comfortable

i've heard it over and over again. not to me, and so i didnt give this phrase the attention it deserves:

i'm not here to make you comfortable.

and you refers to you, and you and you and me. i dont need to prove a thing to anyone. just give goodness. i will inspire- and i dont need to wait around trying to figure out how. it will just happen. its not gonna come in an email. its not gonna come in what i thought i could be. or would be. its not gonna matter if you dont share the info with me. or keep me in the loop. it doesnt matter! oh my goodness. it doesnt! ha! how beautiful is that?! im not a fit for all the molds, all the people, all the roles, all the songs... but i am fit for what im fit for. whatever that means. whatever that is. and i am so grateful that i dont need to worry about all the cha cha that keeps dancing in front of me as it tries to prove i need it, or should be it, or should need it. or that its right. its just lost and looking to entertain someone. its bored. and wants to distract. i'll applaud it- but i wont let it live for me. i am strong. my heart has seen a lot and is constantly searching and feeling and loving and grieving. physically i am strong. when my mind stays out of the way, i can do almost anything. getting lost, getting caught up is all too funny to me now. and we all do it. but at the end of whatever- it all goes away. the sadness, the beauty, the he said she said, the voice, the roles we play- on and off stage, our bed, my wii, my protection necklace, my strong body.... it all strips itself away to reveal what was always there and what always will. we allow ourselves to be lost. maybe so we have something to try and find. or we are scared of what we might find so we decide its better to search our whole lives instead. i'm not here to make you comfortable. but i am here to inspire and to love...harder than i know.

maybe all the plans i think i have will be completely different. maybe no one is ever better than anyone else. maybe i rise above it to my own level of understanding and perspective. and smile at all the dancing cha cha from my cloud. or as i shyly peek around the corner. or as i cry with someone i love. or as i cry to myself because i dont know how to give all this love inside away fast enough and to everyone i can. what can i do??? i want to do it all.

i will inspire in my own ways- whatever they may be. in ways i know and in ones i dont. and even though some things or events seem to appear as the only way i can express and inspire, they are actually someone else's expression and inspiration covered in a gooey, glossy shine. they look better on the outside.. but maybe its just cause they arnt your inspiration to give away. the ones that really choose you do it very carefully. be happy and grateful for those. they are the real deal. their hearts are bigger than their character description. you can choose to drool over the shiny glossy ones that dont belong to you, or realize they are just teasing you. leave them alone. get back in your life, in your heart, in your inspiration and try to make your spirit understand the good stuff. your stuff. the real stuff. this stuff.

we got it good, dude.try taking a trip to a cloud. peek around a corner only to amuse yourself. cry. love. harder. i'm not here to make you comfortable. you don't have to either. but i will never stop loving. and i will never stop being and doing all the good i know how. cause thats the real stuff. my stuff. the good stuff. this stuff.

i mean, they're just stairs.

as i wandered out of apartment for a tall soy chai at the starbucks around the corner in my pajamas and uggers, i realized i live in a neighborhood. some of the places on my block i go to multiple times a week. i see a lot of the same people. its a cool thing. i just had never taken the time to stop and really feel that until now. i dont drive there and i go through two doors and up 5 flights of stairs to get there...but its my home. now. the hallways right outside my door are blue. baby blue. people lived here a long time ago. i wont live here forever. my roommate will change 3 times. i will walk to work in the park this summer. central park. wait. thats nuts. i can WALK there. and a million other places. events that have truly effected my life for all different reasons and ways have happened in this neighborhood. at bars. food places. certain walking paths to get places. to the train. in the train. at a popular stop. on my corner. in our apt. in anyones apt. in class. in taxis. in entryways. fire escape. whatever. a lot has happened. thats the reality of it all. we can decide to see things any way we want at any given time. but sometimes its not what is right in front of you. but when you look back and see things just as they are, you realize how much you missed while you were busy fluffing it all up. time is a changin. time is a goin. pretty fast if you ask me. so i might as well start practicing cutting the fluffing routine. isnt it just getting in the way? we are love. we have been given so much. we have WORKED for so much. we have LOVED for so much. i have compassion, i feel compassion. i want to give so much. i want to do so much, be so much. and then you miss the train- by a long shot, or just as they announce "stand clear of the closing doors please ding dong"- you sometimes just gotta decide to take a taxi. hahaha just kidding. just remember another train is coming. and you can decide to watch the express trains in misery as they fly by your stop- or you can rejoice in your own way that one WILL be coming. and you will get on. and be on your way. but in the waiting time- dont sit and wait. read a book. listen to your ipod. iphone. ishuff, ilisten, ilove, ithinkyouregreat, hahaha ianything. smile at someone. write something. buy a water or skittles if there is a stand at your stop (50th st. 1 station). why a train analogy you may ask?
i have no idea.
in the meantime, dont forget who you are. who you have been. how many changes you will have in life. remember to always be grateful for what you have. and think good thoughts for people. believe that you really help by doing so. treat people the way you want to be treated unless they're a jerk, remember how people saw you in high school. other schools. other chapters of your life. i get mixed tapes from a boy from high school. that i still talk to! and share things with. like. thats crazy. so is the fact that i've been out of high school for six years. YIKES. but how much has happened since then. wow. we've been so many places. and will be so many places. but for now. im in my hood. with my soy chai. and this is the real thing. im alive. 5 flights up.

