part one

and i am humbled i feel small and plain he loves with rhythm and paints with flame he comes in pieces with no name.

Why do we make ourselves so impatient. We drive ourselves nuts over something that doesn't even belong to us a little bit. And the more distance there is the more questions appear....and thoughts fight eachother and pound at your skull yelling "let us out" but you don't respond because you can't even make out what they are trying to say. So the thoughts jump into the rest of your body and drive you nuts with feelings of endless anxiousness as they bounce from side to side, jump up and down and continue with their chanting. And then there's the other thing that is dancing in your heart that you don't want to calm down
because its what keeps tricking you to believe everything is going to work out- because why would they dance so freely and joyfully if they knew things wouldn't be ok. And you have to trust that your dancing heart knows much, much more than those pitiful chanting thoughts flailing around pretending they know better. But I can't take sides because I can't make a decision to save my life. And I just don't know better. For someone who can trust her instincts stronger than she can say what she wants in life....she's pretty stuck on this.

part two

the future is no place to place your better days.
You are great. And great seems pretty ordinary, but here, great is used as anything but. And can't help but wonder how much you know and what you do with what you know. Do you recycle? And if you do, do you separate the paper from the plastic from the aluminum from the garbage from the thoughts from the feelings from the friends from the lovers from what's left. Was that too much to ask too soon? Oh my gosh you don't even know what you don't even know! Ha. What would you say to it? Or not say. Just get out of the apt for a day and tell her what to do with these chanting thoughts and this jumping heart because they are getting louder and jumping higher and bouncing faster everyday. And secretly its pretty fun, but patience keeps guiding her to the finish line. And she's mad that the express train doesn't stop at every station. And she's glad it stops at the good ones. But she wants to change things up and doesn't know what's happening with you. She told me yesterday that she was scared it wouldn't be the right time. I smiled and told her to go read a book or listen to her ipod. we all know that time laughs at us everyday and always has the last word. She and Time are both stubborn and she knows she will never slip the last word in so she doesn't even think to try and challange him. Instead she fights her own battles with herself. She challanges herself to grow and learn and love and run and jump and trust that the net will show up somewhere during the downfall. And she knows that even if the net flakes on their stupid 8 o'clock movie plans, there is always a "worst that can happen" situation...and no matter what that is, she can get herself through it because she's a lot stronger than she tells herself. And as humble as she reminds herself to always be, she knows that in the end, everything will be ok, because if its not "its not the end." Ha! And that's pretty great. Great in the most uncommon way possible. She also recycles, sometimes separating everything, and she definitly thinks you're amazingly and un-ordinarily great.

twelve days.

i'll miss beer, minus the bear, briley and the sun on the porch. i'll miss tank tops in january. i'll miss looking out the window from my bed. i'll miss being bold or going home. i'll miss the forest. i'll miss video chat from 5 buildings away. i'll miss uncomfortable benches. i'll miss the lessons. i'll miss the horrible carpet. i'll miss first watch. i'll miss brendas porch that i've yet to sleep on. i'll miss my bed. i'll miss sex and city anytime i want. i'll miss running late to animal kingdom. i'll miss drive on. i'll miss being stressed about not being the best i can be. i'll miss missing you. i'll miss random rainstorms in 95 degree weather. i'll miss rude but funny leasing office ladies. i'll miss the shitzu downstairs. i'll miss marshas notes, kinda. i'll miss the powerade. i'll miss my 10 dollar patio chairs. i'll miss paws in the park. i'll miss berts lessons. i'll miss kitties. i'll miss lisa's baking. i'll miss super target runs. i'll miss ds challenges. i'll miss sushi and sake. i'll miss opening night parties with drunk writers. i'll miss the laughs. i'll miss the show downs. i'll miss spending time with myself at home. i'll miss laughing with frank onstage. i'll miss asking why it was below 70 degrees. i'll miss ice cream, ..., top model and american idol nights. i'll miss the feeling of taking off my costume after my shows. i'll miss working harder than i ever have before. i'll miss leaving the radio on for briley. i'll miss eating cereal for more meals than i can count. i'll miss walking to franks. i'll miss bahama breeze. i'll miss the fanciness. i'll miss kiwi, ruby, snickers, romeo, bailey and keiko. i'll miss thanksgiving with the goldsteins. i'll miss downtown disney's virgin megastore. i'll miss opening night parties. i'll miss opening night after parties more. i'll miss the green room. i'll miss secret santa. i'll miss the millenia mall. i'll miss bicycle rides into work. i'll miss the safari ride. i'll miss everest. i'll miss perkins pie. i'll miss icepacks. i'll miss alchemy. i'll miss chick fil parking lot extravaganzas until sundown. i'll miss flying up to new york for just a few days. i'll miss making unbelievable faces at nicole onstage. i'll miss the dippin dots store down the street. i'll miss 12 hour rehearsals. i'll miss crying in vocal rehearsals. i'll miss vanessa yelling in them. i'll miss looking at lisa offstage in tank 1. i'll miss sleeping on my futon. i'll miss the pageant. i'll miss why "it doesn't get any better than that." i'll miss surviving. i'll miss madgab. i'll miss roadtrips across the country. i'll miss the amazing clouds here. i'll miss overtime. i'll miss long olive garden adventures. i'll miss salsa. i'll miss a fat, chubby cheeked puppet. i'll miss photoshoots. i'll miss body for life. i'll miss snow in orlando. i'll miss hoop de doo. i'll miss sweet jerseys. i'll miss the ale house. i'll miss too much.

