truly brilliant. you are truly lovely. you are truly inspiring, amazing and precious if you allow yourself to be. you are more wonderful than you give yourself credit for. so give yourself more credit than you feel you deserve. because i guarentee you will discover you are amazing. and brilliant. and the DEAL. go out there and get what you want. or what you think you want. fight for what you believe in. i believe in you.

"when you gonna love you as much as i do"

mother.

there is this woman i know. i have lived with her, grown with her... i have even lived inside of her. i am who i am today because of her. she has shown the most love i have seen capable of and she has proven herself the strongest being alive and she carries a wisdom i only dream of achieving. she is never caught un-caring. i think about her just about every other second of every day. she has taught me more than a lifetime of experience could~ and i have only lived a quarter of my life. sometimes i cry in the night, or the middle of the day, or even when i wake up because of the gratefulness i feel having known this woman. she is more important, more loving, more extraordinary and more special then she would ever give herself credit for. if i were in rhode island and she was driving across the country and was already to arizona she would turn around just to give me another kiss. or to drop off the book report i forgot at home. and that's not an exaggeration. she is the most brilliant women i know. i want to write her into all of the history books. i can't imagine a life without her and my only wish in this world is that i can carry on the love...the greatest love i could ever know, which is hers, on and in to this world as i grow. no one should experience a life without her. and i have so far been given a lifetime. i consider myself the luckiest human being alive. i love you more than you could ever try to understand. and if you ever did understand... its more than that. nothing i say or do could ever express my thankfulness. you are my favorite woman that has ever existed. you are brilliant. you are strong. you are hilarious. you are love. you are so special. you are beautiful. you are my mom. and i love you more than anything in this universe.