monopoly.

sometimes you have to fool yourself. you gotta tell yourself everything is ok when its not. and if you keep reminding yourself everyday- by the time it figures out the joke you are playing, things have made a turn for the better. funny how that works. they haven't turned yet, i'm still in the game... sometimes im sure i'm ahead and then i dont pass go. dont collect $200. damn it. but its really just breathing deep and trusting. my heart knows the game but plays anyway for amusement. maybe it does it out of kindness for me. for my spirit. maybe they are best friends. looking out for each other. thats what friends do anyway, right? its like those little white lies that are for good purpose. "hey dude, you're looking better" to a sick friend. "briley just wanted me to tell you how proud you make him" a text message from a father to a daughter who feels like she failed. briley is her dog. sometimes you gotta have a friday night with yourself. what am i doing? what am i loving? who am i loving? who is this person i am creating? whats worth while. whats not. and why do we hold on to the not. even when the not doesn't give you the time of day. we find nots all over the place. in events, in people, in winning and loosing. some of them are tricky. they dont let you go. so how do you let it go? do you go all old fashioned and just tie a string around your finger to remind you to do so? why are there so many questions? why are there even more answers...like the ratio of questions to answers is pretty stupid. there can be a million different answers for each question. so why is it so easy to ask a question but so hard to find answers. shouldn't they just be like falling from the sky at this point? hello? answers? no? none for you? enjoy. like, its crazy. maybe a lot of our questions are answers restated. or maybe we know answers deep down but we keep asking questions to recover them. "if you dont ask the right questions, every answer seems wrong." thats how ani difranco feels about the situation. maybe we are just always changing. evolving. growing. sprouting. i think i say that a lot in blogs, just in different ways. well i just repeat myself all the time in different ways. especially in the blogsters. sorry bout it. how can you want so much, want to do so much, know you can do so much and feel so unorganized about everything. and then you always ask what took you so long? what takes anyone so long? especially when there is so much importance in the world. so much to give. to do. to be. to love. to sing. so why does it take so long? and why does it all seem to happen so fast. one day you're on top of the world. and the next day the part goes to someone else. how much do we actually control? when we are working so hard all we want is time off. when we have time off all we want is something to do. we are crazy. and complex. and deep. and full of energy. and love. and thoughts. and emotions. why do we fight? why do we build walls? why do some things effect us so much deeper that the rest. i want to know so much. but i dont want to do research. im stubborn. and im tough. even though i look like a sweet 16 year old. i dont like pink. i do like flowers. a lot. and pictures. and music. woah music. i just wish to experience it all before i die. all of it. in my own way. i'll get unstuck. i'll become re-confident. but i will always gain the most from humbling moments. i hope we all will. and i'll find my way again, sometime and somehow. but until then, i'll smile cause it uses less muscles then it does to frown. and i'll keep playing the fool myself game. and i'll win. WITHOUT a get out of jail free card. suckers.

la familia

la familia
we are in a constant battle of being what we think we need to be. and with what we think we are. and with what we think we should be. or could be. or with what we are not. and what we were but arnt really anymore. and through all of the time with our thoughts... they support us more than we could ever get a grasp on. unconditional love. even when we dont believe it. or think about it. someone is always on our side. rooting for us. living through our ups and downs from across the country. wanting us to succeed more than we know. whenever we feel joyful, its possible that it comes from the people thinking good thoughts about us all the time. our family, some love, some dont. they are a part of us. they are my heart. they are a part of me that lives so strongly and beautifully and that i can never let go of. i owe it all to them. i could cry with gratefulness for them. they are the most beautiful spirit i know. and i always feel them with me. i want them always there. i get excited for things that go my way... but as soon as they appear, i think of my family. and how when i am happy i wish that for them. when i take off in a plane... i use the quick runway time to thank the universe for everything and ask to get me to point b safely. always immediately after that i ask for the health and happiness of my family. they will always be my heart. they will always be the first ones i call. i will always feel them with me. i will always be inspired by them. i will always long for them. i know its different for everyone. but until the day i die i will live for my family. the strength they have taught me. the goodness they have given me. the goodness they have taught me to live on forever. i only hope to spread their goodness in the world a little bit at a time. i am their number one fan. i would hug them 24 hours a day if i could. their love is the most special i have known. i cant even put a word to it. all i know for sure nowadays is a few things i learned from them. be kind. work hard. do what you love. love. just love. be grateful. and i am. i try. i do. all of these things. thank you. from the whole of my heart. this world means a lot to me. but means the world to me because of you. i wish i knew what to do to make you understand. you are my heart. you live fully with me everyday. im lost a lot of the time. but the thought of you always makes it ok. i talk a lot. i listen hard. i love hard. i work hard. im hard on myself. the world can be hard on me but i secretly dont mind. i know its always temporary. i try to understand. i’m often lost. and found. just to find myself...lost again. and im ok with that. so much LOVE always. why not? love hard. harder. hardest. i hope i make you as proud, everyday, as you make me. i wish you could understand my gratefulness. thank you. thank you. i love you.