i'll miss some of the most incredible people in the world. i won't miss light duty. i will miss nemo, dearly.

i am excited for the journey ahead...

how far do i have to go....

"i made up my mind when i was a young girl, that given this one whirl, i wont worry it away... now and again i loose sight of the good life, i get stuck in the low life....then love comes in"

there must come a point, or many points, in one's life where you wake up and look around and realize that your current state of mind, activities and motivation actually are NOT going to get you where you are trying to get. call it shocking, but i think it's just a little wake up call from....someone looking out for you. the world does that sometimes.

so you try to change. or you say today is the day i am going to do this and this and this and that to eventually get me ready for that, prepared for this, etc. and then i thought to myself, how can i prepare for something that doesnt exist? am i just telling meself i cant prepare for anything because the future doesnt belong to me? and i think it goes both ways. at least my conclusion for now says that. i dont have the future... and i cant prepare for something that doesnt exist yet, and isnt definable yet....but then there is a side of the future that i can work hard for. i can be prepared for anything...i can be organized... i can do a lot of things.

but the more and more i think about it, the more i feel in my core the truth. the truth is to take care of yourself is the best thing you could ever do. for the now. and for the future. thats the best ground work you can do. something got you in a funk, in a mindset, not thinking clearly.... and if you wake up one day and realize you've done things differently then you are now and its worked out pretty well for you.... then maybe its time to be as strong as you know you are. i sit here feeling stuck in a place i know ive been before...and i know where that place has gotten me...and not gotten me. and there comes a time when no matter how a piscean is supposed to act, i have to find that middle ground between my dreams that jump in the clouds waaaaay above my head, and the reality that lays on the grass just at my feet.

and i know i have a long way to go. at one point in my life i lived in california wishing i could be far away. and now as i sit in my orlando apartment, i wish of chronic taco on the beach. and mango martinis at east west. drives to santa barbara to see amazing music. and laughing with the people who i love so much and wish i could give the world to so they can hold it in their hands. i miss a short trip to san fran... a beautiful place where i felt i was getting away, but i hadnt really gone too far. it still felt home. but it felt free when i needed it to. and i miss having to pee really bad in the car ride home. but in that moment of california bliss all i wanted was to leave.

and now im gone. and i look back at a place that holds my life history thus far (until it decided to share with florida a litttttle bit) and give a gentle smile. and behind the smile is so many feelings of love, and joy and FUN....and heartache and growth, and lessons. nothing can ever replace you, my dear california.

