i want a doughnut

dont ask me
i said dont ask me
dont you even ask me
why
i want a doughnut.
i just do.

hello. what?? oh. the doughnuts are not gonna happen. but i love the cake kind with the vanilla frosting and rainbow sprinkles. haha. shut up allison.

its all complicated and weird. and you cant avoid it. so why try.
thanks patty.

well...i do try. so sue me. im sure we all try, in our own ways. but how can we not be effected and inspired and persuaded by everything. there are norms that exist. rules of society. there are rules among our family. among our chosen family of friends. to our pets we are someone. to our friends from high school we are someone. to our bosses. to our parents. to our lovers. to ourselves. who are we the most truthful with? does it change? we must always be changing... i mean we experience new things, people, lives... everyday. how can we not change. how do we find a truthful rock...a place we know we can always go back to when we go home at night. that no matter what we feel we need to adjust for certain friends, family, situations... what we take away from the reality of who we are right now or what we add to it... how do we know what the thing that makes us us stays. where does she live? does our perspective change, making it easier to loose her or find her at any given point? how do we even discover her?? is it just a feeling we know. is it something we do? is it the way we laugh. or love. or what. different for each person? moving across the country can hide her...or change her....or discover another part of her. so how do you know whats what? how do you sort through her? how are you sure of how many parts of her exist? is there only one part of her that truly exists that can be seen a million different ways. do you ever actually and honestly find her slash figure her out? shes a mess.

we place importance on different things on a daily/weekly/monthly/yearly....secondly basis.

so possibly the answer is we just never know. maybe because she runs around and hides. maybe she changes with us. maybe she is always there in the exact place. but we wander. and go back and forth. loosing and finding her along the way.

either way. i have dreams. i love hard. and im never positive where the "she" is at any moment... but the belief and the faith and the know that she is there...somewhere, is enough. dancing. or running. or being crazy. shes there. and i may scatter. and i may loose perspective and than gain it back. we may miss eachother on the upside and find eachother on the down side. either way... we are always there with eachother. sometimes we know it. sometimes we dont.

but why worry, right? its all complicated and weird. and you cant avoid it. so why try?