i want a doughnut

dont ask me
i said dont ask me
dont you even ask me
why
i want a doughnut.
i just do.

hello. what?? oh. the doughnuts are not gonna happen. but i love the cake kind with the vanilla frosting and rainbow sprinkles. haha. shut up allison.

its all complicated and weird. and you cant avoid it. so why try.
thanks patty.

well...i do try. so sue me. im sure we all try, in our own ways. but how can we not be effected and inspired and persuaded by everything. there are norms that exist. rules of society. there are rules among our family. among our chosen family of friends. to our pets we are someone. to our friends from high school we are someone. to our bosses. to our parents. to our lovers. to ourselves. who are we the most truthful with? does it change? we must always be changing... i mean we experience new things, people, lives... everyday. how can we not change. how do we find a truthful rock...a place we know we can always go back to when we go home at night. that no matter what we feel we need to adjust for certain friends, family, situations... what we take away from the reality of who we are right now or what we add to it... how do we know what the thing that makes us us stays. where does she live? does our perspective change, making it easier to loose her or find her at any given point? how do we even discover her?? is it just a feeling we know. is it something we do? is it the way we laugh. or love. or what. different for each person? moving across the country can hide her...or change her....or discover another part of her. so how do you know whats what? how do you sort through her? how are you sure of how many parts of her exist? is there only one part of her that truly exists that can be seen a million different ways. do you ever actually and honestly find her slash figure her out? shes a mess.

we place importance on different things on a daily/weekly/monthly/yearly....secondly basis.

so possibly the answer is we just never know. maybe because she runs around and hides. maybe she changes with us. maybe she is always there in the exact place. but we wander. and go back and forth. loosing and finding her along the way.

either way. i have dreams. i love hard. and im never positive where the "she" is at any moment... but the belief and the faith and the know that she is there...somewhere, is enough. dancing. or running. or being crazy. shes there. and i may scatter. and i may loose perspective and than gain it back. we may miss eachother on the upside and find eachother on the down side. either way... we are always there with eachother. sometimes we know it. sometimes we dont.

but why worry, right? its all complicated and weird. and you cant avoid it. so why try?

please.

please.
there was a time i was on top of the world. in a green volkswagen bug. with a sun roof. and i drove through the trees on my way... listening to a mix cd by a dear friend. in the ten months, i am pretty sure it was one of the only cds to play in my car. and we went to watch the show that gave you free sangria and cornbread. and deliciousness. and you knew you were watching history- no matter how funny it was. and i went home to feed the pup. and write while i listened to music on my balcony. and it usually involved wine. so sue me. and i was on my own. for the first time- far, far away. on my own. but my buddy was there. in all his joyfulness. making trouble everywhere he went. and we would take field trips to friends places. and he would wear his hooded sweatshirt. from his secret santa. and eat ice cream. and be merry. cause there we were. living for it. for the time we were given. of course we complained. but only to know we would wake up re-grateful and giggly on our way to work the next morning. still drunk. i mean. completely sober. duh. and i would get dressed up that night...and be sad to leave him. and i would go to have jamaican jerk chicken close by. or drive to the wine bar with the girls far away. and no matter how far away i was, i was always connected. i felt i knew what was happening. from home. from my heart. from the universe. and your name pops up with a new text message. and i dont want to answer it. im so scared of being disappointed. im scared of letting myself down. it could be anything. you are amazing. you know how i feel. you know i want...to give you anything i can. anything you need. anything you want. but at the same time, you are gone. to florida...to the bahamas...to california. to wherever you find comfort. and thats ok. i get it. but let me in. let me know whats going on. not rude. but. rude.
in other news. here we are. i mean....good morning. sleep tight. just woke up from my nap. wanna get lunch? coffee? should we get a drink? hey, i am going to my friends cabaret. of course you can stay with me. hey! i am coming home for a week! when does your show open? its 50 degrees today!! gotta pee. did you see what the hilary campaign is accusing obama of this week? can i get starbucks on the way to the train real quick? have you heard sufjan stevens? i just got out of class. i cant, i have to memorize sides for an audition tomorrow. i want soy nuggets. and veggie tacos. and the world. we are all alive. doing. thinking. dreaming. LOVING. wondering. confusering. doubting. we are usually wrong. in the best way possible. and sometimes we find ourselves right....down the line. we make mistakes. and follow our hearts. and we REGRET. we get scared and run away. only to regret. usually. try breaking the pattern. why not. we are only here. here we are. why is ANYONE apologizing? close your eyes. and think about things you are unsure of. or apologizing for. if you breathe and are real with yourself- you will discover there is NO REASON for this. we do it to ourselves. love. be happy. jump the hurdle. "no person can make you feel a certain way, only you can decide how to react to your environment. so.....why not be happy." fuck it all, dude. i mean, SERIOUSLY. go deeper. realize and re-live. how do you fight for what you believe in? its hard when what you feel in your heart is right. you know its right....but if theres the a big change... then it all backfires- and its all based from fear. fuck it all. to you all in this life:

wish i could.
wish you could.
i mean. comon.
just try.
here we are. here it is. live it. love it. be it.
at least take the risk to try.
please.