so im going to new york. i can feeeeel deep down its the right thing. for whatever reason. but that same place way down deep hints at it not being easy. but what is easy, right? the advice i always give people when they ask me about "making it" (whatever that means to you) is that if you want something bad enough, and do EVERYTHING possible to bring your jumping dreams in the clouds down to play in the grass, then no matter how things end up....you can have NO regrets because you did EVERYTHING possible. its meant to be a happy and good thing, but i just relaized it didnt sound that way. well, the end of the advice is, i beleive in my heart if you want something bad enough and are willing to put up a fight everytime, it will happen.

so as i give myself my own "advice" i realize some things i need to do. but its hard. i need to make changes. and i know if i dont start them now i am already going against my so-called words of...wisdom. or truth. or belief. whatever they can be defined as...im not going along with them right now. i dont think change is as scary as we make it out to be. i think the scary part of it is that it can test our strengths as beings. but we are given little cracks of things to go through that relveals to us how beautifully and powerfully strong we actually are.

i dont know the right way to go about finding my dreams, but i do know i have some pretty tough road blockers right now, and i have built them. so maybe all there is to do is not worry about which way is the right way, but instead understand there is no way to go at this point until i break down the road blocks. and thats what i CAN do, now, to help clear any path i may be lucky enough to stumble upon, later.

"there's too many things i havent done yet...theres too many sunsets i havent seen...and surely something has got to, got to give, because i can't keep waiting to live"

just a little blog.

"what did you do out there... what did you decide?"

what was~ was. what will be~ will be. what is~ is.

yep, that statement definitly deserved its own blogger.

but isn't it funny how casual "is".... is? but how much power it actually has....

i am happy. i am here. now. i am just be-ing. we have so much more control when we let it all go and let the universe do all the work. i am in love with that universe right now.

"i guess everything is timing, i guess everythings been said... so i am coming home with an empty head."

when i think of winter

"i get a little warm in my heart when i think of...."

so this blog is going to be about memories. ok well i dont aaaactually know what this blog is going to be about....it always kinda takes its own path as it gets written- but what i mean is that parts of it will stem from memories because it was a memory that got me to the blogger....um, and when this came to my attention, the whole memory thing, i thought of using "memory" from cats as my song as a joke. and then i realized it just wouldn't be funny at all. that was a lot of memory. youre welcome.

soooooooo as i was watching the water ripple and ripple and you guessed it....ripple into the bubbles of my bath tonight i got caught up in a song from the past...a blast if you will (from the past, get it?) no but for real (cause so far this blog has been all fake?) i was taken back and sat there listening....and thought about what my life is about right now. when i was first introduced to this song did i EVER think that in 5 years i would be working at disney world in ORLANDO with a freckled face weenie dog (ok im going to be honest im not shocked....shut up) surrounded by people i had no idea existed until 6 months ago and doing ok. there still is a void in my heart that belongs to the people that mean so much to me and cannot be here... but i guess how do you fix that? the people i love cant move around as much as i do. its a weird thing to get used to- the whole "one minute you are constantly surrounded by them to see you in 6 months" thing; and it still makes my eyes water when i think about their faces and their energy in my life, but as i grow and learn, which i am always doing, my spirit learns to sway without their physical presence. it sways because of their energy that lives in my heart. cue: eyes water... go.

no but really....i thought about where i was in my life then, and it was funny because i felt my core being remembering right along with me. i dont really know if "core being" is an actual term, but its just....you i guess. i think its who your mind talks to. maybe its just your heart (ha- ya know, JUST your heart). no, but its that thing that your mind talks to and says "hey dude... remember sitting in that room, listening to this song, with that person, thinking that thought...." and that thing responds with "yep, i do remember feeling opened up to the world, safe, happy, excited and right where i want to be." its amazing how they interpret memories and situations differently, but somehow always manage to communicate perfectly.