notes and photographs

ok. so i have a mac. and a tv. and a digital camera. and i have a myspace and facebook account that i check every day...i even have a friendster account (i know...i really dont check it, but it exists). i have an iphone that my gmail account sends its emails to every 5 seconds. and i love it. i actually love anything with an i in front of it. its automatically kind of amazing. i want a job real bad... so i can buy a wii. with guitar hero. and a fancy camera so i can walk around the city and take really amazing photos. does that make me a bad person?! eeeeeeee. i hope not. i love you. all this material talk is solely for the purpose and message of this blog. im a good person. i love trees and little dogs.

i was at a party tonight with polaroid cameras all over the place for everyones individual use. i took about six pictures. as they popped out of the weirdest looking thing...i kept noticing a common theme. they look so real!!!!!! like. i feel like i can see or feel the moment in the pics. they are definitely different then anything digital. anything new age. anything today. it made me so happy! i want a polaroid camera now. seriously. its the craziest thing. have we become crazy with all the technology. i mean, yes, we have. its gone above and beyond. and its amazing. but at the same time we are all growing with it. its a part of life now. just as the first camera was. and radio. and tv. and lightbulb, i guess. but its gotten pretty deep. we take pictures now to have a new facebook pic. or whatever. right?! and thats not bad...i mean everyone needs a new facebook pic. i just changed my myspace one. and we are all documenting and sharing...but tonight it was really about capturing the moment. i know my best friend is leaving the country for 7 months and it all became about having this minute remembered for whenever. for me. but this whole digital thought was a crazy modern day realization slash reality realization slash...i dont even know. bedtime. aka trader joes apple slices. then bedtime.

oh my technology.

geez the wheez!

OKAY. i get it. its actually geez lousie according to urbandictionary.com. and other people. but thats how i say it. so sue me. dont be mad. also, i bought chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzals at trader joes today. so dont be mad again. ok lets get serious. haha. i promise i can be serious sometimes. sometimes. its exciting to know you have been working towards thinking a certain way- and its effecting your actions and getting you to a place where you know its making a difference. i want to worry right now. i dont know what to say or if i am supposed to say anything. until i recognize worrying is only going to hurt myself. i can pretend i know better, or pretend i have some situation "figured out" (what a joke) or whatever. but in reality. not much belongs to me. except this moment. and maybe a little more. wait. i dont know. i think im making shit up. but DEF this moment is ours. and what a gift it is. it belongs to us. and it doesnt make us decide whats next. only asks that we believe in it now. and live in it now. but of course with its beauty comes the temptation to look far beyond it. to look to a place where we think we know better. but thats all the stuff we make up in our head. its the stuff that drives us crazy. SO CRAZY. right?! omg you guys. and im trying hard not to drive myself crazy. and take it all as it comes. and not believe in harsh false truths because they are exactly what they advertise themselves to be.

in the end we are all just people.
just beings.
who are trying to figure all this out.
and live. and love.
we have all hurt. we have all wished. and believed in things.
and wanted.
and we have all tried to figure it all out.
and we have all failed.
only to learn how we can pick ourselves back up.
and love harder.
and fail harder.
and be ok with that.

i cant wish anything but good upon you all. whoever you are. whatever you have done. whatever you may take. whatever you may want. whatever you may be. how can we control so much. isnt it pretty amazing to be in control of ourselves but be absolutely uncontrollable at the same time?? its so human. and truthful. one day i wont have to feel apologetic for some of my feelings. they are all justified because they are true. and here. and now. and i always want the best for people. i mean well. so im not sure why i feel like some of my feelings are wrong. but i see a change. i see myself understanding that they are what they are. and i shouldnt have to apologize for that. and i think everyone around me knows that. so its just a battle with myself. again. we kill ourselves! its hilarious! and amazing! and crazy. geez the wheez. dont be mad.

little jim cricket

sometimes something just feels right. something in us just lets us know. they dont give specifics, which is kind of fun. but they are also so smart. but the truth is, they don't know too much more than we do. i believe my instincts to be geniuses because they let me know. but they really just give me the first burst of knowing....cause thats all they can do. help us sense something is right, or wrong, or feels a certain way, or hint us towards an idea. but after that- through our feelings, decisions and the universe, it plays out and unfolds. and later we get to look back and be like ohhhh thats why this felt right. i mean, whether we follow our instincts or not...almost ALWAYS dont we look back and either in our head, or heart or out loud, we scream I KNEW IT!!! the tricky part is sometimes something feels so right, or simple, or too good to be true. so we go against it only to once again repeat ourselves....i knew it. when it seems too good or right, its so much safer to make up reasons why you are seeing it in a strewed light, why you are wrong, why it couldnt be, or shouldnt be. and even harder than that, its impossible not to close your eyes and imagine the future of the situation. its impossible for you to know how it will all play out- but by making up false ideas of how it will or will not go, it helps you decide what the right decision is now. and the whole thing is RIDICULOUS. but we love ourselves deep down. we have experienced. we have known and not known. and we secretly want to protect ourselves. how to let go of the defenses? the stories we write in our head that dont exist? i mean...im not saying we should stop looking both ways before we cross the street. silly. but maybe live for what we have- for this day- for this millisecond- cause the next one doesnt belong to us. and throughout our ENTIRE life....it never will. ever. but its all such a scary thing to trust. secretly, we've only worried about tomorrow since we can remember. so how do you make the change? im asking. seriously. haha. no seriously. wait. we are real serious. haha. no. i dont know. i get moments of not worrying. and maybe that will progress into hours of not worrying. and on and up from there. i replay my past in my head so often as to remember how things all fell into place. and kind of built the path i have been walking on to...who knows where. i worried about everything that turned out ok. i didnt realize most of how or why or when or who until it happened. or until it was gone. or until i was drinking a soy chai on the way to the subway and had a revelation. or when i was reading but really just looking at words on a page as i was recalling other things in my head and understood some event. from years ago. or from that morning. or whatever. its all up and its all down...but it goes down so it can go back up. i dont know a lot of things. but i recognize how fortunate i am, and how thankful and grateful i am. and that i think, question, love, do, be, laugh. a lot. cry, scream, write long blogs about the same thing, eat lots of cereal, wonder, dream and i recognize i cant control, but i can breathe deeply, love deeply, dream deeply and not worry about a thing. maybe one. wait. no. not the point. not worry. about. a. thing.

let the sun shine.

everythings gonna be ok. it has to be ok. so it will. and even though i have no idea how and in what way thats going to happen, i trust its gonna get there. im so fortunate. and i will get through it all. i am stronger than i know. i love harder than i know. but i secretly wanna giggle it all off. you know. dont be mad. im letting it all go to let it all in. here it goes.........

d express

one can get a lot done during the columbus circle express stretch to the 125th street stop. and i was going to 145 (even better). if you close your eyes you get this really fun feeling of moving really fast knowing you're not going to get the sudden sway to one side anytime soon as you express pass. headphones in, eyes closed, backpack held tight, mind on- i couldn't help but remember some already read chapters of my life thus far. woah i'm so grateful for it all. i thought back to a time where there didn't seem to be any escape. where love had come and gone and had convinced me on her way out that she would never appear again. or maybe she tried to convince me otherwise and i only heard what i wanted. and i questioned everything. and that what i was feeling or thinking would never go away- that is just how it was and how it was going to be. or fast forward to a time where i was really being on my own. for the first time really. where i grew so much. where i learned so much. where i was surrounded by a whole new family of friends. and i couldn't get over the fact that i hadn't known them before. except for one of them- and he made me feel just enough home and familiarity that made everything ok as i started that journey. or rewind way back before love left to when she was there. and even before that. woah. quite a few chapters there. just joy. meeting best friends. learning how much was available to you in the world. open hearts, open minds, hard working, discovering, rolling down grassy hills, a pub with a history since the 60's, picking yourself up, letting yourself fall and getting through it all. rewind way back. to a time only me can understand in this life now. it reminds me how strong and lucky i am. these chapters are only part of the book- but i kept having the same thought on the d express. never ever ever in all these times could i or would i have imagined myself being where i am at this minute. location-wise, working hard-wise, enjoying life-wise, not taking anything for granted-wise....being surrounded by some of the most amazing and beautiful human beings i could have ever imagined. where did they come from?! i am inspired everyday. i am laughing harder than i can remember. i am here. and i am happy. and the more i close my eyes and let it all go- the more i am allowed to invite it all in....and it actually feels like it all wants to. and i welcome it all with open arms and gratitude. and am thankful for whoever keeps reminding me to let it all go to let it all in- and honestly making me do it. i can feel it happening. i dont know. i think i just want to hug the world.

this is it

"its just a little voice. and if you're listening~ sometimes a little voice can say the biggest things."