and you can skip into new stages of your life and see what you were learning...and not learning at that time. and the most important thing i have learned to do when looking back at yourself and your life and your decisions is to not judge them. dont judge yourself. you did what you did and what you could at the time. and the situation isnt different now that you can look back and see another option for yourself because for whatever reason that option didnt happen then and therefore wasnt available. and we all get stuck. and we get back up on our feet and we learn. and we dont sometimes. somehow, when you decide to randomly see your past in ripples in the water, you see a chapter that you can understand now. it makes sense. what was happening then comes full circle and it clicks. and im sure at somepoint i will see another chapter of my past in the clouds, or when i look at my dog, or in another song... and i will remember that chapter for a reason, and get it. and sometimes you have to work through the chapters... they didnt always seem to come at a right time... and i didnt always understand them and i wasnt anywhere close to "getting" them. but i eventually came around to it. and they still make my heart hurt a little.... and maybe the conclusion is that it wont ever fully go away. but i believe in so much more, and i dream and i dream and i know what ive been through and i want to believe i know where i want to go.... and all i can do is continue to sway from the love of my friends and my family that i miss so much, and try to dance like those darn ripples, and always continue to allow myself to grow....and always trust that thing that loves talking to my mind. somehow i get the feeling it knows what its saying.

"when you gonna make up your mind? cause things are gonna change so fast...."

not sure

"i do it for the joy it brings....cause i am a joyful girl. cause the world owes me nothing, and we owe eachother the world"


i didnt know what to call this post, but when i decided on "not sure" (cause i wasnt really sure what this blog was going to be) i remembered i have a sara bareilles song in my itunes called "not sure" cause i dont know the title of the song, but its one of my faves. is what weird?

cool. anyways~ i dont know what has been in the air lately, but the world has so kindly been on my side. i cannot put out more thankfulness then i am right now. my hopes and wishes, thoughts and questions have been spotted and have been dancing uncontrollably. i know i havent done much to deserve it all, so all i can do is be thankful and blissful about it all. i am a proud being right now... i love giving all you got and getting a loving, wonderful response to it. i was given so much overwhelming love and respect tonight, unexpectedly, and i want to take that amazing energy and throw it back into the world for everyone else to experience soon. i was told i was "inspiring" tonight by someone i very much respect. its a lot to take in.

(from dictionary.com)
inspiring:
to fill with an animating, quickening, or exalting influence; to communicate or suggest by a divine or supernatural influence; to give inspiration.

ummm....alright. i cant see myself actually producing those qualities... but its a fun thing to live with for a while. i hope its a recurring theme because i want to do all that stuff. duh.

but outside of the opening that happened tonight of what i do to be stable in monetary form (but i'd actually do it for free shhhhh dont tell heehee) which was amazing.... life is inspiring ME...so maybe i am just influenced. the past chunk of days keep bringing forth questions and feelings that...well im not exactly sure what to do with. both have been dipped in joy and im not quite sure how to respond to it... i think i know how i want to respond to parts of the past days, but at the same time im trapped into thinking i cant. so whos side do you take? i guess i am in between sides....because i dont know how to deal with whats happening. not everyone knows how i feel....which is how it should be~ but it makes things funny. (i have come to the conclusion that funny is my default emotion when i dont really know what the appropriate emotion actually is for the situation, or if one even exists). so it makes things "funny".... and maybe the whole point is that there is NOT a solution or answer to the situation at hand, even though you want one to exist. you cant force anything...if you try, you will learn faster than you thought possible that you have no control and what will be is more powerful than you. sorry to burst the bubble. but its not so bad if you really think about it. i guess it just means you dont really have to worry...somehow something somewhere is doing that for you already. sweet. so i guess as it happens....life is beautiful. tonight was beautiful and refreshing and more than i could have tried to hope for....so thank you universe for staying by my side the whole night. and as for the other situation...........let it be what it will be. and be ok with that. i know what i want...but i dont know what it will be. but i do know that what it WILL be... will be just fine.

" i do it just because i want to...... i want to"

twentytwo and a new year

wow. back to the blogger.

3 months have gone by and it is january 22 and the world is wonderful.

a lot has happened since the twenty second three months ago, and i have learned a lot about what i was writing about months ago. and now i cant help but trust that the world knows what its doing and to enjoy the ride and try not to worry about things, especially those things you cannot control. you are more free, more strong, and your soul is lighter... its an amazing thing. i cant say i have been practicing this for the entire month....but everything kind of came together after the events of the past few days. nothing makes me happier than experiencing life with the people i love. i continue to learn more about the world and myself when i am shown them through the eyes of my friends. my friends are beautiful, inspiring, intriguing and...well... pretty much out of control. this day gives me good feelings about the world and what is here, and what can become. and although the future is exciting... it doesn't belong to us yet. that kind of is awesome though. i used to think it would be weird growing up... and i have begun to love it. the journey is like nothing else. and its yours. only yours. thats kinda ricidulously special and amazing right? go where you want....be who you are....do what makes you happy...be with who you love. this is all we have. i want to hug you now.

that was the guy who booed in the living room. we slept before right. palm tree. no meter. nems. blue shirts. red lights. 22. amazing.