dear life, i love you. love allison. i mean we are here. we are there. we are lost and found, just to find ourselves lost again. we learn lost to be a negative thing. but i think its another opportunity to find ourselves. or a part of us. or just an excuse to search. stuff is good, stuff is not so good... or we perceive everything to be certain way depending on what feels comfortable for us to feel at any given moment. or we are trying it all on to see if it fits. or we dont know what we are doing so we just play it out. live it out. think or feel it out. we are only human. and as incredibly powerful as that is, its also just so human. what a beautiful thing it is to figure things out. its even more beautiful to just try. cause eventually, as it turns out, who knows if we ever figure things out. maybe things work the way they are supposed to and when they turn out ok we believe this to be so because we believe them to have worked out how we thought they should. but maybe they just did what they were supposed to. and when it feels right, or feels good, we are sure this was what SHOULD have happened. this is what was going to happen. we are strong and powerful beings. and i dont always know what i am doing. ha. i know who i am because of this feeling i get. i get instincts. i listen to them. i believe in them. i have hopes. i have many fears. i try to overcome, i try to challenge, i try to give in, i try to think i know better. and then i laugh because i know i dont. i enjoy myself. i get down on myself. i talk to myself. i pick myself back up. i remind myself how many thoughts, feelings, opportunities, performances, loves, talks, situations, lost moments, truths and falses there will be. and i remind myself to laugh at it all. to enjoy it all. to question it all. but only in all positive lights. because only we can allow ourself to an unpleasant place. keep it up. be up. because why not?! you are truly brilliant. you are truly lovely. you are truly inspiring, amazing and precious if you allow yourself to be. you are more wonderful than you give yourself credit for. so give yourself more credit than you feel you deserve. because i guarentee you will discover you are amazing. and brilliant. and the DEAL. go out there and get what you want. or what you think you want. fight for what you believe in. i believe in you.

"when you gonna love you as much as i do"

mother.

there is this woman i know. i have lived with her, grown with her... i have even lived inside of her. i am who i am today because of her. she has shown the most love i have seen capable of and she has proven herself the strongest being alive and she carries a wisdom i only dream of achieving. she is never caught un-caring. i think about her just about every other second of every day. she has taught me more than a lifetime of experience could~ and i have only lived a quarter of my life. sometimes i cry in the night, or the middle of the day, or even when i wake up because of the gratefulness i feel having known this woman. she is more important, more loving, more extraordinary and more special then she would ever give herself credit for. if i were in rhode island and she was driving across the country and was already to arizona she would turn around just to give me another kiss. or to drop off the book report i forgot at home. and that's not an exaggeration. she is the most brilliant women i know. i want to write her into all of the history books. i can't imagine a life without her and my only wish in this world is that i can carry on the love...the greatest love i could ever know, which is hers, on and in to this world as i grow. no one should experience a life without her. and i have so far been given a lifetime. i consider myself the luckiest human being alive. i love you more than you could ever try to understand. and if you ever did understand... its more than that. nothing i say or do could ever express my thankfulness. you are my favorite woman that has ever existed. you are brilliant. you are strong. you are hilarious. you are love. you are so special. you are beautiful. you are my mom. and i love you more than anything in this universe.

the good and the bad

i am completely blown away to discover how similar the actions are that happen with amazing news and with devastating news. but the feeling is totally the same and totally different at the same time.

so say im in the gap and my agent calls and tells me i got some amazing contract. we talk and talk and hang up the phone. i can barely contain myself and cant call mom and dad quickly enough. and as the phone rings i scream inside myself "please be there please be there please pick up ahhhhh pick up the phone!!!!!" and when dad isnt there i call mom's cell. and when mom isnt there i call dad's cell. my minds about to explode. and when they answer i cant tell them the news quick enough.

lets say i hear news of a death (god forbid). totally unexpected. i read it. and dont believe it. but when i call the person to see if they are alive it goes straight to voicemail. i can barely contain myself and cant call mom and dad quickly enough. and as the phone rings i scream inside myself "please be there please be there please pick up ahhhhh pick up the phone!!!!!" and when dad isnt there i call mom's cell. and when mom isnt there i call dad's cell. my minds about to explode. and when they answer i cant tell them the news quick enough.

one is pure joy and excitement. one is pure disbelief and complete sorrow. yet they both move me to make the same action. is that weird? maybe its unexpectedness of both that cause that. huh.

either way. shes alive. im alive. so alive. maybe even more alive than yesterday morning. and i guess thats the only way to live this life we've been given. i mean theres not even really time for guessing. just living.

pullin pullin pullin an all nighter.

its 3:33 and we are up. not sure why. but why not, i guess? i have a few things on my mind.

a. time: time creeps up on me every second. i loose her and when i finally find her again she has run so fast i feel like i am in a new life. a new chapter of life. a new section or scene. and i get confused and question how i got here. how did it happen. and there sometimes is an answer or explanation. but mostly its just me pausing for a few moments and recalling how the past whatever has slipped by. and in some odd, frustrating, okay way...i completely see how i got here. i just want an explanation. or i want to relive it because i dont remember actually living it. but it was what it was. and it was. and here i am. learn from forgetting and pay more attention. starting now. thats all i can do.

b. love. hahahahahahahahaha. thats what i have to say about that. it plays games with me and teases me and confuses me and fascinates me and lures me to figure out more. and every time i think i learned something new about her, she taps me on the shoulder and says "im over here!" and i turn around to nothing. only to hear her voice in the distance singing to me, "come find me, i am HERE!" she is like the fucking cat from alice in wonderland....she smiles, she frowns, she disappears, she re-appears in a different outfit. and everytime she is a challenge and a mystery. i dont know what to make of her. i want to figure her out and never feel like i can. i did once. and i hope i do again. make yourself known. i cant ask you to. you must show me. i dont know what else to say.

c. music~ there is nothing quite like this one. i am inspired and moved and changed every minute. the music...the words... the stories. they all sing to me and tell me to be a better person. they tell me stories of hope and courage and love and strength. they challenge me to be different in all good ways. what has been created blows me completely away. i am speechless. people are RIDICULOUS. i dont understand, when i hear what i do, how it could have come about. i only hope and dream i can create something just as inspiring for other beings. i have been passed down a creative love for the universe. i jump up and down waiting for the time i can feel i have really passed it on. this love from my family and my friends and from him. the one i talk to every night. he is real. love is real. we have so much to give each other. try throwing it on someone and wait for the reaction. i bet it will be grand. like the music that changes me second to second.

d. words. they make things so unsafe. gotta pee. to dream, to think, to ponder to wonder....it is all a safe haven if you allow it to be. but once put to words, to text, to SPEECH-- it becomes "something put out there" and therefore is no longer in your safe haven of thoughts and wishes and dreams. yet how do we make dreams a reality. we must cross the bridge from safe to vulnerable. wait just a hot second. that is HUGE bridge. and a completely un-sturdy one. but its the only way between the two. how does that work. i guess you can always take un-worded actions... and that is just wonderful. but for the most part- our speech- our communication- is what we need in order to have others understand and in order for something to become real. you can re-think and take back dreams or thoughts. once the text is out and understood by others...it no longer is a personal thing. and of course you can try it all out and just not care what people think. that is usually what happens to me when i non-verbally- but silently scream to the world when i get dressed and venture out into the world in the morning.... haha. my outfits. they are so fun. they are non-apologetic. maybe i should learn to live like i dress. if only it were that east. words. they make things unsafe. but they are also beautiful. and allow us communication, which is a whole other beast. it is incredible. one day i wont be scared by words. i know the day will come. it has come. and they are on vacation. im excited for the day they return. words.

e. people. i think this needs to be its own entire story. family is unbelievable. friends are constantly growing. but there are those who will always know you. and then there is the group of lovers. have been lovers. will be lovers. lovers that arnt yours. lovers you crush on. lovers you say im sorry to, and im glad we are friends. there are the current crushes that you want to run up to and just ask how they feel. do you like boys. do you like girls. do you like people. who are you? people are confusing and beautiful and different and amazingly inspiring and threatening and SCARY AS HELL....and wonderful and intriguing. people are people. all want something. some get it. some dont. i often cry for those who dont. i want to give it to them. I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE SOMETHING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT. we are all alive. we are all fighting. and struggling. and working so hard. and praying. and hoping. and wishing. and believing. and giving up. and trying again. and changing oaths. and making choices. and thinking we know whats best.

i wish everyone finds something soon to be happy about. i wish everyone search for something. i wish everyone finds something- whether it is what they were looking for or not. i wish EVERYONE love. any kind of love. i hope for love. i hope to give love. what is a world without love. we are blessed, fortunate, lucky, grateful. never forget that. be grateful everyday. it is INCREDIBLE...what we have.

smile to a stranger today. please.
do something unexpected today. please.
surprise yourself today. promise.
let someone help you today. please.
be brave today. please.
give love today. an extra amount. please.

thank you. and, at 4:20 am. i bid you sweet dreams and peace. tonight and always.

decisions.

they are what they are i guess. there is no point in trying to fight with them, they will always win and loose at the same time. but so will you. re-think big decisions from the past and you will come up with a list of things, people, experiences you gained by not going one way and not the other. and if you would have gone the other way you would have a different list. but maybe the big things in life happen no matter what decision you make. what can you do but be as smart as you can about which way to go, gain and experience what your path has to offer and keep the faith. so. im going to be sad at what could have been for a hot second...then stay here. and keep the faith, always.

resolutions.

what if i was enough. what if this was all there is. and its incredible. what if i was always on the right path whether i knew it or not. what if i trusted myself enough to do anything i wanted. what if i was enough. what if i was to get really serious, work harder than i know how, love harder than that....and in the end still be able to laugh it off. honestly. what if i stopped saying dude all the time. nah. what if i was to tell myself that NOW is the time to do anything and everything i need to do before i fall asleep in order to wake up exactly (or close to) where i want to be. what if i was so lucky. and blessed. and fortunate. and oh so grateful. what if i convince myself i AM enough. and i always will be. cause under all the stuff i learned to do wrong, i am still there, dripping in goo, telling my heart the right thing to do. what if i rhymed. what if i was to remind myself every day of the good stuff i got. right here. right now. what if i was enough. what if i was incredibly patient (whew), but working really hard in the meantime. what if i made a promise to the girl in goo to do whatever it is she needs to do to get through. what if i rhymed twice. three times. what if i actually (gasp) didn't know better. what if the time was now. what if its on its way. surprises and i have a love hate relationship. what if i embrace the love part. what if i was enough. thats it. i am enough. its time to be great in two oh oh eight. (four times).