"take your best shot. here i stand heart in hand.
and fearless i’m not, but i am what I am.
i know what i’m not, and I know enough to know it’s never
gonna be much more than weather, you can’t drive me away
when it’s only rain."

love, kindess and strength

with all the events that are constantly happening, and as it seems, more constantly changing, i cant help but be inspired. growing up i was taught ideas....and as i grew up i found my own ideas about things. but i must give credit to the people who taught me what they did, because in the end i was eventually allowed to discover my own ideas, thoughts and feelings.

the more and more i know and learn, the more i change what i thought i knew and learned. people are surprising me more now, or maybe i am just more aware now. but back to the inspiration...

i sit here on my porch and look at the rain clouds, the sun setting, eat pasta, drink my glass of shiraz and take in what the week threw at me. its absolutely more than one could have thought. big issues, new lessons and exciting stories all came together to put this weeks show on. and it was entertaining, for the most part. i would have paid good money to see it. but put the new lessons and exciting stories aside, big issues had the spotlight. the realization of what life can throw at you is overwhelming. i wish i could fix everyones problems.

at this moment in my life i cannot help but look around and be so incredibly grateful for what i have right now. i have accomplished more then i could have hoped for. i was taught love the minute i was born and continue to try and spread that anywhere i can. i hope with all of my heart that all the people in the world, no matter who they be, what they want, what they have done or strive to do, believe in something they want so much that they are willing to fight with their whole soul for it. it will happen, if you are sure of it.

as for me, i want to give people hope. in a world that is not easy, finding things to believe in and things to fight for seems to help me roll along with it. or find your own way of rolling....

so blame the shiraz if you want, but i cant help but give credit to the amazing people who have inspired me throughout my life.... teaching me love, kindness and most recently, incredible strength. i love my friends and my family with my entire being.

the taste of something so sweet

"silly me, look what i did again. i found what i want is what i cannot have.... i didn't mean to be so predictable, but i blame all on who made you irresistable"

so love triangles dont only happen in the movies. you dont really realize you are at the point of one until you sit back and look at the situation. and i am absolutely in that triangle. whoops. and people say i should be happy to feel loved. i do, and i understand that. but what happens when you love the wrong person. is there a wrong person? or do we just make assumptions. i mean you never know till you try, right? but what makes you want to try it with someone over another person, even when someone wants to try it with you, and you want to try it with someone else, and they have no idea any of these feelings are happening. and what happens when you cant tell them?

i dont like getting myself in binds like this. who does? but i also hate not being able to express anything. i have my own ideas on what could be, or how things should be, but am i denying reality? is reality what you make it, or is it a preconcieved thing that you will never be able to change? or is it always evolving as we evolve....

so i am trying to just go with it, but so many factors make it so hard. i want to love again. i think i am capable of it, but my luck hasn't been on my side yet. i am still waiting for it to come round soon. maybe i am just denying i am scared. how do you overcome fear? "two dragons guard fear's mansion. one is ceramic and chinese. the other is real. if you make it past the dragons and speak to him up close, it is amazing to see how fragile he is." how do you break past the dragons? anyone?

"you should of warned me about the undertow....."

fearless flyer

"love, i get so lost sometimes. so much wasted, and this emptiness fills my heart. when i want to run away, i drive off in my car... but which ever way i go, i come back to the place you are."

you arn't looking for anything. you might secretly want something, but you allow other things to fill up your time and energy. then, without notice, what you wanted is yours, and you didnt even really know THATS what you wanted, but as soon as it was yours, you knew what the longing was all about. its no longer a confusion, but a clear picture playing in life, and you are a part of it.

then it goes away. and you do everything you can to find it. if you could, every tree, every branch, every post, every soul would be covered in wanted signs. but over the years of searching, you grow up and you learn that you found what you wanted when you wernt conducting a hunt every day for it. it just appears and catches you by surprise.

so you stop looking. and all of a sudden something comes your way ~

and immediately you ask is this it? is it finally here? but now all of a sudden new obstacles stand in your sight lines and you dont know how to deal with them. you cant get them to leave you alone, and you even take their side for everything while noticing they could be jeopardizing your happiness. confusion sets in and your little voice reminds you how you are an adult. you tell the little voice youre not good at being an adult. so, sorry. but then one night, it is all stripped down and you are able to blind the obstacles, you allow yourself to let go, just to SEE if you can. and there it is. you see it can work. but after the test run, the obstacles run up to you and are ready for a challenge. is this how it will be for the rest of existence on earth? or is this just how it is? am i not being patient enough?

or am i not allowing myself to fly....

i wait for a time when i am fearless and able to love with my whole being. i hope its soon.

"without a noise, without my pride, i reach out from the inside...."

hey, stranger

"and i think when you grow up surrounded by willful ignorance, you have to believe that mercy has its own country, and that its round and borderless...."

all of a sudden one question threw us on the path of my life thus far. i think the stars are skipping in funny alignments right now, because it seems like the universe is throwing so much at me right now. i am remembering home so much....and life events that changed my life. i got thrown back into a time that, when i try to look back and remember why or how that chapter of my life came to be, i cant.

chapters of life are so seriously incredible to me. one year you are this person...and the next you are that person. and you have to believe that there is still a core part of YOU that has stayed the same, but when you are drawn into these different past lives, you look so hard to find that part of you now that lived in that time, and shes lost. you pass by an apartment you used to hang out all the time and you are immediately drawn back to that time. you FEEL it. a song puts me in that place, too. i wish i knew how that worked.

but you visit that chapter of time, and then you feel funny abut it for a while. and to believe that everything DOES happen for a reason helps you get through it... but you cant help but be curious why. will you ever feel like this or that person again? and all of these chapters are making up your novel.... and i know i want to read it when its finished... but its like i didnt have a choice as to what material i wanted in it. i guess thats why your life experience is so precious -- things you would have NEVER thought could be written in, somehow get there, and the ink is permanent. when i look back at the stories, the tales, the lessons, the proud moments of success, whatever that is to you, i wouldnt have it any other way because no one else gets my novel. no one else gets me....yet. i want to share so much with the world, but i am afraid they wouldnt understand so much, or maybe i am just not giving them enough credit.

"then you have to grow wings and rise above...."

regretting the half-assed

"just show me a moment that is mine. its beauty, blinding and unsurpassed. make me forget every moment that went by and left me so half-hearted cause i felt it so half-assed."

because i learn something new about me everyday, my opinions and loves and fears and words change as i grow. sometimes the roots get cut from underneath me impairing my balance. other times water is poured into their souls and they get me to dance. the more i grow, the more i learn....and the more i learn, the more i regret.

what if you couldn't regret. what if you just went through life and made decisions knowing all you know at the time and it would be the right one. maybe you always do make the right decision, until you learn more, and then things become shakey. but it is what it is, right? i guess living with no regrets is a strong motto, but how do you keep regrets out. it seems like they sneak in and invite all of their friends (jealousy, anger, frustration and sadness, but who's naming names?)

i want to get to that point where i can believe that i do what i know is right, whether that's the truth or not. whoulda coulda shoulda is my least favorite dance.

i want to get to that point in my life where i believe in the things i am doing and feeling and loving and singing so much that i taste every second that i have. i don't want to do anything half-assed. not anymore. all that does is get you to regret as you grow and learn. can you make that decision? or is it fate. can you change fate? or are you just stuck.

i love life. i love people. i love my dog and pancakes...at the same time. i dont love looking back and wishing for more when the moment is gone. i dont love the guilt it invited with it.

i want to ride free and go wherever i can. i know i can do so much if i imagine and believe.

"so i'll be outside in love with the kind of beauty it takes more than eyes to know."