thankful grateful love.

oh my goodness. how is this happening? how am i being here right now. i am in my own movie that i have seen over a million times. i am here. i am happy. i am full of love and can't wait to give most of it away. i am so fortunate that all i can think to do is cry and cry and then laugh from crying. you are such a small speck in this infinate universe yet you want to change everyone for good. i cant help but contribute just about all of it to this unbelievable love from the family. and the friends who have become the family. and the people...the person that will become part of the family. for where i've been. for where i am. for what i will be, try to be, fail at being. for who i love. for who i will love. for situations. for emotionally giving. for sadness. for people. for animals. for weenie dogs. for the sky and the clouds that constantly shift and say. for all that has inspired me. for inspiration in its most undefinable way. for the west village. for love. for love. for love. for trying to understand. for trying to be. for being. for asking you to join me. here we are. we grew up and living the lives we want to live. well we should be....when else will it be but now. just BE. just GO. just DO and LOVE it all because we dont know where we are going. and if there are things and people and who or whatever that you love now why not fight for them. and fight hard because who knows. anything. i know that at this moment i cant even begin to express how grateful i am for what life has been so far. its been amazing. i am so excited for this. i want to know more. but know i cant know more now. and i love being okay with that. and also not being ok with that at all. what can you do. i wish every one of the billion trillion beings and souls there are that exist...i wish SOMETHING wonderful to them. everyone is deserving of this. i just wish it upon everyone so much. whoever wished this before me should know its reached me. and im working through it and loving it and hating it. through all the shit and all the love and amazingness i have been so fortunate and wish i could begin to express how thankful and lucky and loved and grateful i have felt.

and through the woods....

sometimes we need to run away. its often not looked upon as facing reality which makes it not ok. but i really believe that we need to sometimes run away in order to become completely lost only to search out our reality. you have to leave to come back home. or wherever you want to be. and sometimes you dont know where you want to be. only a better reason to become lost. i guess what is important is to not run away for too long. because once you are lost too long- it can become a much harder task to try and be found. so maybe you dont want to be found? well- where are you then. where do you exist? there is too much of this beautiful world to want to hide from it forever. so just hide for a little while. and know you will be ok. if things arnt ok... then its not the end. and when you want it to be the end and it isnt- well then its just not the end of your journey yet. only the most difficult. so imagine you are living through the hardest time- and you are living. it only has to get better. so live. and live. and love, always.

the way.

this is my space. not myspace like the billion dollar organization that frankly i love to play in. but MY space. my place. my den. my living room. my bed. my place. i can dance here. i can sing here. i can say EFF YOU here. :) i can cry here and laugh and fall over and skip and jump as high as i want and i am still safe. my words come from my heart-most of the time-and i put them out in the universe with hopes of making myself and other people...not better...of course that would be splendid (ha, what a funny, fancy word) but different. or just something.

i have been getting engrossed in the past...so far into the past that it moves me to tears and i bring myself back. why do we cry when we are SO hurt...and when we are SO loved....and when we are SO frustrated...and when we are SO sad...and when we are SO happy. what do our tears mean? are we so overcome with emotion that it must liquify itself and come to the surface because there is no more room for it? tears have always been a proven symbol of sadness. but what about when you cry uncontrollably for gratefulness? what then? why isnt that so common? count your blessings...until you have no more to count, and try to not cry. i'm telling you it's rough. good luck to you. BUT i dont mean this like you are a bad person if you dont cry....i speak...well type... from what i know, or try to understand about myself. i cant hold the tears back. and thats not to say that if someone is JUST as amazingly grateful or MORE than i am, but doesnt cry they arnt grateful. comon. duh. but i wasnt clear. you are beautiful.

wow. green tea parties. not knowing so much. obscure musicals. exploring. loving. taking risks. believing in the ghosts in the tunnels under the school from the 60s. singing in the common room. wanting too badly to be liked and accepted in the department. being frustrated at not knowing as much as other people. wanting to be so smart. wanting respect. being the cute one. challenges. workshops. champagne. growing. failing. loving. not knowing ANY better. and so much more.

i want to be on broadway. as cliche and funny and STUPID as it sounds. thats what i want. i am willing to fight as HARD and LONG as may be. but please, universe....make it as soon as you possibly can. give me strength, talent, love, patience, skill, work ethics and anything else you think i may need. i am willing to take it ALL on. and go further than you have ever seen. just let me be. love. love. so much love. all i need is love. all i want is love. all i want to give and show and tell the story of is... love. please.